Ji^^r/VERSfTY 

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« 

I 

Observations 
by  Mr.  Dooley 

1 

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^  5  ->  J  •)  >  J )    ^ '  ^  >  *} )  '  J  J  j'  ^ ', 

Harper  6"  Brothers  Publishers 

! 

New  York  and   London 

I  906 

^■' 


a 


y^'o 


Copyright,  1902,  by  Robert  Howard  Russell. 


First  Impression,  October,  1902. 


CONTENTS 


A  Little  Essay  on  Books 

.     1 

The  Law's  Delays   . 

.     13 

Sherlock  Holmes 

.     21 

International  Amenities    . 

.     31 

Art  Patronage 

.     39 

Immigration    .          .          .         , 

.     47 

White  House  Discipline   . 

.     55 

Money  and  Matrimony     . 

.     63 

Prince  Henry's  Visit 

.     71 

Prince  Henry's  Reception 

.     81 

Cuba  vs.  Beet  Sugar 

.     89 

Bad  Men  from  the  West  o 

.     95 

European  Intervention     . 

.  105 

The  Philippine  Peace 

.  113 

Soldier  and  Policeman 

.  121 

King  Edward's  Coronation 

.  131 

One  Advantage  of  Poverty 

o  139 

The  Fighting  Word 

•                   a 

.  147 

[V] 

22C8- 

i9 

Contents 


Page 

Home  Life  of  Geniuses     . 

.  155 

Reform  Administration    . 

.  165 

Work  and  Sport      .          .          .         , 

.  173 

The  News  of  a  Week       . 

.  181 

The  End  of  the  War       . 

c  189 

Newport           .... 

o  197 

Arctic  Exploration 

.  203 

Machinery       .          .          »          .         < 

.  211 

Swearing 

.  221 

The  War  Game       .          .          .          , 

,  229 

Newspaper  Publicity 

.  237 

Adventure        .... 

.  245 

Rights  and  Privileges  of  Women 

.  251 

Avarice  and  Generosity    . 

.  255 

The  End  of  Things 

.  261 

Hypocrisy        .          .          o          c 

.  265 

History 

,  269 

Enjoyment      .... 

.  273 

Gratitude         .         .         •         . 

.  277 

[vi] 


A  Little  Essay  on  Books 


OBSERVATIONS 

By  Mr.  Dooley 

A    LITTLE     ESSAY 
ON    BOOKS 


"  T  IT  OGAN  tells  me  that  wan  iv  th'  first  things 
I  I  man  done  afther  he'd  larned  to  kill  his 
-■-  -^  neighborin'  animals,  an'  make  a  meal  iv 
wan  part  iv  thim  an'  a  vest  iv  another,  was  to  begin 
to  mannyfacther  lithrachoor,  an'  it's  been  goin'  on 
up  to  th'  prisint  day.  Thim  was  times  that  th' 
Lord  niver  heerd  about,  but  is  as  well  known  to 
manny  a  la-ad  in  th'  univarsity  iv  southren  Injy- 
anny  as  if  th'  histhry  iv  thim  was  printed  on  a 
poster.  Hogan  says  a  pro-fissor  with  a  shovel  an' 
a  bad  bringin'-up  can  go  out  annywhere  along  th' 
dhrainage-canal  an'  prove  to  ye  that  th'  Bible  is 
no  more  thin  an  exthry  avenin'  edition  iv  th' 
histhry  iv  th'  wurruld,  an'  th'  Noah  fam'ly  was 
considhered  new  arrivals  in  th'  neighborhood  where 
they  lived.  He  says  he'll  show  ye  th'  earth  as 
though  't  w^as  a  section  iv  a  layer-cake  or  an  archy- 
tect's  dhrawin'  iv  a  flat-buildin',  an'  p'int  out  how 
't  was  accumylated. 

*'  First  't  was  a  mere  squdge  in  which  ne'er  ^  Jivjjtj' 


Obsei^vations  by  [Mr,'  Dooley 

thing  cud  be  found.  This  pei-yod  lasted  a  few  millylon 
years,  an'  thin  th'  mush  caked  an'  become  buildin'- 
materyal,  an'  threes  grew  out  iv  th'  buildin'-materyal 
an'  fell  down  an'  become  coal.  Thin  th'  wather  come 
— but  where  it  come  fr'm  I  don't  know,  f'r  they  was 
no  God  at  th'  time — an'  covered  th'  earth,  an'  thin 
th'  wather  evaporated  an'  left  little  p'ints  iv  land 
shtickin'  up  with  ready-made  men  an'  women  occy- 
pjan'  thim,  an'  at  that  moment  th'  Bible  begun. 
Ye  might  say  we  're  livin'  on  th'  roof  iv  a  flat, 
with  all  th'  apartmints  beneath  us  occypied  be  th' 
bones  iv  submarine  monsthers  an'  other  tinants. 

"  Lasteways  that 's  what  Hogan  tells  me,  but  I  don't 
believe  a  wurrud  he  says.  Most  iv  th'  people  iv  this 
wurruld  is  a  come-on  f'r  science,  but  I'm  not.  Ye  can't 
con-vince  me,  me  boy,  that  a  man  who's  so  near-sighted 
he  can't  read  th'  sign  on  a  cable-car  knows  anny  more 
about  th'  formation  iv  th'  earth  thin  Father  Kelly.  I 
believe  th'  wurruld  is  flat,  not  round;  that  th'  sun 
moves  an'  is  about  th'  size  iv  a  pie-plate  in  th'  momin' 
an'  a  car-wheel  at  noon ;  an'  it  's  no  proof  to  me  that 
because  a  pro-fissor  who  's  peekin'  through  a  chube 
all  night  says  th'  stars  ar-re  millyions  iv  miles  away 
an'  each  is  bigger  thin  this  wurruld,  that  they  're 
bigger  thin  they  look,  or  much  higher  thin  th'  top 
iv  th'  shot-tower.  I've  been  up  tin  thousand  feet  on 
a  mountain,  an'  they  seemed  so  near  that  I  kept 
whiskin'  thim  off^  me  nose  as  I  lay  there  on  me  back, 
but  they  wasn't  anny  larger  thin  they  were  on  th' 
sthreet-level.  I  believe  what  I  see  an'  some  iv  th' 
things  I'm  told,  if  they  've  been  told  often,  an'  thim 

[4] 


A  Little  Essay  on  Books 

facts  iv  science  has  not  been  hung  long  enough  to  be 
digistible. 

"But,  annyhow,  they  say  that  man  first  begun  writ- 
in'  whin  he  had  to  hammer  out  his  novels  an'  pomes  on 
a  piece  iv  rock,  an'  th'  hammer  has  been  th'  imblim  iv 
lithrachoor  iver  since.  Thin  he  painted  it  on  skins, 
hince  th'  publisher;  thin  he  played  it  an'  danced  it 
an'  croshayed  it  till  't  was  discovered  that  ink  an' 
pa-aper  wud  projooce  wurruds,  an'  thin  th'  printin'- 
press  was  invinted.  Gunpowdher  was  invinted  th'  same 
time,  an'  't  is  a  question  I've  often  heerd  discussed 
which  has  done  more  to  ilivate  th'  human  race.  A 
joke. 

"  Th'  longer  th'  wurruld  lasts  th'  more  books  does 
be  comin'  out.  Day  be  day  I  r-read  in  th'  pa-apers 
announcemints  iv  new  publications  that  look  like  th' 
dilinquent  tax-list.  They  's  a  publisher  in  ivry  block, 
an'  in  thousan's  iv  happy  homes  some  wan  is  pluggin' 
away  at  th'  romantic  novel  or  whalin'  out  a  pome  on 
th'  type-writer  up-stairs.  A  fam'ly  without  an  author 
is  as  contimptible  as  wan  without  a  priest.  Is  Malachi 
near-sighted,  peevish,  averse  to  th'  suds,  an'  can't  tell 
whether  th'  three  in  th'  front  yard  is  blue  or  green.? 
Make  an  author  iv  him!  Does  Miranda  prisint  no 
atthractions  to  th'  young  men  iv  th'  neighborhood, 
does  her  overskirt  dhrag,  an'  is  she  poor  with  th'  gas- 
range?  Make  an  authoreen  iv  her!  Forchunitly, 
th'  manly  insthinct  is  often  too  sthrong  f'r  th'  designs 
iv  th'  fam'ly,  an'  manny  a  man  that  if  his  parents  had 
had  their  way  might  have  been  at  this  moment  makin' 
artificial  feet  f'r  a  deformed  pome  is  I'adin'  what  me 

[5] 


Observations  by  Mr,  Dooley 

fri'nd  Hogan  calls  a  glad,  free,  an'  timperymintal  life 
on  th'  back  iv  a  sthreet-car. 

"  But  lithrachoor  is  th'  gr-reat  life-wurruk  iv  th' 
modhren  woman.  Th'  conthrol  is  passin'  into  th' 
hands  iv  th'  fair  sect,  an'  th'  day  will  come  whin  th' 
wurrud  book  will  mane  no  more  to  an  able-bodied  man 
thin  th'  wurrud  gusset.  Women  write  all  th'  roman- 
tic novels  that  ar-re  anny  good.  That's  because  ivry 
man  thinks  th'  thrue  hayroe  is  himsilf,  an'  ivry 
woman  thinks  he's  James  K.  Hackett.  A  woman  is 
sure  a  good,  sthrong  man  ought  to  be  able  to  kill 
anny  number  iv  bad,  weak  men,  but  a  man  is  always 
wondherin'  what  th'  other  la-ad  wud  do.  He  might 
have  th'  punch  left  in  him  that  wud  get  th'  mone3^ 
A  woman  niver  cares  how  manny  men  are  kilt,  but  a 
man  believes  in  fair  play,  an'  he  'd  like  to  see  th'  polis 
intherfere  about  Chapter  Three. 

"  Women  writes  all  th'  good  romantic  novels,  an' 
read  thim  all.  If  anny  proud  la-ad  in  th'  gum  busi- 
ness thinks  he  riprisints  th'  ideal  iv  his  wife's  soul,  he 
ought  to  take  a  look  at  th'  books  she  reads.  He  '11 
larn  there  th'  reason  he  's  where  he  is,  is  because  he  was 
th'  on'y  chanst,  not  because  he  was  th'  first  choice. 
'Twud  humble  th'  haughtiest  prince  iv  thrade  to  look 
into  th'  heart  iv  th'  woman  he  cares  most  f'r  an'  thinks 
laste  about,  an'  find  that,  instead  iv  th'  photygraft 
iv  a  shrewd  but  kindly  man  with  a  thriflin'  absence  iv 
hair  on  his  head  an'  a  burglar-proof  safe  on  his  watch- 
charm,  there  's  a  pitcher  iv  a  young  la-ad  in  green 
tights  play  in'  a  mandolin  to  a  high  front  stoop.  On 
th'  stoop,  with  a  rose  in  her  hand,  is  his  lawful-wedded 

[6] 


A  Little  Essay  on  Bocks 

wife,  th'  lafly  Annamariar  Huggins  iv  Peotone.  Ye 
can't  keep  Ker  away  fr'm  a  romantic  novel.  No  mat- 
ther  what  Edward  Atkinson  tells  ye,  she  prefers  '  Th' 
Age  iv  Chivalry'  to  th'  mos'  atthractive  housewurruk. 
A  woman's  readin'  is  niver  done.  Hardly  a  day  passes 
but  some  lady  frind  iv  mine  stops  me  on  me  way  to 
catch  a  car,  an'  asks  me  if  I  don't  regard  Morse 
Hewlett  as  th'  gr-reatest  an'  mos'  homicidal  writer 
iv  our  time,  an'  what  I've  got  to  say  about  Hinnelly's 
attack  on  Stevenson.  '  Madam,'  says  I,  '  I  wud  n't 
know  Morse  if  I  was  to  see  him  goin'  down  th'  sthreet 
ax  in  hand,  an'  as  f'r  Hinnelly,  his  name  escapes  me, 
though  his  language  is  familiar  to  anny  wan  who  iver 
helped  load  a  scow.  Stevenson,'  I  says,  '  does  n't 
appeal  to  me,  an'  if  he  shud,  I  '11  revarse  th'  decision 
on  th'  ground  iv  th'  bad  prevyous  charackter  iv  th' 
plaintiff,  while,'  I  says,  '  admittin'  th'  thruth  iv  what 
he  said.  But,'  says  I,  '  th'  on'y  books  in  me  libr'y 
is  th'  Bible  an'  Shakspere,'  says  I.  '  They  're  gr-reat 
f'r  ye,'  says  she.  '  So  bully  f'r  th'  style.  D'  ye  read 
thim  all  th'  time.'^ '  she  says.  *  I  niver  read  thim,' 
says  I.  '  I  use  thim  f'r  purposes  iv  definse.  I  have 
niver  read  thim,  but  I'll  niver  read  annything  else  till 
I  have  read  thim,'  I  says.  '  They  shtand  between 
me  an'  all  modhren  lithrachoor,'  says  I.  *  I  've  built 
thim  up  into  a  kind  iv  breakwather,'  I  says,  '  an'  I 
set  behind  it  ca'm  an'  contint  while  Hall  Caine  rages 
without,'  says  I. 

"  Yes,  sir,  th'  readin'  an'  writin'  iv  books  is  as 
much  woman's  wurruk  as  th'  mannyfacther  iv  tidies. 
A  woman  is  a  nachral  writer.     She  don't  mind  givin' 

[71 


observations  by  Mr.  Dooley 

hersilf  away  if  't  will  bring  a  tear  to  tli'  eye  or  a  smile 
to  th'  lips.  But  a  man  does.  He  has  more  to  give 
away.  I  'm  not  sayin'  that  anny  man  can't  write 
betther  thin  a  woman  if  he  wants  to.  But  so  can  he 
cuk  betther,  an'  sew  betther,  an'  paint  minichoors 
betther,  an'  do  annything  betther  but  nurse  th'  baby — 
if  he  wants  to ;  but  he  don't  often  want  to.  He  despises 
such  thrivyal  pursuits.  Mos'  iv  th'  gr-reat  writers 
I  iver  see  th'  pitchers  iv  was  little,  thin,  peevish  men 
that  was  always  gettin'  licked.  Wanst  in  a  while  a 
sthrong  man  got  into  th'  game,  a  bull-necked,  round- 
headed  man  that  might  have  made  a  fine  thrackmaster 
or  boiler-maker,  but  was  addicted  to  dhrink,  an'  niver 
had  energy  enough  left  in  th'  momin'  f'r  annything 
more  thin  writin'  th'  best  plays  or  th'  finest  novels  or 
th'  gr-reatest  histhries  in  th'  wurruld.  But  if  ye 
got  at  th'  rale  feelin'  iv  three-meal-a-day  men  about 
writin',  ye  'd  find  they  classed  it  with  preachin',  school- 
teachin',  play-actin',  dancin',  an'  lace-wurruk.  A  man 
iv  that  kind  might  start  to  write,  but  if  he  did,  he  'd 
stop  an'  think  afther  a  while,  an'  say  to  himsilf: 
'  What  's  a  big,  sthrong,  able-bodied,  two-hundhred- 
an' -tin-pound,  forty -four-acrost-th'-chest  crather  like 
me  doin'  here,  pokin'  these  funny  hireyoglyphics  in^o 
a  piece  iv  pa-aper  with  a  little  sthick.?  I  guess  I  '11  go 
out  an'  shoe  a  horse.' 

"  So  it  is  with  readin'.  I  'm  tol'  I  ought  to  read  more 
be  Hogan,  who  's  wan  iv  th'  best-read  an'  mos'  igno- 
rant men  I  know.  Well,  maybe  I  ought,  though  whin 
I  was  a  young  man,  an'  was  helpin'  to  build  up  this 
counthry,  th'  principal  use  iv  lithrachoor  was  as  a 

[8] 


A  Little  Essay  on  Boohs 

weepin.  In  thim  days,  if  a  little  boy  was  seen  readin' 
a  book,  his  father  took  it  away  fr'm  him  an'  bate  him 
on  th'  head  with  it.  Me  father  was  th'  mos'  accyrate 
man  in  th'  wurruld  with  letthers.  He  found  th'  range 
nachrally,  an'  he  cud  wing  anny  wan  iv  us  with  th' 
'  Lives  iv  th'  Saints  '  as  far  as  he  cud  see.  He  was 
a  poor  man,  an'  on'y  had  such  books  in  his  libr'y  as 
a  gintleman  shud  take,  but  if  ye  'd  give  him  libr'y 
enough,  he  'd  capture  Giberaltor.  If  lithrachoor  niver 
pinethrated  me  intelleck,  't  was  not  his  fault.  But 
nowadays,  whin  I  go  down  th'  sthreet,  I  see  th'  childher 
settin'  on  th'  front  steps  studyin'  a  book  through 
double-compound-convex  spectacles,  lookin'  like  th' 
offspring  of  a  pro-fissyonal  diver.  What  '11  they  iver 
grow  up  to  be?  Be  hivins!  that  la-ad  Camay gie 
knows  his  business.  He  is  studied  th'  situation,  an' 
he  undhersthands  that  if  he  builds  libr'ies  enough 
an'  gets  enough  people  readin'  books,  they  won't  be 
anny  wan  left  afther  a  while  capable  iv  takin'  away 
what  he  's  got.  Ye  bet  he  did  n't  larn  how  to  make 
steel  billets  out  iv  '  Whin  Knighthood  was  in  Flower.' 
He  lamed  it  be  confabulatin'  afther  wurrukin'  hours 
with  some  wan  that  knew  how.  I  think  he  must  be 
readin'  now,  f'r  he  's  writin'  wan  or  two.  'T  is  th' 
way  with  a  man  who  takes  to  readin'  late  in  life.  He 
can't  keep  it  down. 

"  Readin',  me  frind,  is  talked  about  be  all  readin' 
people  as  though  it  was  th'  on'y  thing  that  makes  a 
man  betther  thin  his  neighbors.  But  th'  thruth  is 
that  readin'  is  th'  nex'  thing  this  side  iv  goin'  to 
bed  f'r  restin'  th'  mind.     With  mos'  people  it  takes 

[9] 


Observations  by  Mr,  Dooley 

th'  place  iv  wurruk.  A  man  does  n't  think  whin  he  's 
readin',  or  if  he  has  to,  th'  book  is  no  fun.  Did  ye 
iver  have  something  to  do  that  je  ought  to  do,  but 
did  n't  want  to,  an'  while  ye  was  wishin'  ye  was  dead, 
did  ye  happen  to  pick  up  a  newspaper?  Ye  know 
what  occun-ed.  Ye  did  n't  jus'  skim  through  th' 
spoortin'  intillygince  an'  th'  crime  news.  Whin  ye 
got  through  with  thim,  ye  read  th'  other  quarther 
iv  th'  pa-aper.  Ye  read  about  people  ye  niver  heerd 
iv,  an'  happenin's  ye  did  n't  undhersthand — th' 
fashion  notes,  th'  theatrical  gossip,  th'  s'ciety  news 
fr'm  Peoria,  th'  quotations  on  oats,  th'  curb  market, 
th'  rale-estate  transfers,  th'  marredge  licenses,  th' 
death  notices,  th'  want  ads.,  th'  dhry goods  bargains, 
an'  even  th'  iditoryals.  Thin  ye  r-read  thim  over 
again,  with  a  faint  idee  ye  'd  read  thim  befure.  Thin 
ye  yawned,  studied  th'  design  iv  th'  carpet,  an'  settled 
down  to  wurruk.  Was  ye  exercisin'  ye-er  joynt  in- 
telleck  while  ye  was  readin'.''  No  more  thin  if  ye  'd 
been  whistlin'  or  writin'  ye-er  name  on  a  pa-aper.  If 
anny  wan  else  but  me  come  along  they  might  say: 
'  What  a  mind  Hinnissy  has !  He  's  always  readin'.' 
But  I  wud  kick  th'  book  or  pa-aper  out  iv  ye-er  hand, 
an'  grab  ye  be  th'  collar,  an'  cry  '  Up,  Hinnissy,  an' 
to  wurruk ! '  f 'r  I  'd  know  ye  were  loafin'.  Believe 
me,  Hinnissy,  readin'  is  not  thinkin'.  It  seems  like  it, 
an'  whin  it  comes  out  in  talk  sometimes,  it  sounds  like 
it.  It  's  a  kind  iv  nearthought  that  looks  ginooine 
to  th'  thoughtless,  but  ye  can't  get  annything  on  it. 
Manny  a  man  I  've  knowed  has  so  doped  himsilf 
with  books  that  he  'd  stumble  over  a  carpet-tack. 
[10] 


A  Little  Essay  on  Books 

"Am  I  again'  all  books, says  ye?  I  'm  not.  If  I  had 
money,  I  'd  have  all  th'  good  lithrachoor  iv  th'  wurruld 
on  me  table  at  this  minyit.  I  might  n't  read  it,  but 
there  it  'd  be  so  that  anny  iv  me  fri'nds  cud  dhrop 
in  an'  help  thimsilves  if  they  did  n't  care  f'r  other 
stimylants.  I  have  no  taste  f'r  readin',  but  I  won't 
deny  it  's  a  good  thing  f'r  thim  that 's  addicted  to  it. 
In  modheration,  mind  ye.  In  modheration,  an'  afther 
th'  chores  is  done.  F'r  as  a  frind  iv  Hogan's  says, 
'  Much  readin'  makes  a  full  man,'  an'  he  knew  what 
he  was  talkin'  about.  An'  do  I  object  to  th'  pursuit 
iv  lithrachoor.?  Oh,  faith,  no.  As  a  pursuit  't  is  fine, 
but  it  may  be  bad  f'r  anny  wan  that  catches  it." 


[11] 


The  Law's  Delays 


THE    LAW'S    DELAYS 


*'  "TTF  I  had  me  job  to  pick  out,"  said  Mr.  Dooley, 
I   "  I'd  be  a  judge.     I  've  looked  over  all  th'  oth- 
-^  ers  an'  that  's  th'  on'y  wan  that  suits.     I  have 
th'  judlcyal  timperamlnt.     I  hate  wurruk. 

"  Ivrjbody  else  Is  pushed  an'  hurrld  in  this  tumul- 
chuse  age.  Th'  business  man  has  to  get  to  th'  bank 
befure  It  closes  an'  th'  banker  has  to  get  there  befure 
th'  business  man  escapes,  an'  th'  high-priced  actor 
has  to  kill  off  more  gradyates  iv  th'  school  Iv  actin' 
thin  iver  he  did,  an'  th'  night  editions  Iv  th'  pa-apers 
comes  out  arller  Ivry  momin'.  All  Is  rush  an'  worry. 
Kings  an'  imprors  duck  about  their  jootles  like  bell- 
hops, th'  pampered  son  iv  luxury  at  Newport  Is  thryin' 
f 'r  a  mile  a  minylt  In  his  autymoblll  an'  th'  on'y  leisure 
class  left  in  th'  wurruld  is  th'  judicyary.  Mind  ye, 
Hlnnlssy,  I'm  not  sayin'  annything  again'  thim.  I 
won't  dhrag  th'  joodlcyal  ermine  In  th'  mud  though 
I  haven't  noticed  that  manny  iv  thim  lift  it  immodestly 
whin  they  takes  th'  pollytlcal  crossing.  I  have  th' 
high  raysplct  f'r  th'  job  that's  th'  alternative  iv 
sixty  days  In  jail.    Besides,  me  boy,  I  Invy  thim. 

"  Somewhere  a  la-ad  hits  somewan  on  th'  head  with 

an  axe  or  sinds  him  a  bunch  Iv  proosic  acid  done  up  to 

look  like  candy.    Maybe  he  does  an'  maybe  he  don't ; 

but  annyhow  that  's  what  he  's  lagged  f'r.    Th'  polls 

[15] 


Observations  by  Mi\  Dooley 

are  in  a  hurry  to  get  to  th'  pool-room  befure  th'  flag 
falls  in  th'  first  race  an'  they  carry  th'  case  to  th'  gran' 
jury;  th'  gran'  jury  indicts  him  without  a  thought  or 
a  suspicion  iv  a  har-rd  feelin',  th'  judge  takes  his 
breakfast  on  th'  bench  to  be  there  in  time  an'  charges 
th'  jury  to  be  fair  but  not  to  f'rget  th'  man  done  it, 
an'  th'  jury  ray  turns  a  verdict  iv  guilty  with  three 
cheers  an'  a  tiger.  Th'  pris'ner  has  hardly  time  to 
grab  up  his  hat  befure  he  's  hauled  off  to  his  funeral 
obsequies,  an'  th'  onprejudiced  public  feels  happy 
about  it.  I  don't  believe  in  capital  punishmint, 
.Hinnissy,  but  'twill  niver  be  abolished  while  th'  people 
injye  it  so  much.  They  're  jus'  squarin'  thimsilves  fr 
th'  rayvoltin'  details  whin  wurrud  comes  that  Judge 
Tamarack  iv  Opolis  has  granted  a  stay  iv  proceedin's. 
Stays  iv  pro-ceedin's  is  devices,  Hinnissy,  be  which 
th'  high  coorts  keep  in  form.  'Tis  a  lagal  joke.  I 
med  it  up.  Says  Judge  Tamarack :  '  I  know  very 
little  about  this  case  excipt  what  I've  been  to?  be  th' 
larned  counsel  f  r  th'  dayfinse,  an'  I  don't  believe  that, 
but  I  agree  with  Lord  Coke  in  th'  maxim  that  th' 
more  haste  th'  less  sleep.  Therefore  to  all  sheriffs, 
greetin':  Fen  jari'in'  th'  pris'ner  till  ye  hear  fr'm 
us.' 

"  So  th'  pris'ner  waits  an'  dhreams  he  's  a  lightnin' 
rod  an'  th'  public  waits  an'  ivrybody  waits.  Th'  high 
coort  is  busy  in  its  way.  Ivry  two  or  three  years  it  is 
discovered  takin'  a  nap  at  a  county  seat  in  th'  corn 
belt,  an'  it  hands  down  a  decision  f'r  th'  defindant  in 
a  case  f'r  damages  growin'  out  iv  th'  Shay  reblllion. 
Then  it  dhrops  off  again.  Th'  judge  that  thried  th' 
[16] 


The  Law's  Delays 

case  retires  to  a  well-amed  job  with  a  railrood  com- 
p'ny,  th'  jury  has  ceased  to  look  f'r  their  pitchers  in 
th'  pa-apers  an'  th'  insurance  comp'nies  insure  young 
Cyanide's  Hfe  f'r  the  lowest  known  premyum.  Occa- 
sionally a  judge  iv  th'  coort  iv  appeals  walkin'  in 
his  sleep  meets  another  judge,  an'  they  discuss  mat- 
thers.  '  How  ar-re  ye  gettin'  on  with  th'  Cyanide 
case,  judge?'  'I  'm  makin'  fair  headway,  judge. 
I  r-read  part  iv  th'  vardict  iv  th'  coroner's  jury  las' 
year  an'  nex'  month  whin  th'  fishin'  is  over,  I  expict 
to  look  into  th'  indictment.  'Tis  a  puzzlin'  case. 
Th'  man  is  not  guilty.'  '  Well,  good  bye,  judge;  I'll 
see  ye  in  a  year  or  two.  Lave  me  know  how  ye're 
gettin'  on.  Pleasant  dhreams ! '  An'  so  they  part. 
Th'  higher  up  a  coort  is,  th'  less  they  see  iv  each  other. 
Their  office  hours  are  fr'm  a  quarther  to  wan  leap 
years.  Ye  take  a  lively  lawyer  that 's  wurruked  twinty 
hours  a  day  suin'  sthreet  railrood  comp'nies  an'  boost 
him  onto  a  high  coort  an'  he  can't  think  out  iv  a 
hammock.  Th'  more  exalted  what  Hogan  calls  th' 
joodicyal  station,  th'  more  it's  like  a  dormitory.  Th' 
years  rowl  by  an'  th'  tillygraft  op'rator  that's  been 
expictin'  to  sind  a  rush  tillygram  through  young 
Cyanide  sees  his  ohms  an'  his  volts  mouldin'  an'  no 
wurrud  comes  fr'm  th'  coort  iv  appeals  but  th'  murmur 
iv  th'  chief  justice  discussin'  th'  nullification  theery. 
But  wan  day,  th'  decision  is  wafted  down.  '  Th' 
coort  finds,'  it  says,  '  that  th'  vardict  was  conthry  to 
th'  law  an'  th'  ividince.  We  seen  this  fr'm  th'  first. 
It's  as  plain  as  th'  nose  on  ye'er  face.  Th'  judge  was 
prejudiced  an'  th'  jury  was  ignorant.  Th'  ividince 
[17] 


Observations  by  Mr.  Dooley 

wasn't  sufficient  to  hang  a  cat.  We  revarse  th'  decision 
an'  ordher  a  new  thrile  that  full  justice  may  be  done. 
We  cannot  help  remarkin'  at  this  time  on  th'  croolty 
iv  subjectin'  this  unforchnit  man  to  all  these  years 
iv  torture  an'  imprisonment  with  a  case  again'  him 
which  we  see  at  a  glance  durin'  th'  Mexican  war  cud 
not  shtand  th'  test  iv  th'  law.' 

"  But  whin  th'  decision  is  carried  to  th'  pris'ner,  th' 
warden  says  '  Who  ?  '  'P.  Cyanide,'  says  th'  dark  iv 
th'  coort.  '  He's  not  here,'  says  th'  warden.  '  On  con- 
sultin'  me  books,  I  find  a  man  iv  that  name  left  in  th' 
year  sivinty-wan.'  'Did  he  escape?'  'In  a  sinse. 
He's  dead.' 

"  So,  Hinnissy,  I'd  like  to  be  a  judge  iv  a  high 
coort,  dhreamin'  th'  happy  hours  away.  No  hurry, 
no  sthrivin'  afther  immejet  raysults,  no  sprintin',  no 
wan  hollerin'  '  Dooley  J.  hurry  up  with  that  ne  exeat,' 
or  '  Dooley,  hand  down  that  opinyion  befure  th'  bat- 
thry  gives  out.'  'Tis  th'  thrue  life  iv  aise  an'  gintle- 
manly  comfort.  'Tis  wait  till  th'  clouds  rowl  by; 
'tis  time  was  meant  for  slaves;  'tis  a  long  life  an'  a 
happy  wan.  Like  th'  Shamrock  II,  th'  coort  acts  well 
in  stays  but  can't  run  befure  th'  wind.  A  jury  is  f'r 
hangin'  ivry  man,  but  th'  high  coort  says :  '  Ye  must 
die,  but  take  ye'er  time  about  it  an'  go  out  th'  way  ye 
like.'  If  I  wanted  to  keep  me  money  so  that  me  gran*- 
childher  might  get  it  f'r  their  oP  age,  I'd  appeal  it  to 
th'  supreme  coort.  Oh,  th'  fine  judge  I'd  make,  f'r 
I  can  sleep  annywhere,  an'  I'm  niver  impatient  f'r 
annywan  to  get  his  jooes." 

"  I  don't  see,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy,  "  why  they  have 
[18] 


The  Lard's  Delays 

anny  juries.     Why  don't  they  thry  ivry  man  before 
th'  supreme  coort  an'  have  done  with  it?  " 

"  I  have  a  betther  way  than  that,"  said  Mr.  Dooley. 
"  Ye  see  they  're  wurrukin'  on  time  now.  I  wondher 
if  they  wudden't  sthep  livelier  if  they  were  paid  be  th' 


piece." 


[19] 


Sherlock   Holmes 


SHERLOCK  HOLMES 


**T^V  ORSEY  an'  Dugan  are  havin'  throuble," 

I        I  said  Mr.  Hennessy. 

JL^  «  What  about?  "  asked  Mr.  Dooley. 

"  Dorsey,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy,  "  says  Dugan  stole 
his  dog.  They  had  a  party  at  Dorsey's  an'  Dorsey 
heerd  a  noise  in  th'  back  yard  an'  wint  out  an'  see 
Dugan  raakin'  off  with  his  bull  tarryer." 

"  Ye  say  he  see  him  do  it?  " 

"  Yis,  he  see  him  do  it." 

"Well,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  " 'twud  baffle  th'  in- 
jinooty  iv  a  Sherlock  Holmes." 

"  Who's  Sherlock  Holmes?  " 

"  He's  th'  gr-reatest  detictive  that  iver  was  in  a 
story  book.  I've  been  r-readin'  about  him  an'  if  I  was 
a  criminal,  which  I  wud  be  if  I  had  to  wurruk  f'r  a 
livin',  an'  Sherlock  Holmes  got  afther  me,  I'd  go 
sthraight  to  th'  station  an'  give  mesilf  up.  I'd  lay 
th'  goods  on  th'  desk  an'  say : '  Sargeant,  put  me  down 
in  th'  hard  cage.  Sherlock  Holmes  has  jus'  see  a  man 
go  by  in  a  cab  with  a  Newfoundland  dog  an'  he  knows 
I  took  th'  spoons.'  Ye  see,  he  ain't  th'  ordh'nry  fly 
cop  like  Mulcahy  that  always  runs  in  th'  Schmidt  boy 
f'r  ivry  crime  rayported  fr'm  stealin'  a  ham  to 
forgin'  a  check  in  th'  full  knowledge  that  some  day 
he'll  get  him  f'r  th'  right  thing.  No,  sir;  he's  an  in- 
janyous  man  that  can  put  two  an'  two  together  an' 
[23] 


Observations  by  3Ir.  Dooley 

make  eight  iv  thim.  He  applies  his  brain  to  crime, 
d'ye  mind,  an'  divvle  th'  crime,  no  matther  how  cunnin' 
it  is,  will  escape  him.  We'll  suppose,  Hinnissy,  that 
I'm  Sherlock  Holmes.  I'm  settin'  here  in  me  little 
parlor  wearin'  a  dhressin'  gown  an'  now  an'  thin 
pokin'  mesilf  full  iv  morpheen.  Here  we  are.  Ye  come 
in.     '  Good-mornin',  Watson.'  " 

"  I  ain't  Watson,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy.    "  I'm  Hin- 
nissy." 

"  Ah,"  said  Mr.  Dooley ;  "  I  thought  I'd  wring  it 
fr'm  ye.  Perhaps  ye'd  like  to  know  how  I  guessed  ye 
had  come  in.  'Tis  very  simple.  On'y  a  matther  iv 
observation.  I  heerd  ye'er  step ;  I  seen  ye'er  refliction 
in  th'  lookin'  glass ;  ye  spoke  to  me.  I  put  these  things 
together  with  me  thrained  faculty  f'r  observation  an' 
deduction,  d'ye  mind.  Says  I  to  mesilf :  '  This  must 
be  Hinnissy.'  But  mind  ye,  th'  chain  iv  circumstances 
is  not  complete.  It  might  be  some  wan  disguised  as  ye. 
So  says  I  to  mesilf :  '  I  will  throw  this  newcome,  who- 
iver  he  is,  off  his  guard,  be  callin'  him  be  a  sthrange 
name ! '  Ye  wudden't  feel  complimented,  Hinnissy, 
if  ye  knew  who  Watson  is.  Watson  knows  even  less 
than  ye  do.  He  don't  know  annything,  an'  anny- 
thing  he  knows  is  wrong.  He  has  to  look  up  his 
name  in  th'  parish  raygisther  befure  he  can  speak  to 
himsilf.  He's  a  gr-reat  frind  iv  Sherlock  Holmes  an' 
if  Sherlock  Holmes  iver  loses  him,  he'll  find  him  in  th' 
nearest  asylum  f'r  th'  feeble-minded.  But  I  sur- 
prised ye'er  secret  out  iv  ye.  Thrown  off  ye'er  guard 
be  me  innocent  question,  ye  popped  out  'I'm Hinnissy,' 
an'  in  a  flash  I  guessed  who  ye  were.  Be  th'  same 
[2i] 


She7%ch  Holmes 

process  iv  raisonin'  be  deduction,  I  can  tell  ye  that  ye 
were  home  las'  night  in  bed,  that  ye're  on  ye'er  way 
to  wurruk,  an'  that  ye'er  salary  is  two  dollars  a  day, 
I  know  ye  were  at  home  las'  night  because  ye  ar-re 
always  at  home  between  iliven  an'  sivin,  bar  Pathrick's 
night,  an'  ye'er  wife  hasn't  been  in  lookin'  f'r  ye.  I 
know  ye're  on  ye'er  way  to  wurruk  because  I  heerd 
ye'er  dinner  pail  jingle  as  ye  stepped  softly  in.  I 
know  ye  get  two  dollars  a  day  because  ye  tol'  me  ye 
get  three  an'  I  deducted  thirty-three  an'  wan  third  per 
cint  f'r  poetic  license.  'Tis  very  simple.  Ar-re  those 
shoes  ye  have  on  ye'er  feet  '^    Be  hivins,  I  thought  so." 

"  Simple,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy,  scornfully ;  "  'tis 
foolish." 

"  Niver  mind,"  said  Mr.  Dooley.  "  Pass  th'  dope, 
Watson.  Now  bein'  full  iv  th'  cillybrated  Chow  Sooey 
brand,  I  addhress  me  keen  mind  to  th'  discussion  iv  th' 
case  iv  Dorsey's  dog.  Watson,  look  out  iv  th'  window 
an'  see  if  that's  a  cab  goin'  by  ringin'  a  gong.  A 
throlley  car?  So  much  th'  betther.  Me  observation 
tol'  me  it  was  not  a  balloon  or  a  comet  or  a  reindeer. 
Ye  ar-re  a  gr-reat  help  to  me,  Watson.  Pass  th'  dope. 
Was  there  a  dog  on  th'  car.?  No.?  That  simplifies  th' 
thing.  I  had  an  idee  th'  dog  might  have  gone  to 
wurruk.  He  was  a  bull-tarryer,  ye  say.  D'ye  know 
annything  about  his  parents .?  Be  Mulligan's  Sloppy 
Weather  out  iv  O'Hannigan's  Diana  iv  th'  Slough.? 
Iv  coorse.  Was  ayether  iv  thim  seen  in  th'  neighbor- 
hood th'  night  iv  th'  plant.?  No?  Thin  it  is  not,  as 
manny  might  suppose,  a  case  iv  abduction.  What 
were  th'  habits  iv  Dorsey's  coyote?  Was  he  a  dog 
^  [  S5  ] 


Observations  by  Mr,  Dooley 

that  dhrank?  Did  he  go  out  iv  nights?  Was  he  payin* 
anny  particular  attintions  to  anny  iv  th'  neighbors? 
Was  he  baffled  in  love  ?  Ar-re  his  accounts  sthraight  ? 
Had  Dorsey  said  annything  to  him  that  wud  've  made 
him  despondent?  Ye  say  no.  He  led  a  dog's  life  but 
seemed  to  be  happy.  Thin  'tis  plainly  not  a  case  iv 
suicide. 

"  I'm  gettin'  up  close  to  th'  criminals.  Another 
shot  iv  th'  mad  mixture.  Wait  till  I  can  find  a  place 
in  th'  ar-rm.  There  ye  ar-re.  Well,  Watson,  what 
d'ye  make  iv  it?  " 

"  If  ye  mane  me,  Dugan  stole  th'  dog." 
"  Not  so  fast,"  said  Mr.  Dooley.  "  Like  all  men 
iv  small  minds  ye  make  ye'ers  up  readily.  Th'  smaller 
th'  mind,  th'  aisier  'tis  made  up.  Ye'ers  is  like  a 
blanket  on  th'  flure  befure  th'  fire.  All  ye  have  to  do 
to  make  it  up  is  to  lave  it.  Mine  is  like  a  large  double 
bed,  an'  afther  I've  been  tossin'  in  it,  'tis  no  aisy  job 
to  make  it  up.  I  will  puncture  me  tire  with  th'  fav'rite 
flower  iv  Chinnytown  an'  go  on.  We  know  now  that 
th'  dog  did  not  elope,  that  he  didn't  commit  suicide  an' 
that  he  was  not  kidnaped  be  his  raytumin'  parents. 
So  far  so  good.  Now  I'll  tell  ye  who  stole  th'  dog. 
Yisterdah  afthernoon  I  see  a  suspicious  lookin'  man 
goin'  down  th'  sthreet.  I  say  he  was  suspicious  lookin' 
because  he  was  not  disguised  an'  looked  ivry  wan  in 
th'  face.  He  had  no  dog  with  him.  A  damning  cir- 
cumstance, Watson,  because  whin  he'd  stolen  th'  dog 
he  niver  wud  've  taken  it  down  near  Dorsey's  house. 
Ye  wudden't  notice  these  facts  because  ye'er  mind 
while  feeble  is  unthrained.  His  coat  collar  was  turned 
[26] 


7 


Sherlock  Holmes 

up  an'  he  was  whistlin'  to  himsilf,  a  habit  iv  dog 
fanciers.  As  he  wint  be  Hogan's  house  he  did  not  look 
around  or  change  his  gait  or  otherwise  do  annything 
that  wud  indicate  to  an  unthrained  mind  that  there 
was  annything  wrong,  facts  in  thimsilves  that  proved 
to  me  cultivated  intilligence  that  he  was  guilty.  I 
followed  him  in  me  mind's  eye  to  his  home  an'  there 
chained  to  th'  bed  leg  is  Dorsey's  dog.  Th'  name  iv 
th'  criminal  is  P.  X.  O'Hannigan,  an'  he  lives  at 
twinty-wan  hundhred  an'  ninety-nine  South  Halsted 
sthreet,  top  flat,  rear,  a  plumber  be  pro-fission.  Of- 
ficer, arrest  that  man !  " 

"That's    all    right,"    said   Mr.    Hennessy;    "but 

ugan  raytumed  th'  dog  las'  night." 

Oh,  thin,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  calmly,  "  this  is  not 
a  case  f'r  Sherlock  Holmes  but  wan  f'r  th'  pohs. 
That's  th'  throuble,  Hinnissy,  with  th'  detictive  iv  th' 
story.  Nawthin'  happens  in  rale  life  that's  compli- 
cated enough  f'r  him.  If  th'  Prisidint  iv  th'  Ep worth 
League  was  a  safe-blower  be  night  th'  man  that'd 
catch  him'd  be  a  la-ad  with  gr-reat  powers  iv  observa- 
tion an'  thrained  habits  iv  raisonin'.  But  crime,  Hin- 
nissy, is  a  pursoot  iv  th'  simple  minded — that  is, 
catchable  crime  is  a  pursoot  iv  th'  simple-minded.  Th' 
other  kind,  th'  uncatchable  kind  that  is  took  up  be 
men  iv  intellict  is  called  high  fi-nance.  I've  known 
manny  criminals  in  me  time,  an'  some  iv  thim  was  fine 
men  an'  very  happy  in  their  home  life,  an'  a  more 
simple,  pasth'ral  people  ye  niver  knew.  Wan  iv  th' 
ablest  bank  robbers  in  th'  counthry  used  to  live  near 
me — he  ownded  a  flat  buildin'- 
[27] 


Observations  by  Mr.  Dooley 

in  to  bed  afther  raytumin'  fr'm  his  night's  wurruk, 
he'd  go  out  in  th'  shed  an'  chop  th'  wood.  He  always 
wint  into  th'  house  through  a  thransom  f'r  fear  iv 
\rakin'  his  wife  who  was  a  delicate  woman  an'  a  shop 
lifter.  As  I  tell  ye  he  was  a  man  without  guile,  an' 
he  wint  about  his  jooties  as  modestly  as  ye  go  about 
ye'ers.  I  don't  think  in  th'  long  run  he  made  much 
more  thin  ye  do.  Wanst  in  a  while,  he'd  get  hold  iv 
a  good  bunch  iv  money,  but  manny  other  times  afther 
dhrillin'  all  night  through  a  steel  dure,  all  he'd  find  'd 
be  a  short  crisp  note  fr'm  th'  prisidint  iv  th'  bank.  He 
was  often  discouraged,  an'  he  tol'  me  wanst  if  he  had 
an  income  iv  forty  dollars  th'  month,  he'd  retire  fr'm 
business  an'  settle  down  on  a  farm. 

"  No,  sir,  criminals  is  th'  simplest  crathers  in  th' 
wide  wide  wurruld — innocent,  sthraight-forward,  dan- 
gerous people,  that  haven't  sinse  enough  to  be  honest 
or  prosperous.  Th'  extint  iv  their  schamin'  is  to 
break  a  lock  on  a  dure  or  sweep  a  handful  iv  change 
fr'm  a  counter  or  dhrill  a  hole  in  a  safe  or  administher 
th'  strong  short  arm  to  a  tired  man  takin'  home 
his  load.  There  are  no  mysteryous  crimes  excipt  thim 
that  happens  to  be.  Th'  ordh'nry  crook,  Hinnissy, 
goes  around  ringin'  a  bell  an'  disthributin'  hand-bills 
announcin'  his  business.  He  always  breaks  through 
a  window  instead  iv  goin'  through  an  open  dure,  an' 
afther  he's  done  annything  that  he  thinks  is  commind- 
able,  he  goes  to  a  neighborin'  liquor  saloon,  stands  on 
th'  pool  table  an'  confides  th'  secret  to  ivrybody  within 
sound  iv  his  voice.  That's  why  Mulligan  is  a  betther 
detictive  thin  Sherlock  Holmes  or  me.  He  can't  put 
[28] 


Sherlock  Holmes 

two  an'  two  together  an'  he  has  no  powers  iv  deduction, 
but  he's  a  hard  dhrinker  an'  a  fine  sleuth.  Sherlock 
Holmes  niver  wud've  caught  that  f  rind  iv  mine.  Whin 
th'  safe  iv  th'  Ninth  Rational  Bank  was  blowed,  he 
wud've  put  two  an'  two  together  an'  arristed  me.  But 
me  frind  wint  away  lavin'  a  hat  an'  a  pair  iv  cufFs 
marked  with  his  name  in  th'  safe,  an'  th'  polis  com- 
bined these  discoveries  with  th'  well-known  fact  that 
Muggins  was  a  notoryous  safe  blower  an'  they  took 
him  in.  They  found  him  down  th'  sthreet  thryin'  to 
sell  a  bushel  basket  full  iv  Alley  L  stock.  I  told  ye 
he  was  a  simple  man.  He  ralized  his  ambition  f'r  an 
agaracoolchral  life.  They  give  him  th'  care  iv  th' 
cows  at  Joliet." 

"  Did  he  rayf orm  ?  "  asked  Mr.  Hennessy . 

"  No,"  said  Mr.  Dooley ;  "  he  escaped.  An'  th' 
way  he  got  out  wud  baffle  th'  injinooty  iv  a  Sherlock 
Holmes." 

"  How  did  he  do  it  ?  "  asked  Mr.  Hennessy. 

"  He  climbed  over  th'  wall,"  said  Mr.  Dooley. 


[29] 


International  Amenities 


INTERNATIONAL  AMENITIES 


"  T^  E  hivins,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "  I  wisht  I'd 
l^^been  there." 

■^^--^      "Where?"  asked  Mr.  Hennessy. 

"  At  th'  bankit  iv  th'  Ancyent  an'  Hon'rable  Cham- 
ber iv  Commerce  in  New  York,"  said  Mr.  Dooley. 
"  'Tis  a  hard  fate  that  compels  me  to  live  out  here 
on  th'  prairies  among  th'  aborig'nal  Americans  fr'm 
Poland  an'  Bohaymya.  Me  heart  at  times  is  burstin' 
f'r  to  jine  in  th'  festivities  iv  me  fellow  Britons  in  New 
York.  F'r  I'm  a  British  subjick,  Hinnissy.  I  wasn't 
born  wan.  I  was  bom  in  Ireland.  But  I  have  a  little 
money  put  away,  an'  ivry  American  that  has  larned 
to  make  wan  dollar  sthick  to  another  is  ex-officio,  as 
Hogan  says,  a  British  subjick.  We've  adopted  a 
foster  father.  Some  iv  us  ain't  anny  too  kind  to  th' 
ol'  gintleman.  In  th'  matther  iv  th'  Nicaragoon  Canal 
we  have  recently  pushed  him  over  an'  took  about  all 
he  had.  But  our  hearts  feels  th'  love  iv  th'  parent 
counthry,  though  our  hands  is  rebellyous,  an'  ivry 
year  me  fellow-merchants  gets  together  in  New  York 
an'  f'rgets  th'  cares  iv  th'  wool  an'  tallow  business  in 
an  outburst  iv  devotion  to  th'  ol'  land  fr'm  which  our 
fathers  sprung  or  was  sprung  be  th'  authorities. 

"  Th'  prisidint  iv  th'  bankit  was  me  frind  Morse 
K.  Cheeseshop  a  mimber  iv  an  ol'  Yorkshire  fam'ly 
born  in  th'  West  Riding  iv  Long  Island  befure  th' 
[33] 


Observations  by  Mr.  Dooley 

Crimeyan  War.  At  his  right  sat  th'  Sicrety  iv  state 
f 'r  th'  colony,  an'  at  his  left  me  frind  th'  ambassadure 
to  th'  Coort  iv  Saint  James.  Why  we  shud  sind  an 
ambassadure  I  don't  know,  though  it  may  be  an  ol' 
custom  kept  up  f'r  to  plaze  th'  people  iv  Omaha. 
He's  a  good  man,  th'  ambassadure,  who  is  inthra- 
joocin'  th'  American  joke  in  England.  Hogan  says 
th'  diff'rence  between  an  American  joke  an'  an  Eng- 
,,  lish  joke  is  th'  place  to  laugh.  In  an  American  joke 
ye  laugh  just  afther  th'  point  if  at  all,  but  in  an 
English  joke  ye  laugh  ay  ether  befure  th'  point  or 
afther  th'  decease  iv  th'  joker.  Th'  ambassadure 
hopes  to  inthrajooce  a  cross  iv  th'  two  that  ye  don't 
laugh  at  at  all  that  will  be  suited  to  th'  English  mar- 
ket.    His  expeeriments  so  far  has  been  encouragin'. 

"  At  th'  conclusion  iv  th'  eatin'  th'  chairman.  Sir 
Morse  Cheeseshop  inthrajooced  th'  sicrety  iv  state 
in  a  few  well  chosen  wurruds.  '  Fellow  Colonists,' 
says  he,  '  I  desire  to  presint  His  Majesty's  ripresent- 
ative  in  this  counthry  who  is  doin'  more  thin  anny 
other  man  in  th'  plastherin'  business,'  he  says. 
'  Owin','  he  says,  '  to  mimbers  iv  th'  Sinit  lavin'  a  hod 
iv  bricks  fall  on  his  head  recently,  he  has  not  been 
able  to  do  much  on  th'  job,'  he  says.  'But  he  has 
brought  his  throwel  and  morthar  here  to-night  an' 
if  ye  will  kindly  lave  off  singing'  "  Brittanya  rules  th' 
prosperity  wave  "  f'r  a  minyit  he'll  give  ye  an  exhibi- 
tion iv  how  he  wurruks.  Me  Lords  an'  gintlemen,  th' 
sicrety  iv  state : ' 

" '  Fellow    subjicks,'    says    th'    sicrety    iv    state, 
'  diplomacy  is  far  difF'rent  business  thin  it  used  to  be. 
[341 


International  Amenities 

(A  voice,  '  Good  f'r  you.')  In  th'  days  iv  Bismarck, 
Gladstun  an'  Charles  Francis  Adams  'twas  a  case  iv 
inthrigue  an'  deceit.  Now  it  is  as  simple  as  sellin"  a 
pair  iv  boots.  In  fifteen  years  th'  whole  nature  iv 
man  is  so  changed  that  a  diplomat  has  on'y  to  be 
honest,  straight-forward  an'  manly  an'  concede  ivry- 
thing  an'  he  will  find  his  opponents  will  meet  him  half 
way  an'  take  what  he  gives.  Unforchunitly  diplom- 
acy on'y  goes  as  far  as  the  dure.  It  is  onable  to 
give  protection  to  th'  customer,  so  whin  he  laves  th' 
shop  th'  sthrong  arm  men  iv  th'  Sinit  knocks  him 
down  an'  takes  fr'm  him  ivrything  he  got  inside  an' 
more  too.  Di-plomacy  has  become  a  philanthropic 
pursoot  like  shop-keepin',  but  politics,  me  lords,  is 
still  th'  same  ol'  spoort  iv  highway  robb'ry.  But  I 
done  what  I  cud  to  protict  th'  intherests  iv  th'  mother, 
father  an'  brother-in-law  counthry,  an'  between  you 
an'  me  if  I  don't  desarve  th'  Victorya  cross  f'r  pre- 
sintin'  that  threaty  to  th'  Sinit  nobody  does.  I  will 
on'y  say  that  hinceforth  th'  policy  iv  this  gover'mint 
will  be  as  befure  not  to  bully  a  sthrong  power  or 
wrong  a  weak,  but  will  remain  thrue  to  th'  principle 
iv  wrongin'  th'  sthrong  an'  bullyin'  th'  weak.' 

"  Th'  sicrety  iv  state  was  followed  be  th'  ambas- 
sadure.  *  I  wish  to  tell  ye,'  said  he,  '  what  a  good 
time  I  had  in  England.  Befure  I  wint  there  I  was 
sthrongly  prejudiced  again'  England.  I  thought  it  **^ 
was  th'  noblest  counthry  on  which,  as  Dan'l  Webster 
says,  th'  sun  niver  set  without  hatchin'  out  a  new 
colony.  But  I  did  it  a  great  injustice.  It  is  betther 
thin  what  I  thought.  It  does  not  care  f'r  chaff  or 
[35] 


Observations  by  Mr,  Dooley 

gush  such  as  goes  down  in  this  counthry.  All  an 
English  gintleman  demands  is  that  ye  shall  be  ye'er- 
silf,  frank,  manly  an'  sincere.  A  little  cry  on  th' 
shouldher,  a  firm  grasp  iv  th'  hand,  a  brief  acknowl- 
edgment that  we  owe  our  language  an'  are  payin' 
it  back,  our  lithrachoor  an'  our  boots  to  him,  an'  his 
heart  opens.  He  cannot  conceal  his  admiration  Tr 
ye.  He  goes  away.  Ah,  niver  will  I  f'rget  th'  day 
I  peeked  out  iv  me  bed-room  window  at  Windsor 
Castle  an'  see  manny  iv  th'  sturdy  lielists  here  befure 
me  bein'  received  in  th'  back  yard  be  th'  king.  I 
mind  well  th'  wurruds  that  fell  fr'm  his  lips  whin  ye 
left  to  take  lunch  in  th'  rile  woodshed.  "  Chote,"  he 
says,  "  thim  were  a  fine  lot  iv  Americans,"  he  says. 
"  What  thribe  did  ye  say  they  belonged  to?  Soos.?  " 
he  says.' 

"  So  th'  avenin'  proceeded  until  it  was  time  to  go 
home,  whin  th'  chairman  proposed  th'  customary 
toast.  '  Me  lords  an'  gintlemen,  charge  ye'er  glasses 
an'  jine  me  in  a  toast,'  he  says.  '  His  majesty  Ed- 
ward th'  Sivinth,  iv  Gr-reat  Britain  an'  possibly  Ire- 
land, iv  Inja,  Egypt,  iv  Austhralya,  iv  South  Africa 
in  a  sinse,  an'  iv  th'  Dominions  beyant  th'  sea,  in- 
cludin'  New  York,  King,  Definder  iv  th'  Faith.  I 
hope  I  got  it  all  in.'  '  Ye  did,'  said  th'  ambassadure. 
An'  th'  toast  was  dhrunk  with  enthusyasm.  Other 
toasts  was  dhrunk  to  th'  rile  fam'ly  an'  th'  Protestant 
Succession,  to  th'  Jook  iv  Argyle  who  used  to  own 
Andhrew  Camay gie,  an'  in  manny  cases  th'  rile  mer- 
chants carrid  th'  glasses  away  in  their  pockets. 
Jus'  as  th'  comp'ny  was  breakin'  up  a  man  whose 
[36] 


International  Amenities 

gaiters  creaked  rose  an'  said :  '  Isn't  there  wan  more 
toast?'  'Good  hivins  have  I  f'rgotten  somewan?  ' 
said  Lord  Cheeseshop.  '  That  was  all  there  was  in 
th'  book.  Who  d'ye  mane?'  he  says.  'I  mane  th' 
prisidint  iv  th'  United  States,'  says  th'  man,  who 
comes  fr'm  Baraboo.  '  Oh  him,'  says  th'  chairman 
in  a  relieved  tone.  '  Well,  annywan  that  wants  to 
can  dhrink  his  health  at  th'  bar,'  he  says. 

"  As  th'  comp'ny  filed  out  a  band  was  playin'  in  th' 
adjinin'  room  where  they  was  a  meetin'  iv  th'  Amal- 
gamated Stove-polish  men  fr'm  th'  neighborhood  iv 
Terry  Hut.  '  What  's  that  outlandish  chune  ?  '  says 
Lord  Cheeseshop.  '  'Tis  th'  naytional  air,  west  iv 
Hoboken,'  says  th'  man  fr'm  Baraboo.  '  What  's 
it  called  ?  '  says  Lord  Cheeseshop.  '  Th'  Star  Span- 
gled Banner,'  says  th'  man.  '  Well,'  says  Lord 
Cheeseshop,  '  'tis  very  intherestin','  he  says.  '  'Tis 
th'  on'y  Indyan  music  I  iver  heerd,'  he  says." 
"  Ah  well,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy,  "  who  cares  ?  " 
"  Faith  I  think  ye're  right,"  said  Mr.  Dooley. 
''  A  man  will  swallow  annything  with  a  dinner. 
What  is  good  f'r  what  Hogan  calls  th'  ilirainthry 
canal  has  nawthin'  to  do  with  th'  Nicaragoon  Canal 
an'  I'd  be  more  afraid  iv  Lord  Cheeseshop  if  he 
thought  th'  toast  an'  didn't  say  it.  Our  Anglo- 
Saxon    relations    is    always    a    give-away — on    some 


[37] 


Art  Patronage 


ART    PATRONAGE 


**"Tr  SEE  in  this  pa-aper,"  said  Mr.  Dooley, 
I    "  they'se  a  fellow  kickin'  because  an  American 

-*^  painther  ain't  got  anny  chanst  again'  foreign 
compytition." 

"  Sure,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy ;  "  he's  aisy  displazed. 
I  niver  knew  th'  business  to  be  betther.  Wages  is 
high  an'  'tis  a  comfortable  thrade  barrin'  colic." 

"  I  don't  mane  that  kind  iv  painthers,"  said  Mr. 
Dooley.  "  I  don't  mane  th'  wans  that  paint  ye'er 
bam,  but  th'  wans  that  paints  a  pitcher  iv  ye'er 
barn  an'  wants  to  sell  it  to  ye  f'r  more  thin  th'  barn 
is  worth.  This  man  says  no  matther  how  industhrees 
an  American  painther  is,  no  matther  if  he  puts  on 
his  overalls  arly  in  th'  momin'  an'  goes  out  with  a 
laddher  an'  whales  away  all  day  long,  he  can  hardly 
arn  a  livin',  while  th'  pauper  artists  iv  Europe  is 
fairly  rowlin'  in  th'  lap  iv  luxury.  Manny  a  la-ad 
that  started  in  life  with  th'  intintion  iv  makin'  th' 
wurruld  f'rget  that  what's  his  name — Hogan's  frind 
— ye  know  who  I  mane — Michael  Angelo — ever  lived, 
is  now  glad  to  get  a  job  decoratin'  mountain  scenery 
with  th'  latest  news  about  th'  little  liver  pills. 

"  Ye  see,   Hinnissy,   whin   a   man   gets  hold  iv  a 

large  hatful  iv  money,   wan   iv  th'   first   things   he 

does  is  to  buy  some  art.      Up  to  th'  time  whin  th' 

top  blew  off  th'  stock  market,  he  bought  his  art  out 

[41] 


Observations  by  Mr.  Dooley 

iv  th'  front  window  iv  a  news  an'  statlon'ry  shop 
or  had  it  put  in  be  th'  paperhanger.  He  took  th' 
Sundah  pa-apers  that  ar-re  a  gr-reat  help  if  ye're 
collectin'  art,  an'  he  had  some  pitchers  iv  fruit  that 
looks  nachral  enough  to  ate,  d'ye  mind,  a  paintin' 
iv  a  deer  like  th'  wan  he  shot  at  in  th'  Manotowish 
counthry  in  Eighty-eight,  an'  a  livin'  likeness  iv  a 
Lake  Supeeryor  white  fish  on  a  silver  plate.  That 
was  th'  peeryod,  mind  ye,  whin  th'  iron  dogs  howled 
on  his  lawn  an'  people  come  miles  an'  miles  f'r  to 
see  a  grotto  made  out  iv  relics  iv  th'  Chicago  fire. 

"  Manetime  his  daughter  was  illustratin'  suspinders 
an'  illuminatin'  china  plates  an'  becomin'  artistic,  an' 
afther  awhile  whin  th'  time  come  that  he  had  to 
keep  a  man  at  th'  dure  to  sweep  out  th'  small  bills, 
she  give  him  a  good  push  to'rd  betther  things.  Be- 
sides, his  pardner  down  th'  sthreet  had  begun  col- 
lectin' pitchers,  an'  ivry  time  he  wint  abroad  th' 
mannyfacthrers  iv  pitcher  frames  bought  new  auty- 
mobills  f'r  th'  Champs  All  Easy.  So  'twas  a  soft 
matther  f'r  our  frind  Higbie  to  be  persuaded  that 
he  ought  to  be  a  pathron  iv  art,  an'  he  wint  abroad 
detarmined  to  buy  a  bunch  iv  chromos  that'd  make 
people  come  out  iv  th'  gallery  iv  his  pardner  down 
th'  sthreet  stiflin'  their  laughter  in  their  hands. 

"  Now  ye'd  think  seein'  that  he  made  his  money  in 
this  counthry,  he'd  pathronize  American  art.  Ye'd 
believe  he'd  sind  wurrud  down  to  his  agent  f r  to 
secure  forty  feet  iv  Evansville  be  moonlight  an'  be 
con-tint.    But  he  don't. 

"  Ye  don't  catch  Higbie  changin'  iv  anny  iv  his 
[42] 


Art  Patronage 

dividends  on  domestic  finished  art.  He  jumps  on  a 
boat  an'  goes  sthraight  acrost  to  th'  centhral  deepo. 
The  first  thing  he  gets  is  a  porthrait  iv  himsilf  be 
wan  iv  th'  gr-reat  modhren  masthers,  Sargent  be 
name.  This  here  Sargent,  Hogan  tells  me,  used  to 
live  in  this  counthry,  an'  faith,  if  he'd  stayed  here 
ye  might  see  him  to-day  on  a  stagin'.  But  he  had 
a  mind  in  his  head  an'  he  tore  off  f'r  Europe  th' 
way  a  duck  hunter  goes  f'r  a  rice  swamp.  Afther 
awhile,  Higbie  shows  up,  an'  says  he :  '  I'm  Higbie 
iv  th'  Non-Adhesive  Consolidated  Glue  Company,' 
he  says.  '  Can  ye  do  me  ?  '  'I  can  an'  will,'  says 
Sargent.  '  I'll  do  ye  good.  How  much  have  ye 
got.f^ '  he  says.  '  Get  some  more  an'  come  around,' 
he  says.  An'  Higbie  puts  on  his  Prince  Albert  coat 
an'  laves  it  open  so  that  ye  can  see  his  watch  charm — 
th'  crown  iv  Poland  with  th'  Kohinoor  in  th'  top  iv  it 
— an'  me  frind  Sargent  does  him  brown  an'  red. 
He  don't  give  him  th'  pitcher  iv  coorse.  If  ye  have 
ye'er  porthrait  painted  be  a  gr-reat  painther,  it's 
ye'er  porthrait  but  'tis  his  pitcher,  an'  he  keeps  it 
till  ye  don't  look  that  way  anny  more.  So  Higbie's 
porthrait  is  hung  up  in  a  gallery  an'  th'  doctors 
brings  people  to  see  it  that  ar-re  sufFerin'  fr'm  nar- 
vous  dyspepsia  to  cheer  thim  up.  Th'  pa-apers  says 
'tis  fine.  '  Number  108  shows  Sargent  at  his  best. 
There  is  the  same  marvellous  ticknick  that  th'  great 
master  displayed  in  his  cillybrated  take-off  on  Mrs. 
Maenheimer  in  last  year's  gallery.  Th'  skill  an'  ease 
with  which  th'  painther  has  made  a  monkey  iv  his 
victim  are  beyond  praise.  Sargent  has  torn  th' 
[43] 


Observations  by  Mr,  Dooley 

sordid  heart  out  iv  th'  wretched  crather  an'  exposed 
it  to  th'  wurruld.  Th'  wicked,  ugly  little  eyes,  th' 
crooked  nose,  th'  huge  graspin'  hands,  tell  th'  story 
iv  this  miscreant's  character  as  completely  as  if  they 
were  written  in  so  manny  wurruds,  while  th'  artist, 
with  wondherful  malice,  has  painted  onto  th'  face  a 
smile  iv  sickenin'  silf-complacency  that  is  positively 
disgustin'.  No  artist  iv  our  day  has  succeeded  so 
well  in  showin'  up  th'  maneness  iv  th'  people  he  has 
mugged.  We  ondershtand  that  th'  atrocious  Higbie 
paid  wan  hundherd  thousan'  dollars  f'r  this  comic 
valentine.  It  is  worth  th'  money  to  ivrybody  but  him.' 
"  But  Higbie  don't  see  th'  pa-aper.  He's  over  in 
Paris.  Th'  chimes  are  rung,  bonefires  are  lighted  in 
th'  sthreets  an'  th'  Pannyma  Comp'ny  declares  a 
dividend  whin  he  enters  th'  city.  They'se  such  a 
demand  f'r  paint  that  th'  supply  runs  out  an' 
manny  gr-reat  imprishonist  pitcher  facthries  is 
foorced  to  use  bluein'.  Higbie  ordhers  paintin's  be 
th'  ton,  th'  r-runnin'  foot,  th'  foot  pound,  th'  car 
load.  He  insthructs  th'  pitcher  facthries  to  wurruk 
night  an'  day  till  his  artistic  sowl  is  satisfied.  We 
follow  his  coorse  in  th'  pa-apers.  '  Th'  cillybrated 
Gainsborough  that  niver  wud  be  missed  has  been  capt- 
ured be  Misther  Higbie,  th'  American  millyionaire. 
Th'  price  paid  is  said  to  be  wan  hundherd  thousan' 
dollars.  Th'  pitcher  riprisints  a  lady  in  a  large  hat 
fondlin'  a  cow.  It  is  wan  iv  th'  finest  Gainsboroughs 
painted  be  th'  Gainsborough  Mannyfacthrin'  com- 
p'ny iv  Manchester.  At  th'  las'  public  sale,  it  was 
sold  f'r  thirty  dollars.  Misther  Higbie  has  also 
[44] 


Art  Patronage 

purchased  th'  cilljbrated  Schmai-tzmeister  Boogooroo, 
wan  iv  th'  mos'  horrible  examples  iv  this  delightful 
painther's  style.  He  is  now  negot jatin'  with  th'  well- 
known  dealer  Moosoo  Mortheimer  f'r  th'  intire  out- 
put iv  th'  Barabazah  School.  Yisterdah  in  a  call  on 
th'  janial  dealer,  th'  name  iv  th'  cillybrated  painther 
Mooney  was  mintioned.  "  How  manny  pitchers  has 
he  painted? "  "  Four  hundherd  and  forty-three 
thousan'  at  ilivin  o'clock  to-day,"  says  th'  dealer. 
"  But  four  hundherd  thousan'  iv  thim  ar-re  in  Am- 
erica." "  Get  th'  r-rest  iv  thim  Tr  me,"  says  th'  con- 
nysoor.  "  What  did  ye  say  th'  gintleman's  name 
was.f^  "  We  ondershtand  that  Misther  Mooney  has 
had  to  put  in  two  new  four-deck  machines  to  meet 
th'  ordhers,  which  include  thirty  green  an'  mauve 
haystacks,  forty  blue  barns  or  childher  at  play,  an' 
no  less  thin  ninety  riprisintations  iv  mornin'  at  sea, 
moonlight  avenin',  flock  iv  sheep,  or  whativer  ye  may 
call  thim.' 

"  An'  whin  he  comes  home,  he  hangs  thim  in  his 
house,  so  that  his  frinds  can't  turn  around  without 
takin'  off  a  pasthral  scene  on  their  coats,  an'  he  pastes 
th'  price  on  th'  frame,  an'  whin  he  dies,  he  laves  his 
pitcher  to  some  definceless  art  museem.  An'  there 
ye  ar-re. 

"  So  I  tell  ye,  Hinnissy,  if  I  was  a  young  an'  am- 
bitious American  painther,  I'd  go  to  Europe.  Whin 
Hannigan  was  over  there,  he  met  a  young  man  that 
painted  that  fine  head  iv  Murphy  that  looks  so  much 
like  Casey  that  hangs  in  Schwartzmeister's  back 
room,  *  Ar-re  ye  still  at  th'  art  ? '  says  Hannigan. 
[45] 


Observations  by  Mr.  Dooley 

*  I  am,'  says  th'  young  man.  '  How  does  it  go? ' 
asks  Hannigan.  '  I've  more  thin  I  can  do,'  says 
th'  young  man.  '  Since  steel  rails  got  so  high,  I've 
had  to  hire  an  assistant.  Ye  see,  I  didn't  get  on  in 
Chicago.  Me  "  Bridgepoort  in  a  Fog  "  was  th'  on'y 
pitcher  I  sold,  an'  a  sausage  mannyfacthrer  bought 
that  because  his  facthry  was  in  it.  I  come  over 
here,  an'  so's  me  pitchers  will  have  a  fair  show,  I  sign 
annywan's  name  ye  want  to  thim.  Ye've  heerd  iv 
Michael  Angelo?  That's  me.  Ye've  heerd  iv  Gains- 
borough? That's  me.  Ye've  heerd  iv  Millet,  th' 
boy  that  painted  th'  pitcher  give  away  with  th'  col- 
ored supplimint  iv  th'  Sundah  Howl?  That's  me. 
Yis,  sir,  th'  rale  name  iv  near  ivry  distinguished  pain- 
ther  iv  modhren  times  is  Remsen  K.  Smith.  Whin 
ye  go  home,  if  ye  see  a  good  painther  an'  glazier 
that'd  like  a  job  as  assistant  Rimbrandt  f'r  th'  Am- 
erican thrade,  sind  him  to  me.  F'r,'  he  says,  '  th' 
on'y  place  an  American  artist  can  make  a  livin'  is 
here.  Charity  Tr  artists,'  he  says,  '  begins  abroad,' 
he  says." 

"Well,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy,  "perhaps  a  bum  Euro- 
peen  pitcher  is  betther  thin  a  good  American  pitcher." 

"  Perhaps  so,"  said  Mr.  Dooley.  "  I  think  it  is  so. 
Annyhow,  no  matther  how  bad  a  painther  he  is, 
annywan  that  can  get  money  out  iv  an  American 
millyionaire  is  an  artist  an'  desarves  it.  There's  th' 
rale  art.  I  wish  it  was  taught  in  th'  schools.  I'd 
like  to  see  an  exhibition  at  th'  Museem  with  '  Check 
iv  American  Gintleman,  dhrawn  fr'm  life,'  hung 
on  th'  wall." 

[46] 


Immigration 


IMMIGRATION 


"  "^  ^ji   T  ELL,  I  see  Congress  has  got  to  wurnik 
%/%/    again,"  said  Mr.  Dooley. 
▼     ▼      "  The  Lord   save   us   fr'm  harm,"   said 
Mr.  Hennessy. 

"  Yes,  sir,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "  Congress  has  got 
to  wurruk  again,  an'  manny  things  that  seems  im- 
portant to  a  Congressman  '11  be  brought  up  befure 
thim.  'Tis  sthrange  that  what's  a  big  thing  to  a  man 
in  Wash'nton,  Hinnissy,  don't  seem  much  account  to 
me.  Divvle  a  bit  do  I  care  whether  they  dig  th' 
Nicaragoon  Canal  or  cross  th'  Isthmus  in  a  balloon; 
or  whether  th'  Monroe  docthrine  is  enfoorced  or 
whether  it  ain't ;  or  whether  th'  thrusts  is  abolished  as 
Teddy  Rosen  felt  wud  like  to  have  thim  or  encouraged 
to  go  on  with  their  neef aryous  but  magnificent  enther- 
prises  as  th'  Prisidint  wud  like ;  or  whether  th'  water 
is  poured  into  th'  ditches  to  reclaim  th'  arid  lands  iv 
th'  West  or  th'  money  f'r  thim  to  fertilize  th'  arid 
pocket-books  iv  th'  conthractors ;  or  whether  th'  In- 
jun is  threated  like  a  depindant  an'  miserable  thribes- 
man  or  like  a  free  an'  indepindant  dog;  or  whether 
we  restore  th'  merchant  marine  to  th'  ocean  or 
whether  we  lave  it  to  restore  itsilf .  None  iv  these  here 
questions  inthrests  me,  an'  be  me  I  mane  you  an'  be 
you  I  mane  ivrybody.  What  we  want  to  know  is, 
ar-re  we  goin'  to  have  coal  enough  in  th'  hod  whin 
[49] 


Observations  by  Mr,  Dooley 

th'  cold  snap  comes;  will  th'  plumbin'  hold  out,  an' 
will  th'  job  last. 

"  But  they'se  wan  question  that  Congress  is  go- 
in'  to  take  up  that  you  an'  me  are  intherested  inl^ 
As  a  pilgrim  father  that  missed  th'  first  boats,  I 
must  raise  me  claryon  voice  again'  th'  invasion  iv  this 
fair  land  be  th'  paupers  an'  amychists  iv  effete  Eu- 
rope. Ye  bet  I  must — because  I'm  here  first.  'Twas 
diff'rent  whin  I  was  dashed  high  on  th'  stem  an' 
rockbound  coast.  In  thim  days  America  was  th' 
refuge  iv  th'  oppressed  iv  all  th'  wurruld.  They 
cud  come  over  here  an'  do  a  good  job  iv  oppressin' 
thimsilves.  As  I  told  ye  I  come  a  little  late.  Th' 
Rosenfelts  an'  th'  Lodges  bate  me  be  at  laste  a  boat 
lenth,  an'  be  th'  time  I  got  here  they  was  stern  an' 
rockbound  thimsilves.  So  I  got  a  gloryous  raycip- 
tion  as  soon  as  I  was  towed  off  th'  rocks.  Th'  stars 
an'  sthripes  whispered  a  welcome  in  th'  breeze  an'  a 
shovel  was  thrust  into  me  hand  an'  I  was  pushed 
into  a  sthreet  excyvatin'  as  though  I'd  been  bom  here. 
Th'  pilgrim  father  who  bossed  th'  job  was  a  fine  ol' 
puritan  be  th'  name  iv  Doherty,  who  come  over  in 
th'  Mayflower  about  th'  time  iv  th'  potato  rot  in 
Wexford,  an'  he  made  me  think  they  was  a  hole  in 
th'  breakwather  iv  th'  haven  iv  refuge  an'  some  iv 
th'  wash  iv  th'  seas  iv  opprission  had  got  through. 
He  was  a  stern  an'  rockbound  la-ad  himsilf ,  but  I  was 
a  good  hand  at  loose  stones  an'  wan  day — but  I'll 
tell  ye  about  that  another  time. 

"  Annyhow,  I  was  rayceived  with  open  arms  that 
sometimes  ended  in  a  clinch.     I  was  afraid  I  wasn't 
[50] 


Immigration 

goln'  to  assimilate  with  th'  airljer  pilgrim  fathers 
an'  th'  instichoochions  iv  th'  counthry,  but  I  soon 
found  that  a  long  swing  iv  th'  pick  made  me  as  good 
as  another  man  an'  it  didn't  require  a  gr-reat  intellect, 
or  sometimes  anny  at  all,  to  vote  th'  dimmycrat  ticket, 
an'  befure  I  was  here  a  month,  I  felt  enough  like  a 
native  born  American  to  burn  a  witch.  Wanst  in  a 
while  a  mob  iv  intilligint  collajeens,  whose  grand- 
fathers had  bate  me  to  th'  dock,  wud  take  a  shy  at  me 
Pathrick's  Day  procission  or  burn  down  wan  iv  me 
churches,  but  they  got  tired  iv  that  befure  long ;  'twas 
too  much  like  wurruk. 

"  But  as  I  tell  ye,  Hinnissy,  'tis  difF'rent  now.  I 
don't  know  why  'tis  difF'rent  but  'tis  difF'rent.  'Tis 
time  we  put  our  back  again'  th'  open  dure  an'  keep 
out  th'  savage  horde.  If  that  cousin  iv  ye'ers  ex- 
pects to  cross,  he'd  betther  tear  f'r  th'  ship.  In 
a  few  minyits  th'  gates  '11  be  down  an'  whin  th'  op- 
pressed wurruld  comes  hikin'  acrost  to  th'  haven  iv 
refuge,  they'll  do  well  to  put  a  couplin'  pin  undher 
their  hats,  f'r  th'  Goddess  iv  Liberty  '11  meet  thim 
at  th'  dock  with  an  axe  in  her  hand.  Congress  is  go- 
in'  to  fix  it.  Me  frind  Shaughnessy  says  so.  He  was 
in  yisterdah  an'  says  he :  '  'Tis  time  we  done  some- 
thing to  make  th'  immigration  laws  sthronger,'  says 
he.  '  Thrue  f'r  ye.  Miles  Standish,'  says  I ;  '  but 
what  wud  ye  do?  '  '  I'd  keep  out  th'  ofFscourin's  iv 
Europe,'  says  he.  '  Wud  ye  go  back  ? '  says  I. 
'  Have  ye'er  joke,'  says  he.  '  'Tis  not  so  seeryus 
as  it  was  befure  ye  come,'  says  I.  '  But  what  ar-re 
th'  immy grants  doin'  that's  roonous  to  us  .'^ '  I  says. 
[51] 


Observations  by  Mr.  Dooley 

*Well,'  says  he,  'they're  arnychists,'  he  says; 
'  they  don't  assymilate  with  th'  counthry,'  he  says. 
'  Maybe  th'  counthry's  digestion  has  gone  wrong  fr'm 
too  much  rich  food,'  says  I ;  '  perhaps  now  if  we'd 
lave  off  thryin'  to  digest  Rockyfellar  an'  thry  a 
simple  diet  Hke  Schwartzmeister,  we  wudden't  feel 
th'  effects  iv  our  vittels,'  I  says.  '  Maybe  if  we'd 
season  th'  immygrants  a  little  or  cook  thim  thurly, 
they'd  go  down  betther,'  I  says. 

"  '  They  're  arnychists,  like  Parsons,'  he  says.  '  He 
wud've  been  an  immy grant  if  Texas  hadn't  been  ad- 
mitted to  th'  Union,'  I  says.  '  Or  Snolgosh,'  he  says. 
'  Has  Mitchigan  seceded  ?  '  I  says.  '  Or  Gittoo,'  he 
says.  '  Who  come  fr'm  th'  effete  monarchies  iv  Chi- 
cago, west  iv  Ashland  Av'noo,'  I  says.  '  Or  what's-his- 
name,  Wilkes  Booth,'  he  says.  '  I  don't  know  what 
he  was — maybe  a  Boolgharyen,'  says  I.  '  Well, 
annyhow,'  says  he,  '  they're  th'  scum  iv  th'  earth.' 
'  They  may  be  that,'  says  I ;  '  but  we  used  to  think 
they  was  th'  cream  iv  civilization,'  I  says.  '  They're 
off  th'  top  annyhow.  I  wanst  believed  'twas  th'  best 
men  iv  Europe  come  here,  th'  la-ads  that  was  too 
sthrong  and  indepindant  to  be  kicked  around  be  a 
boorgomasther  at  home  an'  wanted  to  dig  out  f'r 
a  place  where  they  cud  get  a  chanst  to  make  their 
way  to  th'  money.  I  see  their  sons  fightin'  into 
politics  an'  their  daughters  tachin'  young  American 
idee  how  to  shoot  too  high  in  th'  public  school,  an' 
I  thought  they  was  all  right.  But  I  see  I  was  wrong. 
Thim  boys  out  there  towin'  wan  heavy  foot  afther 
th'  other  to  th'  rowlin'  mills  is  all  arnychists.  There's 
[58] 


Immi^ation 

V^arrants  out  f'r  all  names  endin'  in  'inski,  an'  I 
think  I'll  board  up  me  windows,  Tr,'  I  says,  '  if 
immy grants  is  as  dangerous  to  this  counthry  as  ye  an' 
I  an'  other  pilgrim  fathers  believe  they  are,  they'se 
enough  iv  thim  sneaked  in  already  to  make  us  abor- 
igines about  as  infloointial  as  the  prohibition  vote  in 
th'  Twinty-ninth  Ward.  They'll  dash  again'  our 
stem  an'  rock-bound  coast  till  they  bust  it,'  says  I. 

"  '  But  I  ain't  so  much  afraid  as  ye  ar-re.  I'm  not 
afraid  iv  me  father  an'  I'm  not  afraid  iv  mesilf .  An' 
I'm  not  afraid  iv  Schwartzmeister's  father  or  Hinnery 
Cabin  Lodge's  grandfather.  We  all  come  over  th' 
same  way,  an'  if  me  ancestors  were  not  what  Hogan 
calls  rigicides,  'twas  not  because  they  were  not  ready 
an'  willin',  on'y  a  king  niver  come  their  way.  I  don't 
believe  in  killin'  kings,  mesilf.  I  niver  wud've 
sawed  th'  block  off  that  curly-headed  potintate  that 
I  see  in  th'  pitchers  down  town,  but,  be  hivins,  Pre- 
sarved  Codfish  Shaughnessy,  if  we'd  begun  a  few 
years  ago  shuttin'  out  folks  that  wudden't  mind 
handin'  a  bomb  to  a  king,  they  wudden't  be  enough 
people  in  Mattsachoosetts  to  make  a  quorum  f'r  th' 
Anti-Impeeryal  S'ciety,'  says  I.  '  But  what  wud  ye 
do  with  th'  offscourin'  iv  Europe.? '  says  he.  '  I'd 
scour  thim  some  more,'  says  I. 

"  An'  so  th'  meetin'  iv  th'  Plymouth  Rock  Asso- 
cyation  come  to  an  end.  But  if  ye  wud  like  to  get 
it  together.  Deacon  Hinnissy,  to  discuss  th'  immy- 
gration  question,  I'll  sind  out  a  hurry  call  f'r 
Schwartzmeister  an'  Mulcahey  an'  Ignacio  Sbarbaro 
an'   Nels  Larsen   an'   Petrus  Gooldvink,   an'  we   '11 

[63] 


Observations  by  Mr,  Dooley 

gather  to-night  at  Fanneilnoviski  Hall  at  th'  comer 
iv  Sheridan  an'  Sigel  sthreets.  All  th'  pilgrim  fathers 
is  rajquested  f'r  to  bring  interpreters." 

"  Well,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy,  "  divvle  th'  bit  I  care, 
on'y  I'm  here  first,  an'  I  ought  to  have  th'  right  to 
keep  th'  bus  fr'm  bein'  overcrowded." 

"  Well,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "  as  a  pilgrim  father 
on  me  gran'  nephew's  side,  I  don't  know  but  ye're 
right.     An'  they'se  wan  sure  way  to  keep  thim  out." 

"  What's  that.?  "  asked  Mr.  Hennessy. 

"  Teach  thim  all  about  our  instichoochions  befure 
they  come,"  said  Mr.  Dooley. 


[54] 


White  House  Discipline 


WHITE    HOUSE    DISCIPLINE 

''^■^  THERE  did  ye  spind  th'  New  Year's?" 
\/\/   asked  Mr.  Dooley. 
^    ^         "I  didn't  go  to  th'  White  House  ray- 
ciption,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy,  pleasantly. 

"  I  see  ye  didn't,"  said  Mr.  Dooley.  "  Ye'er  ar-rm 
is  not  in  a  sling.  Man  an'  boy,  Hinnissy,  I've  taken 
manny  a  chanst  on  me  life,  but  I'd  as  lave  think  iv 
declarin'  th'  sintimints  iv  me  heart  in  an  Orange 
meetin'  as  dliroppin'  in  f'r  a  socyal  call  at  what 
Hogan  calls  th'  ixicutive  mansion.  That  is,  if  I  was 
a  govermint  emplyee,  which  I  ain't,  bavin'  been  born 
wrong. 

"  Th'  time  was  whin  a  man  lost  his  job  an'  his 
heart  to  th'  prisidint  at  th'  same  time.  A  reproof 
was  administhered  to  him  with  chloryform.  He  woke 
up  an'  rubbed  his  eyes  an'  says,  '  Where  am  I  ?  '  an' 
th'  polisman  says :  '  Ye're  in  an  ash  bar'l.'  He  come 
fr'm  th'  White  House  with  tears  in  his  eyes  an' 
was  tol'  he  was  out  iv  wurruk.  But,  Hinnissy,  th' 
prisint  occypant  iv  th'  White  House  is  a  heartier 
person.  A  reproof  fr'm  him  is  th'  same  thing  as  a 
compound  fracture.  A  wurrud  iv  caution  will  lay 
a  man  up  f'r  a  week  an'  a  severe  riprimand  will  sind 
him  through  life  with  a  wooden  leg. 

"  There  was  me  frind,  Gin'ral  Miles.     No  more 
gallant    sojer   iver    dhrew   his    soord   to    cut   out   a 
*  [57] 


Observations  by  Mr.  Dooley 

patthern  f 'r  a  coat  thin  Gin'ral  Miles.  He's  hunted  th' 
Apachy,  th'  Sioux,  th'  Arapahoo,  th'  Comanchee,  th' 
Congressman  an'  other  savages  iv  th'  plain ;  he's  faced 
death  an'  promotion  in  ivry  form,  an'  no  harm  come 
to  him  till  he  wint  up  th'  White  House  stairs  or  maybe 
'twas  till  he  come  down.  Annyhow,  Gin'ral  Miles  was 
pursooin'  th'  thrue  coorse  iv  a  nachral  warryor  an' 
enlightenin'  th'  wurruld  on  th'  things  he  happened 
to  think  iv.  'Tis  what  is  ixpicted  iv  him.  If  ye  don't 
read  him  ye  don't  know  what's  goin'  on  in  th'  wurruld. 
Ivry  Sundah  I  pick  up  me  pa-aper  an'  hurry  through 
th'  articles  on  what  's  a  suitable  Christmas  gift  f 'r  th' 
hired  girl  who'll  pizen  th'  soup  if  she  gets  three  yards 
iv  calico,  be  Winnyfield  Scott  Schley,  an'  what  ought 
to  be  done  f'r  th'  Chinee,  be  Cap.  Mahan,  an'  get 
down  to  what  Gin'ral  Miles  thinks.  'Tis  always  good 
an'  full  iv  meaty  advice.  '  Is  Mars  inhabited  ? ' 
*  Th'  future  iv  th'  Columbya  river  salmon,'  '  Is  white 
lead  good  f'r  th'  complexion  ? '  '  What  wud  I  do 
if  I  had  a  millyion  dollars  an'  it  was  so,'  '  England's 
supreemacy  in  Cochin  China,'  '  Pink  gaiters  as  a 
necissity  iv  warfare,'  '  Is  th'  Impire  shouldhers  goin' 
out.'' '  'Waist  measurements  iv  warriors  I  have  met,' 
an'  so  on.  Gin'ral  Miles  is  th'  on'y  in-an'-out,  up 
an'  down,  catch-as-catch-can,  white,  red  or  black, 
with  or  without,  joumylist  we  have  left.  On  anny 
subject  fr'm  stove  polish  to  sun  worship,  I'd  take  th' 
wurrud  iv  me  frind  Gin'ral  Miles  befure  th'  man  that 
made  th'  goods. 

"  'Twas  that  got  him  into  throuble.     Wan  day 
afther  inspictin'  th'  army,  Gin'ral  Miles  give  a  chat 
[68] 


Widte  House  Discipline 

to  wan  IV  his  fav'rite  journals  on  what  he  thought 
about  th'  navy,  him  bein'  a  great  authority  on  navy 
affairs  befure  steam  come  in.  I  don't  know  what 
th'  divvle  he  said  an'  I  don't  care,  f'r  me  mind  was 
made  up  long  ago,  an'  ivrybody  that  don't  agree 
with  me  is  little  betther  thin  a  thraitor  or  a  cow'rd. 
But  annyhow  he  give  his  opinyion,  an'  afther  givin' 
it  he  took  his  bonnet  out,  had  a  goold  beater  in  to 
fix  up  th'  epylets,  got  th'  ilicthric  lights  goin'  in  th' 
buttons,  found  th'  right  pair  iv  blue  an'  pink  pants, 
pulled  on  th'  shoes  with  th'  silver  bells,  harnessed  to 
his  manly  hips  th'  soord  with  the  forget-me-nots  on 
th'  handle  an'  pranced  over  to  th'  White  House.  As 
he  wint  up  th'  hall,  he  noticed  an  atmosphere  iv  what 
Hogan  calls  cold  hatoor,  f'r  wan  iv  th'  durekeepers 
said  th'  prisidint  wasn't  home  an'  another  lightly 
kicked  him  as  he  passed,  but  like  a  sojer  he  wint  on 
to  th'  East  room  where  Mr.  Rosenfelt,  th'  pa-apers 
tells  me,  shtud  in  front  iv  th'  fireplace,  nervously 
pluckin'  Sicrety  Gage  be  th'  beard.  '  I've  come,' 
says  Gin'ral  Miles,  '  to  pay  me  rayspicts  to  th'  head 
iv  th'  naytion.'  '  Thank  ye,'  says  th'  prisidint,  '  I'll 
do  th'  same  f'r  th'  head  iv  th'  army,'  he  says,  bounc- 
in'  a  coal  scuttle  on  th'  vethran's  helmet.  '  Gin'ral, 
I  don't  like  ye'er  recent  conduct,'  he  says,  sindin'  th' 
right  to  th'  pint  iv  th'  jaw.  '  Ye've  been  in  th'  army 
forty  year,'  he  says,  pushin'  his  head  into  th'  grate, 
'  an'  ye  shud  know  that  an  officer  who  criticizes  his 
fellow  officers,  save  in  th'  reg'lar  way,  that  is  to  say 
in  a  round  robin,  is  guilty  iv  I  dinnaw  what,'  he 
says,  feedin'  him  with  his  soord.  '  I  am  foorced  to 
[59] 


Obsei'vations  by  Mr,  Dooley 

administher  ye  a  severe  reproof,'  he  says.  '  Is  that 
what  this  is?'  says  Gin'ral  Miles.  'It  is,'  says  th' 
prisidint.  '  I  thought  it  was  capital  punishmint,' 
says  Gin'ral  Miles  as  he  wint  out  through  th'  window 
pursooed  be  a  chandelier.  His  nex'  article  will  be  en- 
titled '  Hospital  Sketches,'  an'  I  andhershtand  he's 
dictatin'  a  few  remarks  to  his  nurse  on  providin'  at- 
thractive  suits  iv  steel  plate  f'r  gin'rals  in  th'  anny. 
"  Well,  sir,  they'll  be  gr-reat  times  down  there  f'r 
a  few  years.  A  movement  is  on  foot  f'r  to  establish 
an  emergency  hospital  f'r  office  holders  an'  politicians 
acrost  th'  sthreet  fr'm  th'  White  House  where  they 
can  be  threated  f'r  infractions  iv  th'  Civil  Sarvice 
law  followed  be  pers'nal  injuries.  I'll  be  watchin' 
th'  pa-apers  ivry  momin'.  '  Rayciption  at  th'  Wliite 
House.  Among  th'  casulties  was  so-an'-so.  Th' 
prisidint  was  in  a  happy  mood.  He  administhered  a 
stingin'  rebuke  to  th'  Chief  Justice  iv  th'  Supreme 
Coort,  a  left  hook  to  eye.  Sinitor  Hanna  was  pris- 
int  walkin'  with  a  stick.  Th'  prisidint  approached 
him  gaily  an'  asked  him  about  his  leg.  "  'Tis 
gettin'  betther,"  says  th'  sinitor.  "  That's  good," 
says  th'  prisidint.  "  Come  again  whin  it  is  entirely 
well  an'  we'll  talk  over  that  appointment,"  he  says. 
Th'  afthernoon  was  enlivened  be  th'  appearance  iv 
a  Southern  Congressman  askin'  f'r  a  foorth-class 
post-office.  Th'  prisidint  hardly  missed  him  be  more 
thin  a  foot  at  th'  gate,  but  th'  Congressman  bein' 
formerly  wan  iv  Mosby's  guerillas  escaped,  to  th' 
gr-reat  chagrin  iv  Mr.  Rosenfelt,  who  remarked  on 
his  return  that  life  at  th'  White  House  was  very 
[60] 


White  House  Discipline 

confinin'.  "  I  will  niver  be  able  to  enfoorce  th'  civil 
sarvice  law  till  I  take  more  exercise,"  he  said  heartily. 
Th'  ambulance  was  at  th'  dure  promptly  at  five,  but 
no  important  business  havin'  been  thransacted  nearly 
all  th'  cabinet  was  able  to  walk  to  their  homes.' 

"  Yes,  sir,  'twill  be  grand  an'  I'm  goin'  to  injye  it. 
F'r  th'  first  time  since  I've  been  at  it,  Ar-rchey  road 
methods  has  been  inthrajooced  in  naytional  polliticks. 
I  knew  th'  time  wud  come,  Hinnissy.  'Tis  th'  on'y 
way.  Ye  may  talk  about  it  as  much  as  ye  want,  but 
govermint,  me  boy,  is  a  case  iv  me  makin'  ye  do  what 
I  want  an'  if  I  can't  do  it  with  a  song,  I'll  do  it  with 
a  shovel.  Th'  ir'n  hand  in  th'  velvet  glove,  th'  horse- 
shoe in  th'  boxin'  mit,  th'  quick  right,  an'  th'  heavy 
boot,  that  was  th'  way  we  r-run  polliticks  when  I  was 
captain  iv  me  precinct." 

"  But  ye  niver  was  prisidint,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy. 

"  I  always  had  too  soft  a  spot  f'r  age,"  said  Mr. 
Dooley ;  "  an'  'tis  th'  aged  that  does  up  us  young 
fellows.    An'  annyhow  I  done  betther." 


[61] 


Money  and  Matrimony 


MONEY    AND    MATRIMONY 


<'^^"^AN  a  man  marry  on  twinty-five  dollars?" 

I  asked  Mr.  Dooley. 

^^-^ "  He  can  if  he  can  get  th'  money,"  said 
Mr.  Hennessy. 

"  Well,  sir,"  said  Mr.  Dooley;  "  here's  a  judge  on 
th'  binch  says  twinty-five  dollars  is  as  much  as  a  man 
needs  to  enther  th'  sacred  bonds — twinty-five  dollars 
beside  th'  nerve,  an'  he  has  to  have  that  annyhow. 
Th'  pa-apers  has  took  it  up  an'  some  is  f'r  it  an' 
some  is  again'  it.  A  few  iditors  believes  it  can  be  done 
on  less;  others  thinks  it  can't  be  done  undher  thirty 
at  th'  outside.  A  lamed  lawyer  says  that  a  man  who 
wud  lure  a  young  girl  away  fr'm  her  music  lessons 
whin  if  she  asked  him  f'r  twinty-six  dollars  he'd  have 
to  signal  f'r  help,  is  nawthin'  short  iv  a  crim'nal. 
Nearly  all  th'  ladin'  acthresses  in  th'  counthry  has 
been  interviewed  an'  they  say  that  if  marrid  at  all 
they  cud  not  see  their  way  clear  f'r  less  thin  a  millyion 
iv  money.  They  think  th'  judge  meant  a  divoorce. 
Lookin'  over  th'  argymints  pro  an'  con,  Hinnissy,  I 
come  to  th'  conclusion  that  th'  judge  is  wrong  an' 
times  has  changed. 

"  Whin  I  was  a  boy  all  a  man  needed  was  a  little 
encouragement  fr'm  th'  fam'ly,  an  account  with  a  liv- 
eryman an'  a  small  pull  with  th'  parish  priest  an' 
there  he  was.  'Twas  well  if  he  had  a  job  too  but  if 
[65] 


Observations  by  Mr,  Dooley 

he  hadn't  it  wasn't  a  bar.  A  marrid  man  can  always 
find  wurruk  to  do.  He's  got  to.  But  no  wan  iver 
thought  iv  askin'  him  to  skin  open  his  bank  book. 
They  w^asn't  anny  such  things.  They  wasn't  anny 
banks.  He  didn't  have  to  pin  a  cashier's  check  to 
th'  proposal  an'  put  in  a  sealed  bid.  If  th'  girls  in 
my  time  an'  this  part  iv  town  had  to  wait  f'r  an 
opulent  business  man  with  twinty-five  or  thirty  dol- 
lars, manny  iv  thim  wud  be  waitin'  at  this  minyit. 

"  We  looked  on  mathrimony  as  a  dhraft  on  pos- 
terity, as  Mark  Hanna  wud  say,  an'  not  as  an  in- 
vistmint.  We  argyied  that  while  th'  childher  was 
growin'  up  we'd  be  undher  no  expinse,  an'  when 
they'd  finished  their  schoolin'  an'  was  able  to  take  up 
th'  stern  jooties  iv  life  an'  go  to  wurruk,  say  between 
th'  age  iv  sivin  an'  nine,  they  cud  support  us  in  lux- 
ury. Th'  young  ladies  had  none  th'  best  iv  us.  They 
had  no  money  too,  along  with  th'  rest  iv  their  charms. 
It  was  no  case  iv  matchin'  coopons  in  thim  happy 
days.  Th'  father  iv  th'  fam'ly  niver  thought  iv 
sindin'  in  an  expert  accountant  to  look  over  th'  young 
man's  books  an'  decide  whether  his  invistmints  was 
sound,  an'  if  th'  young  man  had  th'  nerv^e  to  ask  his 
father-in-law  was  he  still  on  th'  payroll,  'twudn't  be 
the  sacramint  iv  mathrimony  he'd  require.  If  th' 
young  man  was  kind  to  th'  dog,  smoked  seegars  that 
were  not  made  be  th'  rubber  thrust  an'  cud  pass  ivry 
second  saloon  without  a  pang,  he  was  illegible  f'r 
to  enther  th'  first  fam'lies  in  th'  neighborhood  an' 
sometimes  even  th'  last.  We  was  too  dilicate  f'r  to 
speak  iv  marredge  as  though  it  was  like  buyin'  a 
[66] 


Money  and  Matrimony 

pound  iv  tinpinny  nails.  Durin'  th'  coortship  no  wan 
around  th'  house  iver  let  on  that  annything  was  in 
th'  air,  though  wanst  in  awhile  they  was  a  giggle  whin 
th'  dure  bell  rang  an'  th'  ol'  man  wud  give  a  wink  to 
th'  clock  an'  go  out  into  th'  kitchen.  We  spint  most 
iv  our  time  in  th'  kitchen  while  th'  preliminaries  was 
bein'  aiTanged.  Th'  coortship  I  think  wint  on  be  a 
complete  system  iv  signals  long  befure  Marconi  come 
into  th'  wurruld,  but  wan  night  th'  wealthy  heiress 
come  back  fr'm  th'  parlor  an'  fell  into  a  clinch  with 
her  mother,  an'  th'  proud  father  yawned  an'  wint  to 
bed.  That  was  all  they  was  to  it.  No  wan  assayed 
young  Lotharyo  Hinnissy  iv  th'  sixth  ward.  If  they 
heard  he  had  twinty-five  dollars,  they'd  begin  Pr  to 
make  an  allybi  ready  f'r  him.  I  mind  whin  Hogan 
was  goin'  to  marry  Cassidy's  daughter.  '  I  haven't 
a  cint,'  he  says.  *  Hurry  up  an'  marry  thin,'  says 
Cassidy,  '  or  ye  might  have.' 

"  That's  th'  way  it  was  in  thim  good  ol'  days  an', 
be  hivins,  I  think  that's  th'  way  it  is  now  among  th' 
likes  iv  us.  An'  that's  a  good  thing  f'r  th'  men  that 
own  th'  rollin'  mills.  It  wudden't  do  to  take  anny 
chances  goin'  up  an'  down  Ar-rchey  road  offerin' 
ye'ersilf  without  th'  cash  forfeit.  Some  wan  might 
call  ye.  But  it's  difF'rent  among  th'  best  fam'lies. 
'Tis  far  difF'rent.  I  read  be  th'  pa-apers  in  this  con- 
throvarsy  that  if  a  man  can't  show  down  a  bank 
account  that  wud  make  Andhrew  Carnaygie  feel  like 
goin'  back  to  wurruk,  he  might  as  well  make  up  his 
mind  to  remain  a  gay  bachelor  till  he  falls  fr'm  th' 
cab  f'r  th'  las'  time.  Not  f'r  him  th'  joys  iv  marrid 
[67] 


Obsei'vations  by  Mr,  Dooley 

life,  th'  futman  at  th'  dure  tellin'  him  his  wife  has  not 
come  home  yet,  th'  prattHn'  iv  th'  tendher  infant  as  it 
is  rocked  to  sleep  in  th'  incybator,  th'  frequent  let- 
thers  fr'm  abroad  askin'  him  if  th'  dhraft  come.  No 
ray spictible. woman  wud  have  him  while  he  was  gettin' 
th'  money  an'  none  ought  to  have  him  afther  he's 
got  it. 

"  Manetime  th'  price  iv  mathrimonyal  coopon  fours 
goes  up  till  hardly  annywan  can  think  iv  entherin' 
thim.  A  man  believes  th'  judge  was  wrong  an'  says 
he,  '  I'll  niver  condimn  Mary  Josephine  to  be  a  poor 
man's  wife.  I'll  wait  till  I  get  a  millyion.'  It's  not 
so  hard  to  get  a  millyion  nowadays  if  ye  pick  out 
th'  right  people  to  get  it  fr'm,  but  it  takes  some  time, 
an'  befure  th'  eager  suitor  has  landed  enough  to  sit 
in  th'  game,  he's  considherably  past  th'  age  iv  consint. 
Manetime  father,  too,  hasn't  been  idle.  He's  be- 
thrayed  a  few  thrusts  himsilf  an'  put  a  story  or  two 
on  th'  house.  So  wliin  th'  young  man  comes  up  wan 
night  an'  lays  down  his  pile  an'  suggests  that  th' 
time  has  come  f'r  to  hasten  th'  glad  evint,  father 
says :  '  I'm  afraid,  me  boy,  that  ye're  a  little  slow. 
Ye  haven't  kept  pace  with  th'  socyal  requiremints. 
Since  seein'  ye  last,  Mary  Josephine  has  acquired  th' 
use  iv  a  private  yacht  an'  is  slowly  mastherin'  th' 
great  truth  that  if  ye  have  a  club  suit,  ye  ought  to 
pass  up  th'  make.  A  slight  oversight  some  afther- 
noon  in  distinguishin'  thrumps  an'  they  wudden't  be 
enough  iv  that  bundle  left  to  put  a  rubber  band 
around.  No,  Mike,  I  think  a  gr-reat  deal  iv  ye,  but 
niver,  niver  will  I  consint  that  a  daughter  iv  mine  shud 
[68] 


Money  and  Matnmony 

Suffer  th'  pangs  iv  poverty.'  An'  so  it  goes  through 
th'  years  until  marredge,  Hinnissy,  is  resthricted  to 
th'  very  rich  an'  th'  exthremely  poor  who're  almost 
all  marrid  already. 

"  I  don't  know  mesilf  what  to  think  iv  it,  Hinnissy, 
an'  I  don't  know  that  I  ought  to  worry  about  it.  I 
haven't  noticed  anny  reduction  in  th'  number  iv 
marredge  licenses  day  be  day.  Th'  Kubelowskis  an' 
th'  Witsinskis  still  are  exchangin'  vows,  an'  if  they've 
got  more  thin  twinty-five  dollars  apiece  I'd  like  to 
know  where  they  got  it  an'  notify  th'  polis.  No,  sir, 
th'  gloryous  ol'  instichooshion  iv  which  I'm  as  proud 
as  I  am  shy  is  here  to  stay,  an'  I'm  thinkin'  it'll  be 
here  whin  money  becomes  extinct.  If  th'  rich  are 
becomin'  richer,  th'  poor  are  becomin'  more  foolish 
\  about  these  things,  an'  there's  hope  in  that.'' 
\  "  D'ye  ra-ally  think  a  man  ought  to  marry  on 
twinty-five  dollars  ?  "  asked  Mr.  Hennessy. 
1  "  If  he's  that  kind  iv  a  man,  more  money  thin  that 
wud  be  wasted  on  him,"  said  Mr.  Dooley. 


[69] 


Prince  Henry's  Visit 


PRINCE    HENRY'S    VISIT 

"  ~M    T'S  goln'  to  be  gr-reat  times  f'r  us  Germans 
I    whin   Prince   Hinnery   comes   over,"   said   Mr. 

-^  Dooley. 

"  By  th'  way,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy  with  an  air 
of  polite  curiosity,  "  what  relation's  he  to  th'  im.pror 
iv  Germany  ?     Is  he  th'  son  or  th'  nevvew  ?  " 

"  He's  nayther,"  said  Mr.  Dooley.  "  Th'  impror 
has  no  sons  that  I  iver  heerd  iv.  If  he  had  a  son 
he'd  be  a  steam  injine.  No,  sir,  this  man  is  th'  im- 
pror's  brother  Hinnery  or  Hans.  I  don't  exactly 
know  what  th'  usual  jooties  iv  an  impror's  brother 
is.  I  know  what  an  impror  has  to  do.  His  wurruk's 
cut  out  f'r  him.  I  cud  fill  th'  job  mesilf  to  me  own 
satisfaction  an'  th'  on'y  wan  an  impror  has  to  plaze 
is  himsilf.  Th'  German  impror  frequently  min- 
tions  another,  but  on'y  in  th'  way  iv  politeness.  I 
know  what  an  impror's  jooties  is,  but  I  don't  know 
what  an  impror's  brother  has  to  do  ex  officio,  as 
Hogan  says.  But  this  boy  Hinnery  or  Hans  has 
more  wurruk  thin  a  bartinder  in  a  prohibition  town. 
He's  a  kind  iv  travellin'  agent  f'r  th'  big  la-ad. 
His  bag  is  ready  packed  ivry  night,  he  sleeps  like  a 
fireman  with  his  pants  in  his  boots  beside  his  bed,  an' 
they'se  a  thrap  dure  alongside  th'  cradle  f'r  him  to 
slide  down  to  th'  first  flure. 

"  He's   no  more  thin  got  to  sleep  whin   th'  three 
6  [73] 


Observations  by  Mr,  Dootey 

iliven  sounds  on  th'  gong.  In  Hinnery  leaps  to  th' 
pantaloons,  down  th'  laddher  he  goes  puUin'  up 
his  suspinders  with  wan  hand  an'  puttin'  on  his  hat 
with  th'  other  an'  off  he  is  Fr  Corea  or  Chiny  or  Boo- 
loochistan  at  a  gallop.  His  brother  stands  at  th'  dure 
an'  hollers  farewell  to  him.  '  Go,  Hinnery,'  he  says. 
'  Go,  me  dear  brother,  to  th'  land  iv  perpetchooal 
sunshine  an'  knock  in  nails  f'r  to  hang  up  th'  German 
armor,'  he  says.  '  Knock  in  th'  nails,  an'  if  ye  happen 
to  hit  ye'ersilf  on  th'  thumb,  swear  on'y  be  th'  Ger- 
man Mike  an'  raymimber  ye  done  it  f'r  me,'  he  says. 
'  I  will  remain  at  home  an'  conthrol  th'  rest  iv  th' 
wurruld  with  th'  assistance  iv  that  German  Prov- 
idence that  has  been  as  kind  to  us  as  we  desarve  an' 
that  we  look  up  to  as  our  akel,'  he  says.  An'  Hinnery 
goes  away.  He  travels  o'er  land  an'  sea,  be  fire  an' 
flood  an'  field.  He's  th'  ginooine  flyin'  Dutchman. 
His  home  is  in  his  hat.  He  hasn't  slept  all  night  in 
a  bed  f'r  tin  years.  'Tis  Hinnery  this  an'  Hinnery 
that;  Hinnery  up  th'  Nile  an'  Hinnery  to  Injy ;  Hin- 
ner}^  here  an'  Hinnery  there.  Th'  cuffs  iv  his  shirt 
is  made  iv  th'  time  cards  iv  railroads.  Ivry  time 
they'se  a  change  in  schedool  he  ordhers  new  shirts. 
He  knows  th'  right*  iv  way  ff'm  Berlin  to  Ballyma- 
choo;  he  speaks  all  known  languages,  an'  ivrywhere 
he  goes  he  makes  a  frind  or  an  inimy,  which  is  th' 
same  thing  to  th'  Germans.  He  carries  a  sample 
case  undher  wan  arm  an'  a  gun  undher  th'  other,  an' 
if  ye  don't  like  Rhine  wine  perhaps  ye'll  take  lead. 
On  second  considherations  he  won't*  shoot  ye  but  he'll 
sell  ye  th'  Krupp.  They'se  more  where  it  come  fr'm. 
[74] 


Prince  Henry's  Visit 

"  I  tell  ye,  Hinnissy,  this  Impror  or  Kaiser  iv  Ger- 
many is  a  smart  man.  I  used  to  think  'twas  not  so. 
I  tliought  he  had  things  unaisy  in  his  wheel-house. 
I  mind  whin  he  got  th'  job,  ivrywan  says:  'Look 
out  f'r  war.  This  wild  man  will  be  in  that  office  f'r 
a  year  whin  he'll  just  about  declare  fight  with  th' 
wurruld.'  An'  ivrybody  framed  up  f'r  him.  But 
look  ye  what  happened.  'Tis  twinty  years  since  he 
was  swore  in  an'  ne'er  a  fight  has  he  had.  Ivry- 
body else  has  been  in  throuble.  A  screw-maker  iv 
a  sindintary  life  has  ploonged  England  into  a  war; 
me  frinds  th'  Greeks  that  were  considhered  about  akel 
to  a  flush  iv  anger  over  a  raid  on  a  push  cart  has 
mixed  it  up  with  th'  Turks ;  th'  Japs  has  been  at 
war,  an'  th'  Dagoes ;  our  own  peace-lovin'  nation  has 
been  runnin'  wan  short  an'  wan  serryal  war,  an'  aven 
th'  Chinese  has  got  their  dandher  up,  be  hivins,  but 
Willum,  th'  Middleweight  Champeen,  Willum  th' 
Potsdam  Game  Chicken,  Willum,  th'  Unterdenlinden 
Cyclone,  Willum  has  been  ladin'  th'  ca'm  an'  pros- 
perous life  iv  a  delicatessen  dealer  undher  a  turner 
hall.  He's  had  no  fights.  He  niver  will  have  anny 
fights.  He  '11  go  to  his  grave  with  th'  repytation  iv 
nayether  winnin'  nor  losin'  a  battle,  but  iv  takin'  down 
more  forfeits  thin  anny  impror  pugilist  iv  our  time. 

"What  do  I  think  iv  him?  Well,  sir,  I  think 
he's  not  a  fighter  but  a  fight  lover.  Did  ye  iver  see 
wan  iv  thim  young  men  that  always  has  a  front  seat 
at  a  scrap  so  near  th'  ring  that  whin  th'  second  blows 
th'  wather  he  gets  what's  left  on  his  shirt  front? 
Well,  that's  me  frind  Willum.  He  is  a  pathron  iv 
[75] 


Observations  by  Mr,  Dooley 

spoort  an'  not  a  spoort.  His  ideel  is  war  but  he's 
a  practical  man.  He  has  a  season  ticket  to  th'  matches 
but  he  niver  will  put  on  the  gloves.  He's  in  the 
spoortin'  goods  business  an'  he  usu'lly  gets  a  per- 
cintage  iv  th'  gate  receipts.  If  he  sees  two  nations 
bellowin'  at  each  other  th'  assurances  iv  their  dis- 
tinguished considheration,  he  says :  '  Boys,  get  to- 
gether. 'Tis  a  good  match.  Ye're  both  afraid.  Go 
in,  uncle;  go  in,  Boer.'  He  is  all  around  th'  ring- 
side, encouragin'  both  sides.  *  Stand  up  again'  him 
there,  Paul;  rassle  him  to  th'  flure.  Good  f'r  ye, 
uncle.  A  thrifle  low,  that  wan,  but  all's  fair  in  war. 
Defind  ye'er  indipindance,  noble  sons  iv  Teutonic 
blood.  Exercise  ye'er  sov'reign  rights,  me  English 
frinds.'  If  wan  or  th'  other  begins  to  weaken  th' 
first  bottle  through  th'  ropes  is  Willum's.  Whin  anny- 
body  suggests  a  dhraw,  he  demands  his  money  back. 
Nawthin'  but  a  fight  to  a  finish  will  do  him.  If 
ayether  iv  th'  contestants  is  alive  in  th'  ring  at  th' 
end,  he  congratulates  him  an'  asks  him  if  he  heerd 
that  German  cheer  in  th'  las'  round. 

"  Oh,  he's  good.  He'll  do  all  right,  that  German 
man.  In  high  di-plomacy,  he's  what  in  low  di-plom- 
acy  wud  be  called  a  happy  jollyer.  But  he  knows 
that  if  a  man's  always  slappin'  ye  on  th'  back,  ye 
begin  to  think  he's  weak;  so  he  first  shakes  his  fist 
undher  ye'er  nose  an'  thin  slaps  ye  on  th'  back.  Some- 
times he  does  both  at  th'  same  time.  An'  he's  got  th' 
thrue  jollyer's  way  iv  provin'  to  ye  that  he's  ye'er 
frind  alone  an'  th'  deadly  inimy  iv  all  others.  He's 
got  th'   Czar  iv  Rooshya  hypnotized,  th'   King  iv 


Prince  Henrys  Visit 

England  hugged  to  a  standstill,  an'  th'  Impror  iv 
Chiny  in  tears.  An'  he's  made  thim  all  think  th' 
first  thing  annjwan  knows,  he'll  haul  off  an'  swing 
on  wan  iv  th'  others. 

"  So,  havin'  fixed  ivrything  up  in  Europe,  he  cast 
his  eyes  on  this  counthry,  an'  says  he :  '  I  think  I'll 
have  to  dazzle  thim  furriners  somewhat.  They've 
got  a  round-headed  man  f'r  prisidint  that  was  born 
with  spurs  on  his  feet  an'  had  a  catridge-belt  f'r  a 
rattle,  an'  some  day  his  goolash  won't  agree  with 
him  an'  he'll  call  th'  bluff  I've  been  makin'  these 
manny  years.  What'll  I  do  to  make  thim  me  frinds 
so  that  'twud  be  like  settin'  fire  to  their  own  house 
to  attackt  me.?  Be  hivins,  I've  got  it.  They're  a 
dimmycratic  people.  I'll  sind  thim  a  prince.  They 
can't  keep  him  away,  an'  whin  he  lands,  th'  German 
popylation'll  come  out  an'  get  up  schootzenfists  f'r  him 
an'  me  fellow  impror  acrost  th'  say'll  see  how  manny 
iv  them  there  ar-re,  an'  he'll  think  twict  befure  he 
makes  faces  at  me.  F'r,  wanst  a  German,  always  a 
German  be  it  iver  so  far,'  he  says.  '  I'll  sind  thim 
Hinnery.  Hinnery !  Turn  in  th'  alarm  f'r  Hin- 
nery,'  he  says.  Hinnery  slides  down  th'  pole  an' 
th'  Impror  says :  '  Brother,  catch  th'  night  boat  f'r 
America  an'  pay  a  visit  to  whativer  king  they  have 
there.  Take  along  annywan  ye  like  an'  as  manny 
thi-unks  as  ye  need,  an'  stay  as  long  as  ye  plaze. 
Don't  ring.  Back  th'  dhray  again'  th'  front  dure 
an'  hurl  ye'ersilf  into  th'  first  bed  room  ye  see.  Act 
just  as  if  ye  was  me,'  he  says.  '  But  I'm  not  invited,' 
says  Hinnery.  '  Write  ye'er  own  invitation,'  says 
[77] 


Observations  by  Mr.  Dooley 

Willum.  '  Here's  th'  answer :  '  Fellow  Potyntate, 
Ye'ers  iv  tJi'  second  instant  askin'  me  brother  Hinnery 
to  spind  a  year  with  ye,  not  received.  In  reply  will 
say  that  nawthin'  cud  give  me  gr-reater  pleasure. 
He  can  stay  as  long  as  he  plazes.  Him  an'  his  soot 
will  not  need  more  thin  th'  whole  house,  so  ye  can  have 
th'  bam  to  ye'ersilf .  If  ye  have  a  brother,  don't  neg- 
lect to  sind  him  over  to  see  me.  I  know  a  good  hotel 
at  four  a  day,  all  included  but  candles,  an'  if  he 
stands  at  th'  front  window,  he  can  see  me  go  by  anny 
day.     Ye'ers,  Willum,  Rex  an'  a  shade  more.' 

"  So  here  comes  Hinnery,  an'  we're  goin'  to  give 
him  a  gloryous  rayciption.  Th'  war  vessels  will  be 
out  to  welcome  him,  th'  prisidint  will  meet  him  at  th' 
dock  an'  he  will  be  threated  to  wan  continyous  round 
iv  schutzenfists,  turnd'yeminds,  sangerbunds,  kat- 
zen jammers,  skats,  an'  other  German  fistivals.  Th' 
aristocracy  iv  New  York  is  practicin'  Dutch  an'  th' 
Waldorf-Astorya  v/ill  be  festooned  with  dachshunds. 
He'll  see  more  Germans  an'  more  German  Germans 
thin  he  iver  see  in  Prooshya.  An'  I  hope  he'll  have 
a  good  time." 

"  I  wondher  what  Tiddy  Rosenfelt  thinks  iv  it.?  " 
asked  Mr.  Hennessy. 

"  Well,  what  wud  ye  think  if  ye'd  had  to  intertain 
a  German  Prince  unawares.?  Ye'd  give  him  th'  best 
ye'd  got,  ye'd  dig  up  a  bottle  iv  Knockimheimer  down 
th'  sthreet  an'  ye'd  see  that  he  got  a  noodle  ivry  time 
he  reached.  An'  w^hin  he  wint  away,  ye'd  go  as  far 
as  th'  dure  with  him  an'  pat  him  on  th'  back  an'  say : 
'  Good-bye,  good-bye,  Hinnery.  Good-bye,  Hans. 
[78] 


Prince  Henrys  Visit 

Guten  nobben,  oof  veedersayin,  me  boy.  Good  luck 
to  ye.  Look  out  f 'r  that  shtep !  There  ye  ar-re.  Be 
careful  iv  th'  gate.  D'ye  think  ye  can  get  home 
all  right?  I'd  go  as  far  as  th'  car  with  ye  if  I  had 
me  coat  on.  Well,  good-bye  lanksman.  Raymimber 
me  to  ye'er  brother.  Tell  him  not  to  f'rget  that  little 
matther.  Oh,  of  coorse,  they'se  no  counthry  in  th' 
wurruld  like  Germany  an'  we're  uncivilized  an' 
rapacyous  an'  will  get  our  heads  knocked  off  if  we 
go  into  a  fight.  Good-bye,  mein  frind.'  An'  whin 
ye'd  shut  th'  dure  on  him,  ye'd  say :  '  Well,  what  d'ye 
think  iv  that.?'" 


[79] 


Prince  Henry's  Reception 


PRINCE      HENRY'S      RECEPTION 

THAT  Prince  Hinncry  seems  to  be  havin' 
a  good  time,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy. 
"  He's  havin'  th'  time  iv  his  life,"  said 
Mr.  Dooley.  "  Not  since  th'  Hohnezollern  fam'ly 
was  founded  be  wan  iv  th'  ablest  burglars  iv  th'  mid- 
dle ages  has  anny  prince  injyed  such  a  spree  as  this 
wan.  Ye  see,  a  prince  is  a  gr-reat  man  in  th'  ol' 
counthry^  but  he  niver  is  as  gr-reat  over  there  as  he 
is  here.  Whin  he's  at  home  he's  something  th'  people 
can't  help  an'  they  don't  mind  him.  He's  like  an 
iron  lamp  post,  station'ry,  omymintal,  an'  useful  to 
let  people  know  where  they  are.  But  whin  he  comes 
to  this  home  iv  raypublican  simplicity,  he's  all  that 
th'  wurrud  prince  wud  imply,  an'  it  implies  more  to 
us  thin  to  annywan  else.  I  tell  ye,  we're  givin'  him 
th'  best  we  have  in  th'  shop.  We're  showin'  him  that 
whativer  riv'rince  we  may  feel  tow'rd  George 
Wash'nton,  it  don't  prejudice  us  again'  live  princes. 
Th'  princes  we  hate  is  tliim  that  are  dead  an'  harm- 
less. We've  rayceived  him  with  open  arms,  an'  I'll 
say  this  f'r  him,  that  f'r  a  German  he's  a  good  fellow. 
"  That's  as  far  as  I  care  to  go,  havin'  lived  f'r 
manny  years  among  th'  Germans.  I'm  not  prejudiced 
again'  thim,  mind  ye.  They  make  good  beer  an' 
good  citizens  an'  mod-rate  polismen,  an'  they  are 
fond  iv  their  fam'lies  an'  cheese.  But  wanst  a 
[83] 


ObscTvatio?is  by  Mr.  JDooley 

German,  always  Dutch.  Ye  cudden't  make  Americans 
iv  thim  if  ye  called  thim  all  Perkins  an'  brought 
thim  up  in  Worcester.  A  German  niver  ra-aly 
leaves  Germany.  He  takes  it  with  him  wheriver  he 
goes.  Whin  an  Irishman  is  four  miles  out  at  sea  he 
is  as  much  an  American  as  Presarved  Fish.  But  a 
German  is  niver  an  American  excipt  whin  he  goes 
back  to  Germany  to  see  his  rilitives.  He  keeps  his 
own  language,  he  plays  pinochle,  he  despises  th' 
dhrink  iv  th'  counthry,  his  food  is  sthrange  an'  ke 
on'y  votes  f'r  Germans  f'r  office,  or  if  he  can't  get  a 
German,  f'r  somewan  who's  again'  th'  Irish.  I  bet 
ye,  if  ye  was  to  suddenly  ask  Schwarzmeister  where 
he  is,  he'd  say :  '  At  Hockheimer  in  Schwabia.'  He 
don't  ra-aly  know  he  iver  come  to  this  counthry.  I've 
heerd  him  talkin'  to  himsilf.  He  always  counts  in 
German. 

"  But  I  say  about  Prince  Hinnery  that  f'r  a  Ger- 
man he's  all  right  an'  I'm  glad  he  come.  I  hear  he 
wrote  home  to  his  brother  that  is  th'  Imp'ror  over 
there :  '  Dear  Willum :  This  is  a  wondherf ul  counthry, 
an'  they've  give  me  a  perfectly  killin'  rayciption. 
I've  almost  died  laughin'.  We  was  met  forty  miles 
out  at  sea  be  a  band  on  a  raft  play  in'  th'  Watch  on 
th'  Rhine.  We  encountered  another  band  playin'  th' 
same  plazin'  harmony  ivry  five  miles  till  we  got  up 
to  New  York.  I  wisht  I  had  come  over  on  a  man-iv- 
war.  In  th'  Bay  we  was  surrounded  be  a  fleet  iv  tugs 
carryin'  riprisintatives  iv  th'  press,  singin'  th'  Watch 
on  th'  Rhine.  I  rayceived  siveral  offers  through  a 
migaphone  to  write  an  article  about  what  ye  say  in 
[84] 


Prince  Henrys  Reception 

ye'er  sleep  f'r  th'  pa-apers,  but  I  declined  thim, 
awaltin'  insthructions  fr'm  ye.  At  th'  dock  we  was 
greeted  be  a  band  playin'  th'  Watch  on  th'  Rhine  an' 
afther  some  delay,  caused  be  th'  Delicatessen  Sanger- 
bund  holdin'  us  while  they  sung  th'  Watch  on  th' 
Rhine,  we  stepped  ashore  on  a  gangplank  neatly 
formed  be  th'  guv'nor  iv  th'  state  holdin'  onto  th'  feet 
iv  th'  mayor,  him  clutchin'  th'  iditor  iv  th'  Staats 
Zeitung  an'  so  on,  th'  gangplank  singin'  th'  Watch 
on  th'  Rhine  as  we  walked  to  th'  dock. 

"  *  I  am  much  imprissed  be  New  York.  I  hate  it. 
Th'  buildin's  are  very  high  here  but  th'  language 
is  higher.  If  I  was  to  go  home  now,  ye  wudden't 
know  me.  Afther  I  hear  a  speech  I  don't  dare  to  look 
in  th'  glass  f'r  fear  I  might  be  guilty  iv  treason  to 
ye,  mein  lieber.  Our  illustrious  ancesthor,  Fridrick 
th'  Great,  was  a  cheap  an'  common  man  compared 
to  me,  an'  ye,  august  brother,  niver  got  by  th'  barrier. 
I  hope  I'll  have  time  to  cool  down  befure  I  get  home 
or  ye'll  have  to  lock  me  up. 

"  '  They're  givin'  me  th'  fine  line  iv  entertainmint. 
Ivrywhere  I  go,  they'se  music  or  something  that  does 
as  well.  I  have  a  musical  insthrument  called  a 
catastrophone  in  me  room  that  plays  th'  Watch  on 
th'  Rhine  whin  I  go  in  at  night  an'  get  up  in  th' 
mornin'.  Whin  I  go  out  on  th'  sthreet,  th'  crowd 
cries  "  Hock  th'  Kaiser."  I  wish  they'd  stop  hockin' 
ye,  dear  brother,  an'  hock  th'  Watch  on  th'  Rhine. 
(This  here  is  an  American  joke.  I'm  gettin'  on  fast.) 
I'm  goin'  to  be  took  to  th'  opry  some  night  this  week. 
They've  fired  a  lot  iv  la-ads  out  iv  their  boxes  to  make 
[85] 


Observations  by  Mr.  Dooley 

room  f  r  me.  Wan  iv  thim  objected,  but  he  was  fired 
annyhow.  Aftherward  I'm  goin'  to  ate  dinner  with 
th'  iditors  iv  th'  counthry.  Won't  that  be  nice?  I 
suppose  I'm  th'  first  Hohnezollern  that  iver  took  din- 
ner with  an  iditor,  though  our  fam'ly  has  often  given 
thim  food  an'  lodgin' — in  jail.  I  wish  ye  was  here 
to  go  with  me.  Ye've  had  more  journyhstic  expeer- 
yence  an'  manny  iv  th'  things  ye've  had  printed  wud- 
den't  seem  too  unthrue  to  th'  other  guests.  Th'  news- 
papers has  been  mos'  kind  to  me,  I  might  say  almost 
too  kind.  I  am  sindin'  ye  a  photygraft  iv  mesilf  in 
me  bath,  took  be  flashlight  be  an  iditor  concealed  on 
th'  top  iv  th'  clothes  press,  an'  an  interview  be  a  lady 
rayporther  who  riprisinted  hersilf  as  th'  Queen  iv 
Ohio. 

"  '  But  th'  big  ivint  comes  off  tomorrah.  I  am 
actually  invited  to  a  dinner  iv  wan  hundherd  iv  th' 
riprisintative  business  men  iv  New  York  an'  a  few 
Christyans  ast  in  aftherward.  Hooray,  hooray! 
Mind  ye,  these  ar-re  not  ordhn'ry  business  men.  Far 
fr'm  it.  No  one  gets  in  unless  he  has  made  at  laste 
eight  millylon  marks  out  iv  th'  sivinty  millyion  marks 
in  this  counthry.  An'  I'm  ast  to  meet  thim !  What 
fun!  I  bet  'twill  be  jolly.  I'm  goin'  to  buy  me  a 
table  f'r  computin'  inthrest,  a  copy  iv  th'  naytional 
bankin'  act  an'  a  good  account  iv  th'  thransactions 
in  sterlin'  exchange  f'r  th'  cun^ent  year  an'  whin  th' 
quip  an'  jest  go  round,  I'll  be  no  skeleton  at  th'  feast. 

"  '  Ye  can  see  be  this  that  me  life  has  been  almost 
too  gay,  but  th'  merry  mint  goes  blithely  on.  Fr'm 
here  I  go  to  Bawstown  where  I  expict  to  pat  th' 
[86] 


Prince  Henry  s  Reception 

Bunker  Hill  monjmint  on  th'  head  an'  have  a  look 
at  th'  new  railway  station.  Then  I  will  take  in 
Buffly,  Cichago  ( pro-nounced  Sichawgo),  Saint 
Looey,  Three  Rapids,  Idaho,  Pinnsylvanya,  an'  mos' 
iv  th'  large  cities  iv  th'  west,  includin'  Chatahooga 
where  wan  iv  th'  gr-reat  battles  iv  th'  rivolution  was 
fought  between  Gin'ral  Sigel  an'  Gin'ral  ZollycofFer. 
I  ixpict  to  larn  a  good  deal  about  th'  steel,  pork,  corn, 
lard  an'  lithrachoor  iv  th'  counthry  befure  I  ra3^turn. 
But  this  buttherfly  existence  is  killin'  me.  It  is  far 
too  gay.  I  suppose  whin  I  was  younger,  I  wud've 
injyed  it,  but  me  time  f'r  socyal  fistivities  has  passed 
an'  I  long  f'r  th'  quiet  iv  home  life  among  th'  simple 
ryelties  iv  Europe.     Ye'ers,  Hinnery.' 

"  Yes,  he's  bavin'  a  good  time.  But  what  th' 
pa-apers  calls  th'  climax  iv  th'  intertainmint  will  be 
reached  whin  he  arrives  in  Chicago.  Schwartzmeister 
an'  I  will  rayceive  him.  Schwartzmeister's  fam'ly 
knew  his  in  th'  ol'  counthry.  He  had  an  uncle  that 
was  booted  all  th'  way  fr'm  Sedan  to  Paris  be  a  cousin 
iv  th'  Prince.  We've  arranged  th'  programme  as  far 
as  Ar-rchey  road  is  consumed.  Monday  momin', 
visit  to  Kennedy's  packin'  house;  afthemoon,  Rior- 
dan's  blacksmith  shop ;  avenin',  '  Th'  Two  Orphans,' 
at  th'  Halsted  sthreet  opry  house.  Choosdah,  iliven 
A.M.,  inspiction  iv  th'  rollin'  mills;  afthernoon,  visit 
to  Feeney's  coal  yard ;  avenin',  '  Bells  iv  Corneville,' 
at  th'  opry  house.  Winsdah  momin',  tug  ride  on  th' 
river  fr'm  Thirty-first  sthreet  to  Law's  coal  yard; 
afthernoon,  a  call  on  th'  tanneries,  th'  cable  barn  an' 
th'  brick  yards;  avenin',  dinner  an'  rayciption  be 
[87] 


Observations  by  Mr,  Dooley 

th'  retail  saloonkeepers.  There's  th'  whole  pro- 
gramme. They  may  think  in  New  York  they  are 
givin'  him  a  good  time  but  we'll  show  him  what  gayety 
ra-aly  is,  an'  inform  him  iv  th'  foundation  iv  our 
supreemacy  as  a  nation.  That's  what  he  wants  to 
see  an'  we'll  show  it  to  him." 

"  Goowan,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy.     "  He  don't  know 

ye." 

"  I  bet  ye  he  knows  me  as  much  as  he  knows  thim," 
said  Mr.  Dooley.  "  To  a  ra-ale  prince,  they  can't 
be  much  diff'rence  between  a  man  who  sells  liquor  be 
th'  pail  an'  wan  that  sells  it  be  th'  distillery,  between 
a  man  that  makes  a  horseshoe  an'  wan  that  makes  a 
millyion  tons  iv  steel.  We're  all  alike  to  him — Car- 
naygie,  Rockyfellar,  Morgan,  Schwartzmeister  an' 
me." 

"  Well,  he  certainly  has  been  well  rayceived,"  said 
Mr.  Hennessy. 

"  I  wondher,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "  if  he  thinks  'tis 
on  th'  square !  " 


[88] 


Cuba  vs.  Beet  Sugar 


CUBA  VS.  BEET  SUGAR 

"  ^  "Ijr  T  HAT'S    all    this    about    Cubia    an'    th' 
\/\/    Ph'lippeens ? "     asked     Mr.     Hennessy. 

▼  ▼  "What's  beet  sugar?" 
"  Th'  throuble  about  Cubia  is  that  she's  free;  th' 
throuble  about  beet  sugar  is  we're  not;  an'  th'  throu- 
ble about  th'  Ph'lippeens  is  th'  Ph'lippeen  throuble," 
said  Mr.  Dooley.  "  As  rega-ards  Cubia,  she's  like 
a  woman  that  th'  whole  neighborhood  helps  to 
divoorce  fr'm  a  crool  husband,  but  nivertheless  a  hus- 
band, an'  a  miserable  home  but  a  home,  an'  a  small 
credit  at  th'  grocery  but  a  credit,  an'  thin  whin  she 
goes  into  th'  dhressmakin'  business,  rayfuse  to  buy 
annything  fr'm  her  because  she's  a  divoorced  woman. 
We  freed  Cubia  but  we  didn't  free  annything  she 
projooces.  It  wasn't  her  fault.  We  didn't  think. 
We  expicted  that  all  we  had  to  do  was  to  go  down 
to  Sandago  wdth  a  kinetoscope  an'  sthrike  th'  shackles 
fr'm  th'  slave  an'  she'd  be  comfortable  even  if  she 
had  no  other  protiction  f'r  her  poor  feet.  We  f'rgot 
about  th'  Beet.  Most  iv  us  niver  thought  about 
that  beautiful  but  fragile  flower  excipt  biled  in  con- 
niction  with  pigs'  feet  or  pickled  in  its  own  life 
juice.  We  didn't  know  that  upon  th'  Beet  hangs  th' 
fate  iv  th'  nation,  th'  hope  iv  th'  future,  th'  per- 
manence iv  our  instichoochions  an'  a  lot  iv  other 
things  akelly  precious.  Th'  Beet  is  th'  naytional 
[91] 


Observations  by  Mr.  Dooley 

anthem  an',  be  hivins,  it  looks  as  though  it  might  be 
th'  naytional  motto  befure  long. 

"  Well,  Cubia  got  her  freedom  or  something  that 
wud  look  like  th'  same  thing  if  she  kept  it  out  iv 
th'  rain,  but  somehow  or  another  it  didn't  suit  her 
entirely.  A  sort  iv  cravin'  come  over  her  that  it  was 
hard  to  tell  fr'm  th'  same  feelin'  iv  vacancy  that 
she  knew  whin  she  was  opprissed  be  th'  Hated  Casteel. 
Hunger,  Hinnissy,  is  about  th'  same  thing  in  a 
raypublic  as  in  a  dispotism.  They'se  not  much 
choice  iv  unhappiness  between  a  hungry  slave  an'  a 
hungry  freeman.  Cubia  cudden't  cuk  or  wear  free- 
dom. Ye  can't  make  freedom  into  a  stew  an'  ye  can't 
cut  a  pair  iv  pants  out  iv  it.  It  won't  bile,  fry,  bake 
or  fricassee.  Ye  can't  take  two  pounds  iv  fresh 
creamery  freedom,  a  pound  iv  north  wind,  a  heapin' 
taycupfull  iv  naytional  aspirations  an'  a  sprinklin'  iv 
bars  fr'm  th'  naytional  air,  mix  well,  cuk  over  a 
hot  fire  an'  sarve  sthraight  fr'm  th'  shtove;  ye  can't 
make  a  dish  out  iv  that  that  wud  nourish  a  tired  free- 
man whin  he  comes  home  afther  a  hard  day's  wurruk 
lookin'  f'r  a  job.  So  Cubia  comes  to  us  an'  says  she: 
'  Ye  done  well  by  us,'  she  says.  '  Ye  give  us  free- 
dom,' says  she,  '  an'  more  thin  enough  to  go  round,' 
she  says,  '  an'  now  if  ye  plaze  we'd  like  to  thrade  a 
little  iv  it  back  f'r  a  few  groceries,'  she  says.  *  We 
will  wear  wan  shackle  f'r  a  ham,'  says  she,  '  an'  we'll 
put  on  a  full  raygalia  iv  ball  an'  chain  an'  yoke 
an'  fetters  an'  come-alongs  f'r  a  square  meal,'  says 
she. 

"  That  sounds  raisonable  enough  an'  bein'  be  nature 
[92] 


Cuba  vs.  Beet  Sugar 

a  gin'rous  people  whin  we  don't  think,  we're  about 
to  help  her  disthress  with  whativer  we  have  cold  in 
th'  panthry  whin  th'  thought  iv  th'  Beet  crosses  our 
minds.  What  will  th'  Beet  say,  th'  red,  th'  juicy, 
th'  sacchrine  Beet,  th'  Beet  iv  our  Fathers,  th'  Beet 
iv  Plymouth  Rock,  Beet  iv  th'  Pilgrim's  Pride,  Sweet 
Beet  iv  Liberty,  iv  thee  I  sing?  If  we  do  anny thing 
f'r  Cubia,  down  goes  th'  Beet,  an'  with  th'  Beet 
perishes  our  instichoochions.  Th'  constichoochion 
follows  th'  Beet  ex  propria  vigore,  as  Hogan  says. 
Th'  juice  iv  th'  Beet  is  th'  life  blood  iv  our  nation. 
Whoiver  touches  a  hair  iv  yon  star  spangled  Beet, 
shoot  him  on  th'  spot.  A  bold  Beet  industhry  a  coun- 
thry's  pride  whin  wanst  desthroyed  can  niver  be  sup- 
plied. '  Beet  sugar  an'  Liberty  Now  an'  Foriver,  wan 
an'  insiprable  ' — Dan'l  Webster.  '  Thank  Gawd  I — 
I  also — am  a  Beet ' — th'  same.  '  Gover'mint  iv  th' 
Beet,  by  th'  Beet  an'  f'r  th'  Beet  shall  not  perish  fr'm 
th'  earth,' — Abraham  Lincoln.  An'  so,  Hinnissy, 
we  put  th'  pie  back  into  th'  ice-chest  where  we  keep 
our  honor  an'  ginerosity  an'  lock  th'  dure  an'  Cubia 
goes  home,  free  an'  hopeless.  D'ye  think  so?  Well, 
I  don't.  Be  hivins,  Hinnissy,  I  think  th'  time  has 
come  whin  we've  got  to  say  whether  we're  a  nation  iv 
Beets.  I  am  no  serf,  but  I'd  rather  be  bent  undher 
th'  dispotism  iv  a  Casteel  thin  undher  th'  tyranny  iv 
a  Beet.  If  I've  got  to  be  a  slave,  I'd  rather  be  wan 
to  a  man,  even  a  Spanish  man,  thin  to  a  viggytable. 
If  I'm  goin'  to  be  opprissed  be  a  Beet,  let  it  be  fr'm 
th'  inside  not  fr'm  without.  I'll  choose  me  masther, 
Hinnissy,  an'  whin  I  do,  'twill  not  be  that  low-lyin% 
[93] 


Observations  hij  3I?\  Dooley 

purple-complected,  indygistible  viggytable.  I  may 
bend  me  high  head  to  th'  egg-plant,  th'  potato,  th' 
cabbage,  th'  squash,  th'  punkin,  th'  sparrow-grass, 
th'  onion,  th'  spinach,  th'  rutabaga  turnip,  th' 
Fr-rench  pea  or  th'  parsnip,  but  'twill  niver  be  said 
iv  me  that  I  was  subjy gated  be  a  Beet.  No,  sir. 
Betther  death.  I'm  goin'  to  begin  a  war  f'r  freedom. 
I'm  goin'  to  sthrike  th'  shackles  fr'm  a  slave  an'  I'm 
him.  I'm  goin'  to  organize  a  rig'mint  iv  Rough 
Riders  an'  whin  I  stand  on  th'  top  iv  San  Joon  hill 
with  me  soord  in  me  hand  an'  me  gleamin'  specs  on 
me  nose,  ye  can  mark  th'  end  iv  th'  domination  iv 
th'  Beet  in  th'  western  wurruld.  F'r,  Hinnissy,  I  tell 
ye  what,  if  th'  things  I  hear  fr'm  Wash'nton  is  thrue, 
that  other  war  iv  freedom  stopped  befure  it  was  half 
done." 

"An'  what  about  th'  Ph'lippeens .? "  asked  Mr. 
Hennessy. 

"  They'se  nawthin'  to  say  about  th'  Ph'lippeens," 
said  Mr.  Dooley,  "  excipt  that  th'  throuble  down  there 
is  all  over." 

"AUover.?" 

"  All  over." 


[94] 


Bad  Men  from  the  West 


BAD    MEN    FROM    THE    WEST 

"  nr  SEE,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy,  "  th'  Sinit  has 
I    rayfused  f r  to  confirm  th'  nommynation  iv  a 

-*^  man  f'r  an  office  out  West  because  he'd  been 
in  jail." 

"  Pro-fissyonal  jealousy,"  said  Mr.  Dooley.  "  Ye 
see,  th'  fact  iv  th'  matther  is  th'  Sinit  don't  know 
what  th'  people  iv  th'  Far  West  want  an'  th'  prisidint 
does.  Th'  Sinit  thinks  th'  jooty  iv  th'  counthry 
to  th'  land  iv  th'  tarantuly  is  done  if  they  sind  out 
a  man  too  weak  in  th'  lungs  to  stay  in  th'  East  an' 
wan  that  can  multiply  com-pound  fractions  in  his 
head.  But  th'  prisidint  he  knows  that  what's  needed 
in  th'  Far  West  is  active,  intilligent  officers  that  can 
shoot  through  th'  pocket.  Th'  other  day  it  become 
necess'ry  to  thrust  on  th'  impeer3^al  terrytory  iv 
Aryzony  a  competint  person  f'r  to  administher  th' 
laws  an'  keep  th'  peace  iv  said  community,  an'  th' 
pollyticians  in  Wash'nton  was  f'r  givin'  thim  some- 
wan  fr'm  Connecticut  or  Rhode  Island  with  a  cough 
an'  a  brother  in  th'  legislachure.  But  th'  prisidint 
says  no.  '  No,'  he  says,  '  none  but  th'  best,'  he  sa3\s, 
'  f'r  th'  domain  iv  th'  settin'  sun,'  he  says.  '  I  know 
th'  counthry  well,'  he  says, '  an'  to  cope  with  th'  hardy 
spirits  iv  Aryzony  'tis  issintial  we  shud  have  a  man 
that  can  plug  a  coyote  fr'm  th'  hip  at  fifty  paces,' 
he  says.     '  How  can  you  dhraw  to  yon  hectic  flush 


Observations  by  Mr,  Dooley 

so's  to  make  him  good  again'  th'  full  hands  iv  thim 
communities  where  life  is  wan  gay  an'  tireless  round 
iv  shoot,'  he  says.  '  Ye  can't  expict  him  to  riprisint 
th'  majesty  iv  th'  govermint  iv  Wash'nton  an' 
Lincoln.  He'd  be  bucked  off  befure  he  got  his  feet 
in  th'-  sturrups.  No,  sir,  th'  man  iv  me  choice  is 
Tarantula  Jake,  th'  wliirlwind  iv  Zuma  Pass.  This 
imminint  statesman  has  pocketed  more  balls  thin 
anny  other  disperado  west  iv  Tucson,  an'  anny  docy- 
mints  iv  state  enthrusted  to  his  hands  is  sure  to  be 
delivered  to  their  object,'  he  says,  '  or,'  he  says,  '  th' 
heirs  iv  th'  object,'  he  says. 

"  '  But,'  says  th'  Sinit,  '  he  lost  an  ear  in  a  fight.' 

"  'A  boyish  error,'  says  th'  prisidint.  '  Th'  man 
threw  th'  knife  at  him,'  he  says. 

"  '  And  he  kilt  a  man,'  says  they. 

" '  Ye  do  him  an  injustice,'  says  th'  prisidint. 
'  Kilt  a  man,  says  3^e !  Kilt  a  man !  Such  is  fame. 
Why,'  he  says,  '  he's  kilt  more  men  thin  th'  Sinit 
has  repytations,'  he  says.  '  Ye  might  jus'  as  well  say 
me  frind  Sinitor  Bivridge  wanst  made  a  speech,  or 
that  Shakespere  wrote  a  play,  or  that  it's  a  fine  tooth 
I  have.  If  all  th'  people  Jake  has  kilt  wa^  alive 
to-day,  we'd  be  passin'  congisted  disthrict  ligislachion 
f'r  Aryzony.  Kilt  a  man  is  it?  I  give  ye  me  wunnd 
that  ye  can  hardly  find  wan  home  in  Aryzony,  fr'm 
th'  proudest  doby  story-an'-a-half  palace  iv  th'  rich 
to  th'  lowly  doby  wan-story  hut  iv  th'  poor,  that  this 
flagrant  pathrite  hasn't  deprived  iv  at  laste  wan 
omymint.  Didn't  I  tell  ye  he  is  a  killer?  I  didn't 
mane  a  man  that  on'y  wanst  in  a  while  takes  a  life. 
[98] 


Bad  Men  from  the  West 

He's  a  rale  killer.  He's  no  retailer.  He's  th'  Armour 
iv  that,  particular  line  iv  slaughter.  Ye  don't  sup- 
pose that  I'd  propose  f'r  to  enthrust  him  with  a  lofty 
constichoochinal  mission  if  he  on'y  kilt  wan  man.  Me 
notions  iv  th'  jooties  iv  public  office  is  far  higher  thin 
that,  I  thank  hivin.  Besides  in  th'  case  ye  speak  iv 
'twas  justifiable  homicide.  He  had  ast  th'  man  to 
dhrink  with  him.  No,  sir,  I  have  examined  his  record 
carefully  an'  I  find  him  fully  equipped  f'r  anny 
emergency.  He  niver  misses.  He's  th'  man  f'r  th' 
place,  th'  quick  dhrawin',  readily  passionate,  hammer- 
less  gun  firin'  Terror  iv  th'  Great  Desert.' 

"  But  th'  Sinit  didn't  approve  iv  him.  Th'  sin- 
itor  fr'm  Matsachoosetts,  where  human  life  is  held  so 
cheap  that  no  wan  tliinks  iv  takin'  it,  pro-tested 
again'  him,  an'  'twas  fin'lly  discovered  that  early  in 
his  career  he'd  been  caught  runnin'  off  a  bunch  iv 
cows  an'  pushed  into  jail,  an'  that  was  too  much  f'r 
th'  hon'rable  body,  hardly  wan  mimber  iv  which  has 
iver  been  caught.     So  they  give  Jake  th'  go-by. 

"  But  it'll  come  out  all  right  in  th'  end.  Th'  pris- 
idint  knows  what  th'  West  wants  an'  he  '11  get  it  f'r 
thim.  Th'  West  is  no  effete  community,  where  th' 
folks  likes  a  quiet  book-keepin'  life,  an  early  supper, 
a  game  iv  cards,  lock  th'  windy,  wind  th'  clock  an'  so 
to  bed.  That  may  do  f'r  th'  East.  But  in  th'  West, 
we  demand  Sthrenuse  Life  an'  Sudden  Death.  We're 
people  out  here  on  th'  des'late  plains  where  th'  sun 
sets  pink  acrost  th'  gray  desert  an'  th'  scorpion  cHngs 
to  th'  toe.  We  don't  want  pianny  tuners  or  plasther 
saints  to  govern  us.     We  want  men  who  go  to  bed 

[99] 


Observations  by  Mr,  Dooley 

with  their  spurs  on,  an'  can  break  a  gun  without 
spikin'  their  thumbs.  We'll  have  thim  too.  Undher 
precedin'  administhrations,  th'  job  wint  to  th'  la-ads 
with  no  more  qualifications  thin  is  needed  to  run  a 
dairy  lunch.  Some  iv  th'  bes'  places  in  th'  West  is 
held  be  th'  poorest  shots,  while  men  capable  iv  th' 
mos'  sthrikin'  gun  plays  is  left  to  devote  their  talents 
to  private  functions.  An'  they  call  that  th'  merit 
system!  I  expict  th'  time  is  near  at  hand  whin  jus- 
tice will  be  done  thim  worthy  citizens.  At  prisint 
whin  a  man  is  needed  f'r  a  govermint  office,  he  is  called 
on  to  set  down  with  a  sheet  of  pa-aper  an'  a  pot  iv 
ink  an'  say  how  manny  times  eight-an'-a-half  will  go 
into  a  line  dhrawn  fr'm  th'  base  iv  th'  hypothenoose, 
an'  if  he  makes  th'  answer  bright  an'  readable,  they 
give  him  a  place  administherin'  th'  affairs  iv  a  proud 
people  that  cudden't  tell  a  hypothenoose  fr'm  a  sea- 
lion.  But  whin  things  gets  goin'  right  undher  this 
administhration,  th'  civil  sarvice  commission  con- 
sistin'  iv  th'  Hon.  Bill  Cody,  th'  Hon.  Texas  Jack, 
an'  th'  Hon.  Bat  Masterson  will  put  th'  boys  through 
an  examination  that'll  bring  out  all  there  is  in  thim. 
I'm  preparin'  a  pa-aper  f'r  an  examination  iv  candy- 
dates  f'r  sup'rintindint  iv  th'  Smithsonyan  Insti- 
toot: 

"  1.  Describe  a  round-up. 

"  2.  Name  five  iv  th'  best  brands  (a)  cattle  (b) 
whiskey,  ye  have  used. 

"  3.  Afther  makin'  a  cinch,  is  it  proper  f'r  to  al- 
ways kick  th'  critter  in  th'  stomach  or  on'y  whin  ye 
feel  like  it.? 

[100] 


Bad  Men  frg:m  ifie  W^st 

"4.  Undher  what  circu^ista^<;es:^l:lU(t'a',  ije^jdc^n 
not  be  shot,  and  if  so,  why  ? 

"  5.  How  long  shud  a  tinderfoot  dance  befure  he 
is  entitled  to  live? 

"  6.  Name  eighty  reasons  f'r  dhrawin'  a  gun. 

"  7.  State  ye'er  opinyion  iv  sheep  men. 

"  8.  Write  a  brief  account  iv  th'  life  an'  death  iv 
Billy  th'  Kid. 

"  Iv  coorse,  Hinnissy,  this  is  on'y  a  part  iv  th'  ex- 
ercise. They'll  be  practical  tests  as  well.  Th'  ilig- 
ible  list'll  be  taken  out  into  th'  yard  an'  required  to 
shoot  at  movin'  an'  stationary  targets,  at  pedesthreens 
an'  horsemen,  fr'm  th'  pocket,  fr'm  th'  hip,  over 
th'  shouldher,  fr'm  a  window  with  a  sawed-ofF  shot 
gun,  an'  so  on.  They'll  be  required  to  bust  a  buckin' 
bronc,  cut  out  a  steer  fr'm  th'  herd  without  stam- 
pedin'  th'  rest,  lassoo  movin'  objects  an'  give  other 
exhibitions  iv  science.  An'  th'  la-ad  that  wins  out'll 
have  to  defind  his  job  again'  all  comers  f'r  a  month. 

"  I  want  to  see  this  day.  We're  a  nation  iv  hayroes, 
an'  none  but  hayroes  shud  enjye  th'  spoil.  Thin  we'll 
read  that  th'  Hon.  Mike  McCorker  has  been  appinted 
Ambassadure  to  England :  '  Mike  is  wan  iv  th'  mos' 
detarmined  statesmen  between  Rapid  City  an'  Raw- 
lins. His  early  life  was  spint  in  seclusion,  owin'  to 
a  little  diff'rence  about  a  horse,  but  he  had  no  sooner 
appeared  in  public  life  thin  he  made  his  mark  on 
th'  marshal  iv  Red  Gulch.  He  applied  himsilf  to  his 
chosen  career  with  such  perseverance  an'  so  thrue  an 
aim  that  within  two  years  he  had  risen  to  th'  head 
iv  his  pro-fission,  a  position  that  he  has  since  held 
[101] 


''•''>•'    (X)'sehmiions,by  Mr,  Dooley 

Tiritkdnt ',ijii?triiptirJn.'"^xcipt  durin'  th'  peryod  whin 
th'  Hon.  Grindle  H.  Gash  shelled  him  f'r  three  days 
with  a  howitzer.  His  remarkable  night  attack  on 
that  gallant  but  sleepy  statesman  will  not  soon  be 
f'rgotten.  A  great  ovation  will  be  given  Bill  whin  he 
pulls  his  freight  f'r  th'  coort  iv  Saint  James.  Some 
iv  th'  boys  is  loadin'  up  f'r  it  already,  an'  near  all 
th'  Chinese  has  moved  into  th'  hills.  Ambassadure 
Gash  was  a  Rough  Rider  durin'  th'  late  Cubian  War. 

"  '  Th'  appintment  iv  Judge  Rufus  Flush  to  be 
Chief  Justice  iv  th'  United  States  Supreeme  Coort  is 
hailed  with  delight  be  all  citizens  iv  New  Mexico. 
Judge  Flush  is  th'  recognized  authority  on  gun  shot 
wounds  an'  lynch  law  in  th'  Southwest,  besides 
bein'  in  private  life  a  pretty  handy  man  with  knife 
or  gun  himsilf.  He  was  wan  iv  th'  first  men  up  San 
Joon  Hill  on  th'  mim'rable  day. 

"  '  Th'  sicrety  iv  state  was  visited  yisterdah  be 
throop  B  iv  th'  Rough  Riders,  includin'  th'  sicrety  iv 
th'  threesury,  th'  postmasther  gin'ral,  nine  disthrick 
judges,  forty  postmasthers,  an'  wan  hundherd  an' 
eight  coUictors  iv  intarnal  rivinoo.  Th'  conversation 
was  informal,  but  it  is  undhershtud  that  th'  advis- 
ability iv  an  excursion  to  Boston  to  shoot  up  th'  anti- 
impeeryalist  saloons  was  discussed.  Th'  prisidint 
dhropped  in  durin'  th'  conference  an'  greeted  all 
prisint  be  their  first  name,  which  is  Bill.  There  was 
some  good-natured  chaff  as  to  which  iv  th'  gintlemen 
was  first  at  th'  top  iv  San  Joon  Hill  befure  th'  meetin' 
broke  up.  Th'  postmasther  gin'ral  is  sufFerin'  fr'm 
a  slight  knife  wound.'  " 

[  102  ] 


Bad  3Ien  from  the  West 

"  Ar-re  all  th'  people  West  iv  th'  park  shootin' 
men  ?  "  asked  Mr.  Hennessy  timidly. 

"  I  think  so,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "  but  a  man  that's 
been  out  there  tells  me  not.  He  says  annywan  but 
an  Englishman  cud  go  fr'm  wan  end  iv  th'  West  to 
th'  other  without  carryin'  a  gun,  an'  that  people  that 
kill  each  other  are  not  considhered  rayspictable  in 
Tucson  anny  more  thin  they  wud  be  in  Eysther  Bay, 
but  that  they  are  mostly  dhrunk  men  an'  th'  like  iv 
that.  Th'  towns,  he  says,  is  run  be  fellows  that  sell 
ribbons,  milk,  yeast,  spool  thread  an'  pills  an'  pull 
teeth  an'  argye  little  foolish  law  suits,  just  as  th' 
towns  down  here  are  run,  an'  th'  bad  men  are  more 
afraid  iv  thim  thin  they  are  iv  each  other.  He  says 
there  are  things  doin'  out  West  that  niver  get  into 
th'  dime  novels,  an'  that  whin  people  lose  their  lives 
they  do  it  more  often  in  a  saw  mill  or  a  smelter  thin 
in  a  dance  hall.    He  says  so  but  I  don't  believe  him." 

"  I  suppose,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy,  "  a  man  iv  me 
peaceable  disposition  wud  niver  get  a  job." 

"  Make  a  repytation,"  said  Mr.  Dooley.  "  Buy 
a  gun." 


[103] 


European  Intervention 


EUROPEAN    INTERVENTION 


^'^    ■    ^H'  question  befure  tli'  house  is,"  said  Mr. 

I        Dooley,    "  which    wan    iv    th'    Euro-peen 

JL      powers  done  mos'  f'r  us  in  th'  Spanish  war." 

"  I  thought  they  were  all  again'  us,"  said  Mr. 
Hennessy. 

"  So  did  I,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "  but  I  done  thim  an 
injustice.  I  was  crool  to  thim  crowned  heads.  If  it 
hadn't  been  f'r  some  wan  power,  an'  I  can't  make 
out  which  it  was,  th'  Cubians  to-day  wud  be  opprissed 
be  th'  Casteel  instead  iv  th'  Beet  Sugar  Thrust  an' 
th'  Filipinos'd  be  shot  be  Mausers  instead  iv  Krag- 
Jorgensens.  Some  wan  power  sthretched  out  its  hand 
an'  said,  '  No.  No,'  it  said,  '  thus  far  but  no  farther. 
We  will  not  permit  this  misguided  but  warrum- 
hearted  little  people  to  be  crushed  be  th'  ruffyan 
power  iv  Spain,'  it  said.  '  Niver,'  it  said,  *  shall  his- 
thry  record  that  th'  United  States  iv  America,  nestlin' 
there  in  its  cosy  raypublic  fr'm  th'  Atlantic  to  th' 
Passyfic,  was  desthroyed  an'  th'  hurtage  iv  liberty 
that  they  robbed  fr'm  us  wasted  because  we  did  not 
give  thim  support,'  it  says.  An'  so  whin  th'  future 
looked  darkest,  whin  we  didn't  know  whether  th'  war 
wud  last  eight  or  be  prolonged  f'r  tin  weary,  thragic 
minyits,  whin  it  seemed  as  though  th'  Spanish  fleet 
wud  not  sink  unless  shot  at,  some  kindly  power  was 
silently  comf ortin'  us  an'  sayin'  to  itsilf :  '  I  do  so 
[107] 


Observations  by  Mr,  Dooley 

hope  they'll  win,  if  they  can.'  But  I  don't  know  whicH 
wan  it  was. 

"  At  first  I  thought  it  was  England.  Whiniver  ye 
hear  iv  anny  counthry  helpin'  us,  ye  think  it  is  Eng- 
land. That's  because  England  has  helped  us  so  much 
in  th'  past.  Says  Lord  Cranbume  in  reply  to  a 
question  in  th'  House  iv  Commons :  '  I  am  reluctantly 
foorced  be  mesilf  to  blushin'ly  admit  that  but  f  r  us, 
people  on  their  way  to  China  to-day  wud  be  gettin' 
up  an'  lookin'  over  th'  side  iv  th'  ship  an'  sayin', 
"  This  is  where  America  used  to  be."  Whin  war  was 
first  discussed,  mesilf  an'  th'  rest  iv  th'  fam'ly  met 
an'  decided  that  unless  prompt  action  was  took,  our 
cousins  an'  invistmints  acrost  th'  sea  wud  be  damaged 
beyond  repair,  so  we  cabled  our  ambassadure  to  go  at 
v/anst  to  th'  White  House  an'  inform  th'  prisidint 
that  we  wud  regard  th'  war  as  a  crool  blot  on  civiliza- 
tion an'  an  offinse  to  th'  intillygince  iv  mankind.  I 
am  glad  to  say  our  inthervintion  was  ifFycacious. 
War  was  immeedjately  declared.  I  will  not  tell  ye 
how  high  our  hearts  beat  as  we  r-read  th'  news  fr'm 
day  to  day.  Ye  know.  I  will  on'y  say  that  we  in- 
sthructed  our  ambassadure  to  do  ivrything  in  his  power 
to  help  our  kinsmen  an'  he  faithfully  ixicuted  his 
ordhers.  He  practically  lived  at  th'  White  House 
durin'  th'  thryin'  peeryod,  an'  his  advice  to  th'  pris- 
idint such  as :  "  If  ye  go  on  with  this  binnyficint  war 
th'  United  Powers  will  knock  ye'er  head  off,"  or  "I 
think  I  can  secure  fav'rable  terms  fr'm  th'  Powers  if 
ye  will  abdicate  in  favor  iv  a  riprisintative  iv  th'  house 
iv  Bourbon  an'  cede  New  England  to  Spain,"  done 
[108] 


European  Intervention 

more  thin  annything  else  to  put  heart  into  th'  Amer- 
ican foorces.  I  will  add  that  durin'  this  time  we  was 
approached  be  an  ambassadure  iv  wan  iv  th'  powers 
who  ast  us  to  inthei-vene.  I  will  not  say  which  power 
it  was,  excipt  that  it  was  Austhrya-Hungary  an'  I'm 
previnted  be  th'  obligations  iv  me  office  fr'm  min- 
tionin'  what  powers  was  behind  th'  move  beyond  hint- 
in'  that  they  was  as  follows:  Germany,  France, 
Rooshya,  It'ly,  China,  Turkey,  Monaco,  San  Marino, 
Boolgahrya,  Montinaygro,  Booloochistan  an'  Per- 
shya.  Pah's  reply  to  th'  ambassadure  was :  "  I  will 
do  all  I  can  "  as  he  kicked  him  down  stairs.  It  ill 
becomes  me  to  say  what  else  we  done  f'r  that  home  iv 
freedom — an'  hiven  knows  I  wisht  it'd  stay  there  an' 
not  be  wandherin'  over  th'  face  iv  th'  wurruld — but 
I'm  not  proud  iv  me  looks  an'  I  will  remark  that  Tiddy 
Rosenfelt  was  capably  directed  be  th'  iditors  iv  Eng- 
land, thim  hearts  iv  oak,  that  th'  American  navy  was 
advised  be  our  mos'  inargetic  corryspondints  an' 
that,  to  make  th'  raysult  certain,  we  lint  a  few  British 
gin'rals  to  th'  Spanish.  Cud  frindship  go  farther? 
As  they  say  in  America :  "  I  reckon,  be  gosh,  not."  ' 

"  Well,  whin  I  read  this  speech  I  was  prepared 
to  hang  th'  medal  f'r  savin'  life  on  th'  breasts  iv  th' 
hands  acrost  th'  sea  where  there's  always  plinty  iv 
hooks  f'r  medals.  But  th'  nex'  day,  I  picks  up  th' 
pa-aper  an'  sees  that  'twas  not  England  done  it  but 
Germany.  Yes,  sir,  'twas  Germany  Germany  was 
our  on'y  frind.  They  was  a  time  whin  it  looked  as 
though  she  was  goin'  to  shoot  at  us  to  keep  us  fr'm 
th'  consequences  iv  our  rash  act.  They'se  nawthin' 
[109] 


Observations  by  3Ii\  Dooley 

Germany  wiidden't  do  for  or  to  a  frind.  Yes,  it 
was  Germany.  But  it  was  France,  too.  La  Belle 
France  was  there  with  a  wun'ud  iv  encouragemint 
an'  a  glance  iv  affection  out  iv  her  dark  eyes  that 
kep'  growin'  darker  as  th'  war  proceeded.  An'  it  was 
Rooshya.  Whin  th'  Czar  heerd  iv  th'  war,  th'  first 
thing  he  said  was :  '  I'm  so  sorry.  Who  is  th'  United 
States.^  '  An'  'twas  It'ly  an'  Booloochistan  an'  Bool- 
gahrya  an'  even  Spain.  Spain  was  our  frind  till  th' 
war  was  over.  Thin  she  rounded  on  us  an'  sold  us 
th'  Ph'lippines. 

"  They  was  all  our  frinds  an'  yet  on'y  wan  iv  thim 
was  our  frind.  How  d'ye  make  it  out,  Hinnissy.^ 
Hogan  has  a  sayin'  that  onaisy  lies  th'  head  that 
wears  a  crown,  but  it  seems  to  be  as  aisy  f'r  some  iv 
thim  as  f'r  th'  mos'  dimmycratic  American.  But 
whoiver  it  was  that  saved  us  I'm  thankful  to  thim.  It 
won't  do  f'r  ye  to  look  at  th'  map  an'  say  that  th' 
pow'rful  protictin'  nation  wud  be  hardly  big  enough 
f'r  a  watch  charm  f'r  a  man  fr'm  Texas,  or  that  Eu- 
ropeen  assistance  f'r  America  is  about  as  useful  as 
a  crutch  f'r  a  foot-runner.  But  f'r  th'  inthervention 
iv  our  unknown  frind,  we'd've  been  annihilated.  Th' 
powers  wud've  got  together  an'  they  wud've  sint  over 
a  fleet  that  wud've  been  turrble  if  it  didn't  blow  up 
an'  th'  crews  didn't  get  sea-sick.  They  wud've  sint 
an  irresistible  ar-rmy ;  an'  fin'ly  if  all  else  failed,  they 
wud  rayfuse  food.  That's  goin'  to  be  th'  unsixpicted 
blow  iv  anny  war  that  th'  parishes  iv  Europe  wages 
again'  us.  They  will  decline  to  eat.  They  will  turn 
back  our  wheat  an'  pork  an'  short  rib  sides.  They'll 
[110] 


European  Intervention 

starve  us  out.  If  left  to  their  OAvn  resoorces,  Europe 
cud  outstarve  America  in  a  month." 

"  I'm  not  afraid  iv  thim,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy, 
"  Whin  I  was  a  young  man,  I  cud  take  a  runnin' 
jump  acrost  Germany  or  France,  an'  as  f'r  England 
we'd  hardly  thrip  over  it  in  th'  dark." 

"  Perhaps  ye're  right,"  said  Mr.  Dooley.  "  But 
if  all  thim  gr-reat  powers,  as  they  say  thimsilves,  was 
f'r  to  attack  us,  d'ye  know  what  I'd  do?  I'll  tell  ye. 
I'd  blockade  Armour  an'  Comp'ny  an'  th'  wheat  ili- 
vators  iv  Minnysoty.  F'r,  Hinnissy,  I  tell  ye,  th'  hand 
that  rocks  th'  scales  in  th'  grocery  store,  is  th'  hand 
that  rules  th'  wurruld." 


[Ill] 


The  Philippine  Peace 


THE     PHILIPPINE     PEACE 


TIS  sthrange  we  don't  hear  much  talk  about 
th'  Ph'lippeens,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy. 
"  Ye  ought  to  go  to  Boston,"  said  Mr. 
Dooley.  "  They  talk  about  it  there  in  their  sleep. 
Th'  raison  it's  not  discussed  annywhere  else  is  that 
ivrything  is  perfectly  quiet  there.  We  don't  talk 
about  Ohio  or  loway  or  anny  iv  our  other  possissions 
because  they'se  nawthin'  doin'  in  thim  parts.  Th' 
people  ar-re  goin'  ahead,  gamerin'  th'  products  iv 
th'  sile,  sindin'  their  childher  to  school,  worshipin'  on 
Sundah  in  th'  churches  an'  thankin'  Hiven  f'r  th' 
blessin's  iv  free  govermint  an'  th'  pro-tiction  iv  th' 
flag  above  thim. 

"  So  it  is  in  th'  Ph'lippeens.  I  know,  f'r  me  frind 
Gov'nor  Taft  says  so,  an'  they'se  a  man  that  undher- 
stands  con-tintmint  whin  he  sees  it.  Ye  can't  thrust  th' 
fellows  that  comes  back  fr'm  th'  jools  iv  th'  Passyfic 
an'  tells  ye  that  things  ar-re  no  betther  thin  they  shud 
be  undher  th'  shade  iv  th'  cocoanut  palm  be  th'  blue 
wathers  iv  th'  still  lagoon.  They  mus'  be  satisfied 
with  our  rule.  A  man  that  isn't  satisfied  whin  he's 
had  enough  is  a  glutton.  They're  satisfied  an'  happy 
an'  slowly  but  surely  they're  acquirin'  that  love  f'r 
th'  govermint  that  floats  over  thim  that  will  make 
thim  good  citizens  without  a  vote  or  a  right  to  thrile 
be  j  ury .  I  know  it.  Guv'nor  Taft  says  so. 
[115] 


Observations  by  Mr,  Dooley 

"  Says  he :  '  Th'  Ph'lippeens  as  ye  have  been  to? 
be  me  young  but  speechful  frind,  Sinitor  Bivridge, 
who  was  down  there  f'r  tin  minyits  wanst  an'  spoke 
very  highly  an'  at  some  lenth  on  th'  beauties  iv  th' 
scenery,  th'  Ph'hppeens  is  wan  or  more  iv  th'  beauti- 
ful jools  in  th'  diadem  iv  our  fair  nation.  Formerly 
our  fair  nation  didn't  care  f'r  jools,  but  done  up 
her  hair  with  side  combs,  but  she's  been  abroad  some 
since  an'  she  come  back  with  beautiful  reddish  goolden 
hair  that  a  tiara  looks  well  in  an'  that  is  betther  f'r 
havin'  a  tiara.  She  is  not  as  young  as  she  was.  Th' 
simple  home-lovin'  maiden  that  our  fathers  knew  has 
disappeared  an'  in  her  place  we  find  a  Columbya, 
gintlemen,  with  machurer  charms,  a  knowledge  iv 
Euro-peen  customs  an'  not  averse  to  a  cigareet.  So 
we  have  pinned  in  her  fair  hair  a  diadem  that  sets 
off  her  beauty  to  advantage  an'  holds  on  th'  front  iv 
th'  hair,  an'  th'  mos'  lovely  pearl  in  this  orny- 
mint  is  thim  sunny  little  isles  iv  th'  Passyfic.  They 
are  almost  too  sunny  f'r  me.  I  had  to  come 
away. 

"  '  To  shift  me  language  suddintly  fr'm  th'  joolry 
counther  an'  th'  boodore,  I  will  say  that  nawthin' 
that  has  been  said  even  be  th'  gifted  an'  scholarly 
sinitor,  who  so  worthily  fills  part  iv  th'  place  wanst 
crowded  be  Hendricks  an'  McDonald,  does  justice  to 
th'  richness  iv  thim  islands.  They  raise  unknown 
quantities  iv  produce,  none  iv  which  forchnitly  can 
come  into  this  counthry.  All  th'  riches  iv  Cathay, 
all  th'  wealth  iv  Ind,  as  Hogan  says,  wud  look  like 
a  second  morgedge  on  an  Apache  wickeyup  compared 
[116] 


The  Philippine  Peace 

with  th'  untold  an'  almost  unmintionable  products  iv 
that  gloryous  domain.  Me  business  kept  me  in 
Manila  or  I  wud  tell  ye  what  they  are.  Besides  some 
iv  our  lile  subjects  is  gettin'  to  be  good  shots  an' 
I  didn't  go  down  there  f'r  that  purpose. 

"  '  I  turn  to  th'  climate.  It  is  simply  hivenly.  No 
other  wurrud  describes  it.  A  white  man  who  goes 
there  seldom  raytums  unless  th'  bereaved  fam'ly  in- 
sists. It  is  jus'  right.  In  winter  enough  rain,  in 
summer  plinty  iv  heat.  Gin'rally  speakin'  whin  that 
thropical  sky  starts  rainin'  it  doesn't  stop  till  it's 
impty,  so  th'  counthry  is  not  subjected  to  th'  sudden 
changes  that  afflict  more  northerly  climes.  Whin  it 
rains  it  rains;  whin  it  shines  it  shines.  Th'  wather 
frequently  remains  in  th'  air  afther  th'  sun  has  been 
shinin'  a  month  or  more,  th'  earth  bein'  a  little  over- 
crowded with  juice  an'  this  gives  th'  atmosphere 
a  certain  cosiness  that  is  indescribable.  A  light 
green  mould  grows  on  th'  clothes  an'  is  very  becomin'. 
I  met  a  man  on  th'  boat  comin'  back  who  said  'twas 
th'  finest  winter  climate  in  th'  wurruld.  He  was  be 
profission  a  rubber  in  a  Turkish  bath.  As  f'r  th'  sum- 
mers they  are  delicious.  Th'  sun  doesn't  sit  aloft 
above  th'  jools  iv  th'  Passyfic.  It  comes  down  an' 
mingles  with  th'  people.  Ye  have  heard  it  said  th' 
isles  was  kissed  be  th'  sun.  Perhaps  bitten  wud  be 
a  betther  wurrud.  But  th'  timprachoor  is  frequently 
modified  be  an  eruption  iv  th'  neighborin'  volcanoes 
an'  th'  inthraduction  iv  American  stoves.  At  night 
a  coolin'  breeze  fr'm  th'  crather  iv  a  volcano  makes 
sleep  possible  in  a  hammock  swung  in  th'  ice-box.  It 
[117] 


Observations  by  Mr,  Dooley 

is  also  very  pleasant  to  be  able  to  cuk  wan's  dinner 
within  wan. 

"  '  Passin'  to  th'  pollytical  situation,  I  will  say  it 
is  good.  Not  perhaps  as  good  as  ye'ers  or  mine,  but 
good.  Ivry  wanst  in  a  while  whin  I  tliink  iv  it,  an 
iliction  is  held.  Unforchnitly  it  usually  happens 
that  those  ilicted  have  not  yet  surrindhered.  In  th' 
Ph'lippeens  th'  office  seeks  th'  man,  but  as  he  is  also 
pursooed  be  th'  sojery,  it  is  not  always  aisy  to  catch 
him  an'  fit  it  on  him.  Th'  counthry  may  be  divided 
into  two  parts,  pollytically, — where  th'  insurrection 
continues  an'  where  it  will  soon  be.  Th'  brave  but 
I  fear  not  altogether  cheery  army  conthrols  th'  in- 
surrected  parts  be  martiyal  law,  but  th'  civil  author- 
ities are  supreme  in  their  own  house.  Th'  diff'rence 
between  civil  law  an'  martiyal  law  in  th'  Ph'lippeens 
is  what  kind  iv  coat  th'  judge  wears.  Th'  raysult  is 
much  th'  same.  Th'  two  branches  wurruks  in  perfect 
harmony.  We  bag  thim  in  th'  city  an'  they  round 
thim  up  in  th'  counthry. 

" '  It  is  not  always  nicessry  to  kill  a  Filipino 
American  right  away.  Me  desire  is  to  idjacate  thim 
slowly  in  th'  ways  an'  customs  iv  th'  counthry.  We 
ar-re  givin'  hundherds  iv  these  pore  benighted  hay- 
then  th'  well-known,  ol'-fashioned  American  wather 
cure.  Iv  coorse,  ye  know  how  'tis  done.  A  Filipino, 
we'll  say,  niver  heerd  iv  th'  histhry  iv  this  counthry. 
He  is  met  be  wan  iv  our  sturdy  boys  in  black  an'  blue 
iv  th'  Macabebee  scouts  who  asts  him  to  cheer  f 'r  Abra- 
ham Lincoln.  He  rayfuses.  He  is  thin  placed  upon 
th'  grass  an'  given  a  dhrink,  a  baynit  bein'  fixed  in 
[118] 


The  PhiUppine  Peace 

his  mout'h  so  he  cannot  rejict  th'  hospitality.  Undher 
th'  inflooence  iv  th'  hose  that  cheers  but  does  not 
inebriate,  he  soon  warrums  or  perhaps  I  might  say 
swells  up  to  a  ralization  iv  th'  granjoor  iv  his  adoptive 
counthry.  One  gallon  makes  him  give  three  groans 
f'r  th'  constitchoochion.  At  four  gallons,  he  will 
ask  to  be  wrapped  in  th'  flag.  At  th'  dew  pint  he 
sings  Yankee  Doodle.  Occasionally  we  run  acrost 
a  stubborn  an'  rebellyous  man  who  wud  sthrain  at 
me  idee  iv  human  rights  an'  swallow  th'  Passyfic 
Ocean,  but  I  mus'  say  mos'  iv  these  little  fellows  is 
less  hollow  in  their  pretintions.  Nachrally  we  have 
had  to  take  a  good  manny  customs  fr'm  th'  Span- 
yard,  but  we  have  improved  on  thim.  I  was  talkin' 
with  a  Spanish  gintleman  th'  other  day  who  had 
been  away  f'r  a  long  time  an'  he  said  he  wudden't 
know  th'  counthry.  Even  th'  faces  iv  th'  people  on 
th'  sthreets  had  changed.  They  seemed  glad  to  see 
him.  Among  th'  mos'  useful  Spanish  customs  is 
reconcenthration.  Our  reconcenthration  camps  is 
among  th'  mos'  thickly  popylated  in  th'  wurruld. 
But  still  we  have  to  rely  mainly  on  American  methods. 
They  are  always  used  fin'lly  in  th'  makin'  iv  a  good 
citizen,  th'  garotte  sildom. 

"  '  I  have  not  considhered  it  advisable  to  inthra- 
jooce  aniay  fads  like  thrile  be  jury  iv  ye'er  peers  into 
me  administhration.  Plain  sthraight- forward  deal- 
in's  is  me  motto.  A  Filipino  at  his  best  has  on'y 
larned  half  th'  jooty  iv  mankind.  He  can  be  thried 
but  he  can't  thry  his  fellow  man.  It  takes  him  too 
long.  But  in  time  I  hope  to  have  thim  thrained  to 
[119] 


Observations  hy  Mr,  Dooley 

a  pint  where  they  can  be  good  men  an'  thrue  at  th' 
inquest. 

"  *  I  hope  I  have  toP  ye  enough  to  show  ye  that 
th'  stories  iv  disordher  is  greatly  exaggerated.  Th' 
counthry  is  pro-gressin'  spHndidly,  th'  ocean  still 
laps  th'  shore,  th'  mountains  are  there  as  they  were 
in  Bivridge's  day,  quite  happy  apparently ;  th'  flag 
floats  free  an'  well  guarded  over  th'  govermint 
offices,  an'  th'  cherry  people  go  an'  come  on  their 
errands — go  out  alone  an'  come  back  wdth  th' 
throops.  Ivrywhere  happiness,  contint,  love  iv  th' 
shtep-mother  counthry,  excipt  in  places  where  there 
ar-re  people.     Gintlemen,  I  thank  ye.' 

"  An'  there  ye  ar-re,  Hinnissy.  I  hope  this  here 
lucid  story  will  quite  th'  waggin'  tongues  iv  scandal 
an'  that  people  will  let  th'  Ph'lippeens  stew  in  their 
own  happiness." 

"  But  sure  they  might  do  something  f'r  thim," 
said  Mr.  Hennessy. 

"They  will,"  said  Mr.  Dooley.  "  They'U  give 
thim  a  measure  iv  freedom." 

"But  whin.?" 

"  Whin  they'll  sthand  still  long  enough  to  be  meas- 
ured," said  Mr.  Dooley. 


[120] 


Soldier  and  Policeman 


SOLDIER    AND    POLICEMAN 


nr 


H'  life  iv  a  sojer  though  glory ous  is  hard," 
H  said  Mr.  Dooley.  "  Here's  me  frind, 
"^^  Gin'ral  Fustian,  wan  iv  th'  gallantest  men 
that  has  come  out  iv  Kansas  since  Stormy  Jordan's 
day,  has  been  called  down  f'r  on'y  suggistin'  that 
Sinitor  Hoar  an'  th'  rest  iv  thim  be  hanged  be  th' 
heels.  I'm  with  th'  gallant  gin'ral  mesilf.  I'm  not 
sure  but  he'd  like  to  hang  me,  though  as  ye  know, 
me  opinyions  on  th'  Ph'lippeens  is  varyous  an'  I  don't 
give  a  dam  ayether  way.  If  he  runs  me  to  earth  I 
on'y  ast  him  as  a  fellow  pathrite  that  he  won't  give 
me  th'  wather  cure.  Th'  very  thought  iv  it  makes  me 
flesh  creep. 

"  But  th'  prisidint  called  him  down.  Afther  th' 
publication  iv  th'  fifteenth  speech  whin  ivry  colledge 
pro-fissor  in  this  broad  an'  fair  land  was  undher  sin- 
tince  iv  death  fr'm  th'  gin'ral,  th'  prisidint  wrote  to 
him  sayin' :  '  Dear  Fred :  Me  attintion  has  been  called 
to  ye'er  pathriotic  utthrances  in  favor  iv  fryin'  Ed- 
ward Atkinson  on  his  own  cuk  shtove.  I  am  in- 
formed be  me  advisers  that  it  can't  be  done.  It  won't 
fry  beans.  So  I  am  compilled  be  th'  reg'lations  iv 
war  to  give  ye  a  good  slap.  How  ar-re  ye,  ol'  com- 
merade-in-arms  .f*  Ye  ought  to  've  seen  me  on  th' 
top  iv  San  Joon  hill.  Oh,  that  was  th'  day !  Iver,  me 
dear  Fred,  reprovingly  but  lovingly,  T.  Rosenfelt, 
[  123  ] 


Observations  by  Mr,  Dooley 

late  colonel  First  United  States  Volunteers  Calv'ry, 
betther  known  as  th'  Rough  Riders,  an'  ex-officio  pris- 
idint  iv  th'  United  States.'  That  was  wan  f'r  Fred. 
I  wisht  th'  same  cud  be  handed  to  Gin'ral  Miles.  Ivry 
time  he  opins  his  mouth,  if  'tis  on'y  to  say  'tis  a  fine 
day — which  I  must  say  is  seldom — all  they  do  to  him 
is  to  break  his  back. 

"  'Tis  a  hard  life,  a  sojer's,  but  a  gloryous  wan.  I 
wisht  me  father  had  enthered  me  f  r  a  martial  career 
instead  iv  tachin'  me  be  precipt  an'  example  to  be 
quick  on  me  feet.  In  these  days  whin  a  man  gets  to 
be  a  gin'ral  because  he's  been  a  long  time  a  doctor 
or  because  he's  supprissed  a  naygur  rite,  'tis  me  that 
wud  go  boundin'  up  to  th'  top  iv  th'  laddher. 

"  '  Janooary  wan.  Private  Dooley  distinguished 
himsilf  at  th'  Battle  iv  Ogoowan  in  th'  island  iv  Sa- 
mar  be  rushin'  out  in  a  perfect  hell  iv  putty -balls, 
rice,  arrers,  an'  harsh  cries,  an'  seizin'  th'  gin'ral  iv 
th'  Tamalese  an'  batin'  him  over  th'  head  with  his  own 
bean-blower. 

"  '  Janooary  twinty :  Colonel  Dooley  iv  th'  hun- 
derth  an'  eighth  Macabebee  scouts  yisterdah  admin- 
isthered  th'  best  an'  muddyest  part  iv  th'  Gingong 
river  to  Gin'ral  Alfico  Bim  in  th'  prisince  iv  a  large 
an'  smilin'  audjeence.  Th'  ribil  had  raj^fused  to  com- 
municate his  plans  to  th'  gallant  colonel,  but  afther 
he  had  had  sufficient  irrigation  his  conversation  was 
more  extinded.     So  was  th'  gin'ral. 

"  '  Feb'ry  eighth :  Gin'ral  Dooley,  th'  hayro  iv  th' 
Ph'lippeens  who  is  at  home  with  a  large  spleen  which 
he  got  into  him  in  our  beautiful  island  possissions  made 
[124] 


Soldier  and  Policeman 

a  speech  before  th'  Locoed  club  las'  night.  He  said 
we  shud  niver  give  up  th'  Ph'lippeens  which  had  been 
wathered  be  some  iv  th'  best  blood  in  our  land — he 
might  say  all.  He  didn't  know  much  about  th'  con- 
stichoochion,  but  fr'm  what  he  heerd  about  it  fr'm  a 
man  in  his  rig'mint  who  cud  spell,  it  wasn't  intinded 
f'r  use  out  iv  coort.  He  thought  no  wan  shud  be 
ilicted  to  congress  undher  th'  rank  iv  major.  There 
was  much  talk  iv  pro-gress  in  lithrachoor  an'  science 
which  he  was  in  favor  iv  hangin'.  All  th'  army 
needed  was  rope  enough  an'  all  wud  be  well.  Th' 
Supreme  Coort  was  all  right  but  if  ye  wanted  justice 
hot  out  iv  th'  oven,  ye  shud  see  it  administhered  be 
three  or  four  laughin'  sub-altums  on  th'  stumps  iv 
threes,  jus'  afther  lunch. 

"  '  March  eighth :  Prisidint  Dooley,  chafin'  at  th' 
delay  in  th'  Sinit  requirin'  all  civilyans  to  submit 
their  opinyons  on  th'  tariff  to  th'  neighborin'  ray- 
cruitin'  sergeant  wanst  a  week,  wint  over  to  th'  cap- 
itol  this  mornin'  with  a  file  iv  sojers  an'  arristed 
th'  anti-administhration  foorces  who  are  now  locked 
up  in  th'  barn  back  iv  th'  White  House.  Th'  pris- 
idint was  severely  lacerated  be  Sinitor  Tillman  durin' 
th'  encounther.' 

"  Yes,  sir,  I'd  like  to  be  a  sojer.  I  want  to  be  a 
military  man.  An'  yet  I  niver  wanted  to  be  a  polis- 
man.  'Tis  sthrange,  too,  f'r  if  ye  think  it  over  they 
ain't  th'  lot  iv  diff'rence  between  th'  mos'  ordhinry, 
flat-footed  elbow  that  iver  pulled  wan  leg  afther  an- 
other to  mornin'  roll-call  an'  th'  gr-reatest  gin'ral 
that  iver  wint  through  a  war  behind  a  band  on  a 
[125] 


Observations  by  Mr,  Dooley 

horse.  They  both  belong  to  th'  race  iv  round-headed 
men.  Whin  ye  lenthen  th'  head  iv  a  man  or  dog,  ye 
rayjooce  his  courage.  That's  thrue  iv  all  but  th' 
bull-taiTyer  an'  th'  Turk.  Both  iv  thim  fight  like 
th'  divvle.  Th'  jooties  is  much  th'  same  but  th'  polis- 
man's  is  harder.  Th'  polisman  has  to  fight  night  an' 
day  but  th'  sojer  on'y  wanst  a  month.  A  man's  got 
to  be  five  foot  nine  to  get  on  th'  foorce.  He  can  be 
five  foot  eight  an'  get  into  th'  army  through  West 
Pint,  or  three  foot  two  an'  get  in  through  th'  War 
Department.  Didn't  Mike  Gilligan  take  more 
chances  whin  he  wint  up  to  th'  patch  where  Red 
Starkey  was  holdin'  th'  fort  with  a  Krupp  gun  an' 
took  him  be  th'  hand  an'  pivoted  with  him  out  iv  a 
window,  thin  me  frind  Fearless  Freddy  win  he  as- 
sumed false  whiskers,  pretinded  to  be  a  naygur  an' 
stole  little  Aggynaldoo  out  iv  his  flat.?  Ye  wudden't 
expict  a  pathrolman  to  be  promoted  to  be  sergeant 
f'r  kidnapin'  an  organ-grinder,  wud  ye.?  An'  Gilli- 
gan didn't  ask  f'r  lave  iv  absence  an'  go  down  town 
to  th'  Union  Lague  Club  an'  tell  th'  assembled  man- 
nyfactherers  iv  axle-grease  what  ought  to  be  done 
with  th'  wather  taxes.  No,  sir!  What  happened 
to  Gilligan  was  at  roll-call  th'  nex'  momin'  th'  Loot 
says :  '  Officer  Gilligan,  in  capturin'  Starkey,  3^e  re- 
flicted  gr-reat  credit  on  this  precinct  an'  ye'er  own 
bringin'  up.  But  I  want  ye  to  know,  officer,  that 
this  important  arrist  is  no  excuse  f'r  ye  goin'  out  an' 
loadin'  ye'ersilf  to  th'  joo-pint  with  Hannigan's 
paint.  Th'  nex'  time  ye  miss  pullin'  ye'er  box,  I'll 
have  ye  up  befure  th'  thrile  boord.  Put  that  in  ye'er 
[126] 


Soldier  and  Policeman 

pipe  an'  smoke  it,  Mike  Gilligan.'  An'  Gilligan 
blushed. 

"  No,  sir,  between  th'  two,  th'  polisman's  life's  tb' 
bard  wan.  He  can't  rethreat  f'r  reinfoorcemints  or 
surrindher  with  all  th'  honors  iv  war.  If  he  surrin- 
dbers,  he's  kilt  an'  if  he  rethreats,  his  buttons  comes 
off.  He  gets  no  soord  f r'm  Congress  whin  he  brings  in 
Starkey  be  th'  burnin'  hair  iv  his  head.  If  he's  pro- 
moted to  sergeant,  he's  sure  to  be  bounced  be  th'  first 
rayform  administhration.  He  takes  his  ordhers,  car- 
ries his  stick  iv  timber  up  hill  an'  down  dale  undher 
th'  gleamin'  stars,  has  nawthin'  to  say  but  '  Move 
on  there,  now,'  an'  if  his  foot  slips  another  round- 
headed  man  pushes  him  into  a  cell  an'  a  impartyal 
jury  iv  men  that's  had  throuble  with  th'  polis  befure 
convicts  him  heartily. 

"  Now,  suppose  Gilligan's  father  whin  he  was 
young  had  looked  him  over  an'  said :  '  Agathy, 
Michael's  head  is  per-fictly  round.  It's  like  a  base- 
ball. 'Tis  so  pecoolyar.  An'  he  has  a  fightin'  face. 
'Tis  no  good  thryin'  to  tache  him  a  thrade.  Let's 
make  a  sojer  iv  him.'  An'  he  wint  into  th'  army.  If 
he'd  done  there  what  he's  done  in  th'  patch,  'tis  Gin- 
'ral  Gilligan  he'd  be  be  this  time — Gin'ral  Gilligan 
stormin'  th'  heights  iv  San  Joon  Hill;  Gin'ral  Mike 
Gilligan  suspindin'  th'  haveas  corpus  in  th'  Ph'lip- 
peens  an'  th'  anti-impeeryalists  at  home;  Gin'ral 
Mike  Gilligan  capturin'  Aggynaldoo,  an'  he'd  do  it 
with  bare  hands  an'  without  th'  aid  iv  a  mustache; 
Gin'ral  Mike  Gilligan  abolishin'  th'  third  reader; 
Gin'ral  Mike  Gilligan  discoorsin'  to  th'  public  on 
[127] 


Observations  by  Mr,  Dooley 

*  Books  I  have  niver  read :  Series  wan,  th'  Histhry  iv 
th'  United  States.'  If  his  foot  slips  an'  he  grows 
a  little  cross  with  a  pris'ner  iv  war  on  th'  way  to  th' 
station  an'  dhrops  his  soord  or  his  club  on  th'  top 
iv  him,  is  he  up  befure  th'  judge  an'  thried  be  a  jury 
iv  his  peers?  Officer  Mike,  yes;  Gin'ral  Mike,  no. 
Gin'ral  Mike  has  no  peers.  He  raceives  a  letther 
notifyin'  him  that  he  has  broken  a  human  skull  divine 
an'  th'  reg'lations  iv  th'  army  an'  must  be  thried. 
'  Who  will  me  brave  frind  have  go  through  with  this 
here  austere  but  hail-fellow  inquiry  ?  '  '  Oh,  anny- 
wan  will  do.  Anny  iv  th'  gallant  lift'nants  iv  me 
brigade  will  do,'  saj^s  Gin'ral  Mike.  So  th'  Gin'ral  is 
put  on  thrile  an'  a  frind  iv  his  addhresses  th'  coort. 
'  Gintlemen,'  says  he,  '  th'  question  befure  th'  coort 
is  not  so  much  did  our  gallant  leader  hammer  th'  coon 
as  whether  our  flag  wanst  stuck  up  where  we  have 
wathered  so  many  precious  citizens  shall  iver  come 
down.  (Th'  coort:  'No,  no!')  That's  th'  pint. 
What  do  th'  people  at  home  who  know  nawthin'  about 
this  here  war,  excipt  what  we  tell  thim,  what  do  they 
mane  be  subjectin'  this  here  hayro,  gray  an'  bent 
with  infirmities  but  pretty  spry  at  that,  to  this 
ignominy.?  He  has  fought  f'r  thim  an'  what  have 
they  done  f'r  him.'*  In  more  thin  wan  year  he  has 
on'y  risen  fr'm  th'  rank  iv  captain  to  brigadier  gin- 
'ral an'  his  pay  is  less  thin  twinty  times  what  it  was. 
(Here  th'  coort  weeps.)  I  ast  ye,  I  ast  ye,  ye  fine 
little  boys,  is  it  meet  an'  proper,  nay,  is  it  meat  an' 
dhrink  f'r  us,  to  punish  him  ? ' 

"  An'  th'  coort  puts  th'  vardict  iv  acquittal  in  th' 
[128] 


Soldier  and  Policeman 

shape  IV  th'  pop'lar  song  '  F'r  he's  a  jolly  good  fel- 
low '  an'  adds  a  ricommindation  that  Harvard  col- 
ledge  is  gettin'  too  gay  annyhow. 

"  That's  th'  difF'rence  between  sojer  an'  polisman. 
Why  is  it  that  th'  fair  sect  wudden't  be  seen  talkin' 
to  a  polisman,  but  if  ye  say  '  Sojer '  to  thim,  they're 
all  out  iv  th'  window  but  th'  feet  ?     I  want  to  know." 

"  I  can't  tell,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy.  "  I  heerd  a 
frind  iv  Willum  J.  Bryan  say  we  was  in  danger  iv 
havin'  thim  run  th'  counthry  like  they  do  in — in  Ger- 
many, d'ye  mind." 

"  Niver  fear,"  said  Mr.  Dooley.  "  There's  too 
manny  Gilligans  not  in  th'  ar-rmy  fr  that." 


[1£9] 


King  Edward's  Coronation 


KING     EDWARD'S     CORONATION 

**  1^  X  OW  that  th'  king  iv  Great  Britain  an'  Ire- 
^^    land,  but  Ireland  don't  know  it,  an'  th' 

-^  ^  Dominyons  beyond  th'  sea,  f'r  awhile, 
has  been  cawrnated,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "  we  can  ray- 
sume  where  we  left  off." 

"  So  it  has  been  done  at  last,  has  it.?"  said  Mr. 
Hennessy. 

"  Yes,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "  in  th'  prisince  iv  th' 
mos'  illusthrees  iv  his  subjects,  except  me  frind  White- 
law  Reid,  he  was  cawrnated  las'  Saturdah.  'Tis  too 
bad  it  was  put  off.  'Twas  got  up,  d'ye  mind,  f'r 
th'  thrue  an'  staunch  subjects  on  this  side  iv  th' 
wather.  Th'  king  didn't  need  it.  He's  been  king 
all  th'  time.  A  lot  iv  us  knew  it.  All  he  had  to 
do  anny  time  was  to  take  his  caubeen  fr'm  th' 
rack,  but  his  subjects  fr'm  beyond  th'  sea  wanted 
to  see  a  cawrnation,  an'  they  cudden't  convaniently 
have  wan  here  where  th'  counthry  is  still  run  be  uni- 
varsal  suffering  an'  there  are  a  good  manny  shootin' 
gall'ries,  an'  annyhow  he  thought  he'd  like  to 
keep  on  good  terms  with  th'  Captains  iv  Industhry 
f'r  fear  they  might  get  mad  an'  put  his  furniture 
out  into  th'  channel  an'  use  th'  island  Tr  storin'  ex- 
prisidints.  So  he  got  up  th'  cawrnation.  An'  afther 
all,  most  iv  thim  didn't  see  it.  They  had  to  come 
home  here  where  they  were  born  an'  lave  th'  land 
[133] 


Observations  by  Mr,  JDooley 

where  they  expict  to  die  an'  will,  too,  if  they  an'  us 
have  luck. 

"  But  'twas  a  gorgyous  spicticle  annyhow,  Hin- 
nissy.  F'r  weeks  an'  weeks  some  iv  th'  finest  minds 
in  Europe  has  been  debatin'  whether  th'  king  shud 
stand  on  th'  Earl  iv  Whinkie  or  th'  markess  iv  Bally- 
hoo durin'  th'  ceremony.  It  was  decided  that  th' 
honor  shud  go  to  th'  noble  earl,  but  that  it  was  th' 
privilege  iv  th'  noble  markess  that  his  majesty  shud 
put  his  feet  on  his  back  whin  he  set  down.  Th'  king 
ain't  supposed  to  do  annything  f'r  himsilf  but  go  up 
an'  be  cawmated.  At  ivry  turn  they  must  be  a  jook 
or  somebody  akelly  as  good  to  pull  his  tie  sthraight, 
hand  him  his  gloves,  an'  haul  his  coat  down  whin 
it  gets  up  over  th'  collar.  An'  ivrybody  cudden't  do 
it,  mind  ye.  It  had  to  be  done  be  th'  right  party, 
whose  folks  had  done  it  f'r  other  kings.  I've  been 
readin'  about  it  an'  I've  come  to  th'  con-elusion,  Hin- 
nissy,  that  th'  Scotch  nobihty  is  mos'ly  dayscinded 
fr'm  tailors. 

"  Annyhow,  these  here  mighty  questions  w^as  all 
decided  accoordin'  to  th'  rules  iv  th'  game,  whin  wan 
day  I  read  in  th'  pa-aper : '  Th'  king  dines  wdth  Wall 
sthreet  magnates.  Jools  missin'  fr'm  th'  crown.' 
Ye  see,  th'  hat  had  not  been  out  f'r  a  long  time 
an'  whin  they  come  to  get  it  fr'm  th'  box,  'twas  found 
that  manny  iv  th'  vallyable  gems  in  th'  band  was 
missin'.  I  don't  know  whether  'tis  thrue  or  not,  but 
'tis  said  that  th'  ancesthors  iv  th'  prisint  king,  bein' 
hard  up,  was  used  to  pick  a  jool  out  iv  th'  hat  iv 
a  Saturdah  night  an'  go  down  to  Mose  at  th'  corner 
[134] 


King  Edward's  Coronation 

an'  get  something  on  it.  An'  whin  times  was  slack 
an'  th'  ponies  backward,  they  cudden't  get  th'  jools 
out,  so  they  cut  a  piece  fr'm  th'  window  an'  pasted  it 
in.  It  looked  f'r  awhile  as  though  th'  king  wud 
have  to  be  ca^vTnated  be  a  glazier.  They  cudden't 
find  th'  tickets  high  or  low.  It  wudden't  do  to  cawr- 
nate  him  in  a  glass  hat,  an'  there  was  gr-reat  thriby- 
lations,  but  Pierpont  Morgan  come  along  at  th'  right 
moment  an'  give  thim  a  handful  iv  his  unimportant 
jools  an'  th'  hat  was  properly  decorated.  Fr'm  that 
time  on  we  saw  that  if  we  were  to  get  th'  worth  iv 
our  money,  we'd  have  to  do  th'  job  oursilves,  an' 
ivrybody  turned  in  to  help  our  depindant  cousins. 
Andhrew  Carnaygie  lint  Wistminsther  Abbey  which 
was  superbly  dicorated  with  tapestries  lint  be  J. 
Pierpont  Morgan;  Yerkes  lint  thim  th'  sthreets; 
Frohman  th'  theatres;  th'  American  syndicate  give 
thim  th'  use  iv  th'  river,  an'  a  hundherd  thousand  lile 
American  hearts  an'  lungs  lint  thim  a  pathriotic  howl 
that  made  th'  king  jump  ivry  time  he  heerd  it. 

"  An'  th'  American  duchesses !  Were  they  there .? 
Look  in  th'  pa-apers.  I  sometimes  wondher  whin  I 
read  th'  palajeems  iv  our  liberties  whether  an  English 
nobleman  iver  marries  at  home.  Is  it  a  law  that  pre- 
vints  thim  fr'm  marryin'  thim  fresh-faced,  clear-eyed 
daughters  iv  ol'  Albion  or  is  it  fear.?  Annyhow,  th' 
American  duchesses  is  about  all  there  is  to  it  in  Lon- 
don. They  were  at  th'  cawmation,  ye  bet.  They 
were  th'  cawrnation.  They  bore  th'  thrain  iv  th' 
queen.  No  wan  can  lift  a  thrain  betther  or  higher 
thin  a  free-bom  American  lady.  At  th'  side  iv  her 
[135] 


Observations  by  Mr,  JDooley 

majesty  walked  th'  beautiful  Duchess  iv  Binkie- 
whistle,  bom  Lucy  Hicks  iv  Dobbs  Ferry.  Th' 
Duchess'  father  an'  mother  come  over  las'  week  with 
their  respictive  fam'lies,  an'  it  is  undhershtud  that 
wan  iv  th'  happiest  ivints  iv  th'  whole  glad  cawma- 
tion  season  was  th'  determination  iv  Ma  Hicks  to  de- 
vote her  alimony  intire  to  rebuildin'  th'  ancesthral 
mansion  iv  th'  jook.  Pa  Hicks,  not  to  be  outdone,  an- 
nounced that  he  wud  add  th'  rent  derived  fr'm  th' 
ancesthral  mansion  iv  th'  duchess,  which  is  now  used 
as  a  livery  stable. 

"  An'  so  th'  gr-reat  ivint  come  off.  I  won't  de- 
scribe it  to  ye.  It's  been  done  betther  thin  I  cud  do  it 
be  a  fearless  press.  Ye  know  ye'ersilf  how  th'  pro-cis- 
sion  winded  its  way  through  th'  sthreets;  how  Wist- 
minsther  Abbey  was  crowded  with  peers  an'  peeresses, 
an'  what  a  mighty  shout  wint  up  fr'm  Willum 
Waldorf  Astor  whin  he  come  in  an'  sat  on  his  hat 
near  th'  dure.  It  was  all  right.  First  come  th'  pre- 
lates backin'  to'rd  th'  althar.  Thin  all  th'  jooks 
bowin'  low.  Thin  th'  queen,  attinded  be  a  bevy  iv 
American  duchesses.  Thin  th'  king  lookin'  ivry  inch 
a  king — sixty-four  be  sixty-two  in  all.  Thin  th' 
Rile  Shoes,  th'  Rile  Socks,  th'  Rile  Collar  an'  Cuffs, 
an'  th'  Rile  Hat  borne  be  th'  hereditary  Sockbearers, 
Shoesters,  Collariferios,  an'  th'  High  an'  Magnificint 
Lid-Lord  (in  chains).  Suddenly  all  is  silent.  A 
hush  falls  on  th'  assimblage,  broken  on'y  be  a  low, 
sad  cry.    Willum  Waldorf  Astor  has  fainted. 

"  An'  so,  says  th'  pa-aper,  in  th'  prisince  iv  th' 
mighty  dead  an'  th'  mighty  near  dead,  among  th' 

[136] 


King  Edward's  Coronation 

surroundings  that  recalled  th'  days  iv  shivaree  an* 
in  an  atmosphere  full  iv  aristocratic  assocyations,  on 
account  iv  th'  vintilation  bein'  poor,  Albert  Edward 
Ernest  Pathrick  Arthur,  king,  definder  iv  th'  faith, 
put  on  his  hat.  Th'  organ  pealed  off  a  solemn  peal,  th' 
cannons  boomed,  th'  duchesses  et  hard-biled  eggs  out 
iv  a  paper  bag,  an'  a  paJe  man  in  silk  tights  wept  over 
th'  tomb  iv  Major  Andhre.  It  was  Joseph  Chote. 
That  night  all  Great  Britain  rejoiced,  fr'm  wan  end 
iv  Ireland  to  th'  other  th'  lile  popylace  showed  their 
joy  an'  th'  sky  was  lit  up  be  hundherds  iv  bumin' 
bams  an'  a  salute  iv  forty-four  guns  w^as  fired  in  th' 
County  Kerry  at  a  landlord's  agent  comin'  home 
fr'm  a  ball. 

"  I  hope  he'll  make  a  good  king.  I  ain't  so  much 
down  on  kings  as  I  used  to  be,  Hinnissy.  I  ain't 
down  on  thim  anny  more  because  I  don't  invy  thim, 
an'  ye  can't  be  down  on  anny  man  ye  don't  invy. 
'Tis  a  hard  job  an'  a  thankless  wan.  A  king  nowa- 
days is  no  more  thin  a  hitchin'  post  f'r  wan  polly- 
tician  afther  another.  He  ain't  allowed  to  move  him- 
silf,  but  anny  crazy  pollytician  that  ties  up  to  him 
is  apt  to  pull  him  out  be  th'  roots.  He  niver  has  anny 
childhood.  He's  like  th'  breaker-boys  in  th'  mines; 
he's  put  to  wurruk  lamin'  his  thrade  as  soon  as  he 
can  walk.  Whin  it  comes  time  f  r  him  to  marry,  th' 
prime  ministher  takes  him  out  wan  day  an'  says: 
'  There's  th'  on'y  woman  in  th'  wurruld  f'r  ye.'  '  But 
I  niver  see  her  befure,'  says  th'  unforchnit  king. 
'  Ye'll  see  less  iv  her  afther  nex'  week,'  says  th' 
prime  ministher.  '  Ye're  goin'  to  marry  her,'  he 
[  137  ] 


Observations  by  Mr,  Dooley 

says.  An'  he  backs  him  up  to  th'  bench  where  th' 
young  lady  sets  an'  inthrajooces  thim  an'  they're 
marrid.  Think  iv  havin'  th'  boord  iv  aldhermen  sil- 
ict  a  wife  f'r  ye  an'  ye'll  know  how  th'  king  feels 
whin  a  warrant  is  sarved  again'  him  to  hook  up  with 
his  cousin  Agoosta  Ann,  a  German  lady  who  freckles 
aisily  an'  croshays  neckties  Pr  a  iift'nant  in  th'  army. 
All  his  life  long  a  king  is  bossed  about  like  a  hired 
girl  in  a  boardin'  house,  an'  he  can't  aven  die  without 
havin'  a  lot  iv  people  runnin'  in  ivry  tin  minyits  to 
ask  has  he  done  it  yet  so  they  can  be  on  th'  mark 
to  holler  '  God  save  th'  king '  out  iv  th'  front  window 
th'  moment  th'  flag  falls.  No,  sir;  I  don't  want  to 
be  a  king  an'  whiniver  I  see  a  good  fellow  takin'  th' 
job,  I  feel  sorry  f'r  him.  I  know  what  he  is  up 
again'." 

"  I  believe  ye're  no  betther  thin  th'  rest  iv  thim 
thraitors,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy. 

"  I'm  difF'rent,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  calmly.  "  They 
helped  him  in  an'  I'd  do  annything  in  me  power,  now 
that  he  is  king,  to  help  him  out." 


[138] 


One  Advantage  of  Poverty 


ONE     ADVANTAGE     OF    POVERTY 


"  X  "IT  T  ELL,  sir,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "  ye  ought 
\/\/  *^  ^^  E^^^  je're  not  sick  an'  illusthrees 
'      ^      at  th'  same  time." 

"  How's  that  ?  "  Mr.  Hennessy  demanded. 

"  Well,  ye  see,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "  suppose  anny- 
thing  happens  to  ye  now ;  a  fellow  counthryman 
dhrops  a  hammer  on  ye  th'  day  afther  th'  picnic  or 
ye'er  di-gestion  listens  to  a  walkin'  dillygate  fr'm 
th'  Union  iv  Microbes  an'  goes  out  on  sthrike.  Th' 
polisman  on  th'  corner  has  th'  usual  suspicions  among 
gintlemen  an'  hits  ye  over  th'  head  an'  calls  th'  wagon 
an'  sinds  ye  home.  Th'  good  woman  wrings  her 
hands  an'  calls  Hiven  to  witness  that  if  ye  have  a  tooth- 
ache ye  wake  th'  neighborhood,  an'  slaps  a  mustard 
plasther  on  ye.  If  she  comes  back  later  an'  finds  ye 
haven't  put  th'  sheet  between  ye  an'  th'  plasther  an' 
gone  to  sleep,  she  knows  'tis  seeryous  an'  sinds  f'r 
th'  doctor.  We  continyoo  to  have  doctors  in  what 
th'  pa-apers  calls  th'  outlyin'  wards.  They  live  above 
th'  dhrug-store  an'  practice  midicine  on  us.  Th' 
physicians  an'  surgeons  are  all  down  town  editin'  th' 
pa-apers.  Well,  dock  comes  to  ye  afther  awhile  in 
a  buggy.  On  th'  way  up  he  sets  a  broken  leg,  re- 
moves an  arm,  does  a  little  something  f'r  th'  city 
directhry,  takes  a  dhrink,  talks  pollyticks  with  th' 
unhappy  parent  an'  fin'lly  lands  at  ye'er  dure  with 
[141] 


Observations  by  Mr,  Dooley 

th'  burglar's  tools.  Afther  he's  closed  that  dure  th' 
secrets  iv  th'  inner  man  is  known  on'y  to  him.  No 
wan  hears  or  wants  to  hear  anny thing  about  it.  Th' 
nex'  time  we  see  ye,  ye  come  out  lookin'  pale  an' 
emacyated  an'  much  younger  an'  betther  lookin'  thin 
annywan  iver  raymimbers  seein'  ye,  an'  afther  awhile 
ye  obsarve  that  whin  ye  start  to  tell  how  manny 
stitches  it  took  an'  what  ye  see  whin  ye  smelled  th' 
dizzy  sponge,  ye'er  frinds  begin  to  sprint  away. 
An'  ye  go  back  reluctantly  to  wurruk.  Ye  niver 
hear  annywan  say :  '  Hinnissy  is  great  comp'ny  whin 
he  begins  to  talk  about  his  sickness.'  I've  seen  men 
turn  fr'm  a  poor,  helpless,  enthusyastic  invalid  to 
listen  to  a  man  talkin'  about  th'  Nicaragoon  canal. 

"  But  with  th'  great  'tis  far  difF'rent.  I've  often 
thanked  th'  Lord  that  I  didn't  continyoo  in  pollytics 
whin  I  was  cap'n  iv  me  precinct,  f'r  with  th'  eyes  iv 
all  th'  wurruld  focussed,  as  Hogan  says,  on  me,  I  cud 
niver  injye  th'  pleasure  iv  a  moment's  sickness  with- 
out people  in  far-off  Boolgahrya  knowin'  whether  me 
liver  was  on  sthraight.  Sickness  is  wan  iv  th'  priv- 
ileges iv  th'  poor  man  that  he  shares  with  no  wan. 
Whin  it  comes  kindly  to  him,  th'  four  walls  iv  his 
room  closes  in  on  him  like  a  tent,  folks  goes  by  on 
th'  other  side  iv  th'  sthreet,  th'  rollin'  mill  disappears, 
an'  with  th'  mornin'  comes  no  honest  day's  tile.  He 
lies  there  in  blessid  idleness  an'  no  matther  what's  th' 
matther  wdtli  him,  he  don't  suffer  half  as  much  pain 
as  he  would  in  pursoot  iv  tw^o  dollars  a  day.  I 
knowed  a  man  wanst  who  used  to  take  his  vacations 
that  way.  Whin  others  wint  off  f'r  to  hunt  what 
[142] 


One  Advantage  of  Poverty 

Hogan  calls  th'  finny  monsthers  iv  th'  deep,  he  be- 
come seeryously  ill  an'  took  to  bed.  It  made  him 
very  sthrong. 

"  But  suppose  I  hadn't  resigned  fr'm  cap'n  iv  me 
precinct  whin  I  was  defeated.  If  annything  had 
happened  to  me,  ye'd  pick  up  th'  pa-apers  an'  see: 
'  Seeryous  news  about  th'  Cap'n  iv  th'  twinty-sicond 
precinct  iv  th'  sixth  ward.  He  has  brain  fever.  He 
has  not.  He  got  in  a  fight  with  a  Swede  an'  had  his 
ribs  stove  in.  He  fell  out  iv  th'  window  iv  a  joolry 
store  he  was  burglarizin'  an'  broke  th'  left  junction 
iv  th'  sizjymoid  cartilage.  Th'  throuble  with  th' 
Cap'n  is  he  dhrinks  too  much.  A  man  iv  his  age  who 
has  been  a  soak  all  his  life  always  succumbs  to  anny 
throuble  like  hyperthroopily  iv  th'  cranium.  Doc- 
thor  Muggers,  dean  iv  th'  Post  Gradyate  Vethrinary 
school  iv  Osteopathy  says  he  had  a  similar  case  las' 
year  in  Mr.  Hinnery  Haitch  Clohessy,  wan  iv  th'  best 
known  citizens  iv  this  city.  Like  th'  Cap,  Mr.  Clo- 
hessy was  a  high  liver,  a  heavy  dhrinker,  a  gambler 
an'  a  flirt.  Th'  cases  are  almost  identical.  Owin'  to 
th'  code  iv  pro-fissional  eethics  Dr.  Muggers  cud  not 
tell  th'  bereaved  fam'ly  what  ailed  Misther  Clohessy, 
but  it  was  undoubtedly  his  Past  Life.' 

"  Thin  come  th'  doctors.  Not  wan  doctor,  Hin- 
nissy,  to  give  ye  a  whifF  out  iv  a  towel  an'  make 
ye  sleep  f'r  an  hour  an'  wake  up  an'  say  '  I  fooled  ye. 
Whin  do  ye  begin  ?  '  No,  but  all  iv  thim.  They 
escort  th'  prisoner  up  th'  sthreet  in  a  chariot,  an'  th' 
little  newsboys  runs  alongside  sellin'  exthry  papers. 
'  Our  night  edition  will  print  th'  inside  facts  about 
[  143  ] 


Observations  by  Mr,  Dootey 

Cap  Dooley's  condition,  an'  th'  Cap  himsilf  with  a 
cinematograph  iv  th'  jolly  proceedin's  be  Dock 
Laparatonny.'  What  happens  to  th'  criminal  at 
first  is  th'  same  as  if  he  was  a  dacint,  wurrukin'  man. 
But  whin  that  is  done,  an'  'tis  gettin'  so  aisy  they 
tell  me  they'se  not  much  difF'rence  between  a  good 
clam-salesman  an'  a  first-class  surgeon,  th'  lithry 
wurruk  begins.  Ye  think  'tis  all  over  whin  ye  say: 
'  Dock,  put  ye'er  hand  undher  th'  pillow  an'  take 
what's  there.'  But  not  so.  Th'  assembled  docks 
adjourn  to  a  large  hall  an'  prepare  th'  story  iv  '  Cap 
Dooley ;  a  Stormy  Career.    Be  wan  who  knows.' 

"  '  Upon  seein'  th'  Cap,  we  at  once  diagnosed  th' 
case  as  peritchpalitickipantilitisitis,  or  chicken  bone 
in  th'  throat.  Dr.  Pincers  operated,  Dr.  Smothers 
administhered  th'  annysthetic,  Dr.  Hygeen  opened 
th'  window.  Dr.  Anodyne  turned  on  th'  gas.  Dr. 
Aluompaine  turned  th'  pitchers  to  th'  wall.  Dr. 
Rambo  looked  out  th'  window,  Docthors  Peroxide, 
Gycal,  Cephalgern,  Antipyreen  an'  Coltar  took  a 
walk  in  th'  park,  an'  Doctor  Saliclate  figured  up  th' 
bill.  As  we  have  said  we  diagnosed  th'  case  as  above. 
We  can't  raymimber  th'  name.  It  depinds  on  how 
th'  syllables  came  out  iv  th'  hat.  We  were  wrong, 
although  what  we  see  whin  we  got  in  more  thin  made 
up  f'r  th'  error.  We  made  a  long  incision  fr'm  th' 
chin  down  an'  another  acrost  an'  not  findin'  what  we 
expicted,  but  manny  things  that  ought  to  be  kept  fr'm 
th'  fam'ly,  we  put  th'  Cap  back  an'  wint  on.  Th' 
op'ration  was  a  complete  success.  Th'  wretch  is 
restin  an'  swearin'  easily.  We  have  given  him  a  light 
[  144] 


One  Advantage  of  Poverty 

meal  iv  pickles  an'  antiseptic  oats,  an'  surgical  sci- 
ence havin'  done  lis  duty,  mus'  lave  th'  rest  to  Nat- 
ure, which  was  not  in  th'  consultation,  bein'  con- 
sidhered  be  some  iv  us,  slightly  irregular.  (Signed) 
Look  at  our  names : 

'  Pincers,  Anodyne,  Peroxide, 

Smothers,  Coltar,  Antipyreen, 

Cepalgeen,  Alicompane,  Gycal, 

Hygeen,  Rambo,  Saliclate.' 

"  But  that's  nawthin'.  If  ye  think  they'se  anny- 
thing  ye  wud  like  to  keep  up  ye'er  sleeve,  look  f  r 
it  in  th'  pa-apers.  '  Th'  foUowin'  facts  is  stated  on 
th'  authority  iv  wan  iv  th'  attindin'  surgeons:  Cap 
Dooley  cut  up  terribly  undher  th'  cliloryform,  sing- 
in'  songs,  swearin'  an'  askin'  f'r  Lucy.  His  wife's 
name  is  Annamariar.  She  was  in  th'  adjinin'  room. 
It  seems  they  have  had  throuble.  Th'  room  was 
poorly  furnished.  Th'  Cap's  clothes  was  much  worn 
as  was  most  iv  him.  He  must  have  led  a  shockin' 
life.  It  is  doubtful  if  he  will  iver  raycover  f'r  he 
is  very,  very  old.  He  has  been  concealin'  his  age  f'r 
manny  years.  He  is  a  notoryous  profligate,  as  was 
well  shown  be  th'  view  we  had.  Th'  flash  light  pi1?cher 
iv  th'  Cap  will  appeal  to  all  who  know  his  inner 
histhry.' 

"  An'  there  ye  ar-re.  Think  iv  a  man  comin'  out 
in  th'  light  iv  day  afther  all  that.  He  can't  get  on 
clothes  enough  to  cover  him.  He  may  bear  himsilf 
with  a  haughty  manner,  but  he  feels  that  ivry  man 
he  meets  knows  more  about  him  thin  he  knows  him- 
silf. Th'  fellow  on  th'  sthreet  has  been  within  th' 
[145] 


Observations  by  Mr,  Dooley 

walls.  He's  sayin'  to  himsilf :  '  Ye're  a  hollow  sham 
composed  akelly  iv  impaired  organs  an'  antiseptic 
gauze.'  To  th'  end  iv  his  life,  he'll  niver  be  anny- 
thing  more  thin  an  annytomical  chart  to  his  frinds. 
His  privacy  is  over  f'river,  f'r  what  good  can  it  do 
annywan,  Hinnissy,  to  pull  down  th'  blinds  iv  his 
bed  room  if  ivrybody  knows  exactly  th'  size,  shape 
an'  location  iv  his  spleen  ? 

"  No,  sir,  if  I've  got  to  be  sick,  give  me  th'  ordhn'ry 
dacencies  iv  poverty.  I  don't  want  anny  man  to 
know  anny  more  about  me  thin  he  can  larn  fr'm 
th'  handiwork  iv  Marks,  th'  tailor,  an'  Schmitt,  th' 
shoemaker,  an'  fr'm  th'  deceitful  expression  iv  me 
face.  If  I  have  a  bad  heart,  let  him  know  it  be  me 
eyes.  On  me  vest  is  written :  '  Thus  far  an'  no  far- 
ther.' They'se  manny  a  man  on  intimate  terms  with 
th'  King  iv  England  to-day  that  don't  know  anny  more 
about  me  thin  that  I'm  broadcloth  on  Sundah  an' 
serge  on  week  days.  An'  I  don't  intind  they  shall. 
I  hide  behind  th'  privileges  iv  me  position  an'  say: 
'  Fellow-citizens,  docks  an'  j  ournalists,  I  cannot  in- 
thrajooce  ye  to  th'  Inner  Man.  He's  a  reecloose  an' 
avarse  to  s'ciety.  He's  modest  an'  shy  an'  objects 
to  callers.  Ye  can  guess  what  kind  iv  man  I  am  but 
I  wudden't  have  ye  know.'  An'  I  can  do  that  as  long 
as  I  stay  poor." 

"  I'm  glad  I'm  poor,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy. 

"  It  gives  ye  less  to  talk  about  but  more  to  think 
about,"  said  Mr.  Dooley. 


[146] 


The  Fighting  Word 


THE    FIGHTING    WORD 


"A    ■     A  HAT  man  Bailey  iv  Texas  f 'r  me  ivry  time," 
I        said  Mr.  Dooley. 

JL  "What's    he    been    doin'?"    asked    Mr. 

Hennessy. 

"  He  done  me  frind  Biv'ridge  iv  Injyanny,"  said 
Mr.  Dooley.  "  An'  I'm  f 'r  him  f'r  leader  iv  th' 
party.  He's  wan  iv  th'  best  two-handed  orators  in 
th'  sinit  or  anny where.  He  has  a  wondherful  left  an' 
his  repartee  with  th'  right  is  said  to  be  very  stingin'. 
He's  inthrajooced  th'  sthrangle  holt  be  means  iv  which 
th'  debate  can  be  suddenly  cut  off.  He's  me  ideel 
leader. 

"  I  want  a  leader  who's  got  a  good  gi'ip  on  public 
affairs  an'  men,  who  can  take  hold  iv  anny  question  or 
anny  raypublican  an'  choke  it  or  him  till  they're  black 
in  th'  face.  Bailey's  th'  boy.  I  followed  Tillman 
Pr  awhile,  but  he's  gone  back.  He  belongs  to  th'  ol' 
school  iv  parly mintaryans,  th'  same  that  Jawn  L.  Sul- 
livan belongs  to.  He's  clever  f'r  an  old  'un  an'  I'd 
be  willin'  to  back  him  again  anny  raypublican  in  New 
England  at  catch-weights.  His  reply  to  Sinitor  Mc- 
Laurin  was  said  to  be  wan  iv  th'  quickest  iver  heerd 
since  th'  days  iv  Dan'l  Webster.  It  laid  open  th' 
scalp.  But  they  tell  me  Tillman's  speeches  is  not 
what  Hogan  calls  impromptchu.  He  rehearses  thim 
ivry  mornin'  with  a  punchin'-bag.  Bailey  is  more  iv 
[149] 


Observations  by  Mr,  Dooley 

a  nachral  debater.  No  holds  barred  with  him.  Hand 
or  fut,  'tis  all  th'  same. 

"  What  was  it  all  about,  says  ye  ?  Well,  ye  see  this 
sinitor  fr'm  Injyanny,  me  frind  Jeremiah  Biv' ridge 
made  a  mos'  insultin'  remark  to  Misther  Bailey.  What 
did  he  say.?  I  mustn't  tell  ye.  No,  no,  'tis  too  hor- 
rible. Well,  if  ye  must  hear  it,  close  th'  dure  an'  pull 
down  th'  blinds.  Whisper !  There !  There  ye  have 
it.  I  blush  to  raypeat  th'  wurruds.  To  think  that 
anny  man  shud  so  demean  himsilf  as  to  imagine  such 
a  thing,  lave  alone  say  it.  But  he  did — right  out 
in  th'  Sinit  befure  Hinnery  Cabin  Lodge.  Oh,  it  was 
turr'ble.  Here  it  is  in  th'  pa-apers :  '  Misther  Biv'- 
ridge  said  th'  st-t-m-nts  iv  th'  hon'rable  sinitor  fr'm 
Texas  was  unw-r-nted.'  Modesty  where  was  thy 
blush  .f^  as  Shakespere  says.  Now,  th'  sinitors  iv 
th'  United  States  is  not  aisily  shocked.  That's  not 
th'  way  ye  get  into  th'  Sinit.  Th'  bright  blush  iv 
shame  hasn't  been  used  there  more  thin  twice  since 
th'  war.  Ye  can  say  almost  annything  ye  like  to  a 
sinitor.  Ye  can  say  he  wanst  stole  a  horse,  that  he's 
livin'  undher  an  assumed  name,  that  he  was  made  be 
a  thrust,  that  his  on'y  nourishment  is  beets,  or  that 
he  belongs  to  New  York  s'ciety,  an'  th'  Sinit  will  on'y 
yawn.  But  wanst  even  hint  that  his  such-an'-such  is 
so-an'-so  (I  will  not  repeat  th'  heejous  wurruds)  an' 
ye  mus'  hurry  an'  slip  on  th'  brass  knuckles,  f 'r  they'se 
a  slap  comin'  to  ye. 

"  Here's  what  happened :  '  Sinitor  Bailey  stepped 
quickly  over  Sinitors  Hoar,  Mason,  Quay,  an'  others 
an'  made  f'r  where  Sinitor  Biv'ridge  was  quitely 
[  150  ] 


The  Fighting  Word 

smokin'  a  cigar  an'  talkin'  to  himsilf.  SInitor  Bailey 
says :  "  Hon'rable  sir,  ye  must  withdraw  that  loath- 
some insinooation  again'  me  good  name,"  he  says.  "  I 
have  not  led  a  pure  life.  No  man  has.  I  don't  claim 
to  be  anny  betther  thin  others.  But  no  wan  befure  has 
iver  said  about  me  such  things  as  these,  an'  if  ye  don't 
take  thim  back  at  wanst,  I'll  kill  ye,  I'll  choke  ye,  I'll 
give  ye  a  poke  in  th'  eye,"  he  says.  "  I  cannot  consint," 
says  th'  bold  sinitor  fr'm  In jy anny,  "  I  cannot  consint 
to  haul  back  me  epithet.  It  wud  not  be  sinitoryal  cour- 
tesy," he  says.  "  Thin,"  says  Sinitor  Bailey,  "  here 
goes  f'r  an  assault  an'  batthry."  An'  with  a  gesture 
iv  th'  thrue  orator,  he  seized  him  be  th'  throat.  Th' 
debate  become  gin'ral.  Sinitor  Spooner  iv  Wiscon- 
sin led  f'r  th'  raypublicans  an'  Sinitor  Morgan  iv  Ala- 
bama counthered  f'r  th'  dimmycrats.  Sinitor  Piatt 
made  a  very  happy  retort  with  a  chair,  to  which  Sinitor 
Gorman  replied  with  a  sintintious  cuspidor.  Owin'  to 
th'  excitin'  nature  iv  th'  debate  on'y  a  few  iv  th'  best 
remarks  reached  th'  gall'ry,  wan  iv  thim,  a  piece  iv 
hard  coal,  layin'  out  a  riprisintative  iv  th'  Sultan  iv 
Zulu.  At  th'  hospital  he  declared  himsilf  much  im- 
prissed.  Durin'  th'  proceedin's  Biv'ridge  acted  in 
th'  mos'  gintlemanly  an'  even  ladylike  manner.  His 
face  wore  a  smile  iv  complete  sang  fraud  or  pain,  an' 
he  niver  took  his  cigar  fr'm  his  mouth  wanst.  Indeed, 
it  was  siv'ral  hours  befure  th'  Havana  cud  be  ex- 
thracted  be  th'  surgeon  who  was  called  in.  While  th' 
debate  was  in  progress,  a  pitcher  iv  Thomas  Jefferson 
was  obsarv^ed  to  give  a  slight  moan  an'  turn  its  face 
to  th'  wall.  Th'  Sinit  thin  took  up  routine  business 
[151] 


Observations  by  Mr,  Dooley 

an'  th'  janitor  swept  up  th'  hair  an'  neckties.  Sinitor 
Biv'ridge  was  not  much  hurt.  Th'  tinder  outside  iv 
th'  wind-pipe  was  somewhat  bruised,  but  th'  wurrukin' 
inside  is  still  intact.' 

"  'Twas  a  pretty  scene,  Hinnissy,  an'  wan  that 
makes  me  proud  iv  Bailey  Tr  his  courage  in  pouncin' 
on  his  collague;  iv  Biv'ridge  f'r  th'  manly  self  re- 
sthraint  an'  rayspict  f'r  th'  dignity  iv  th'  Sinit  that 
par'lyzes  a  man's  hands  whin  his  wind  is  cut  off ;  iv  our 
noble  counthry  that  projooces  such  sturdy  sons,  iv  th' 
Sinit  that  brings  thim  together  in  a  clinch  an'  iv  me- 
silf  because  I  wasn't  there.  I'm  with  Bailey.  Bailey 
f'r  prisidint!     Bailey  or  bust  or  choke! 

"  I'm  not  sure  that  if  I  was  in  th'  same  place  I'd  do 
th'  same  thing.  But  I'm  no  statesman.  Who  am  I 
to  say  that  what  wudden't  be  manners  in  a  bar-room 
is  not  all  right  in  th'  Sinit  ?  DifF'rent  men  has  diff 'rent 
raisons  f'r  fightin'.  Ivry  man  will  fight.  Ye  can  bet 
on  that.  A  brave  man  will  fight  because  he  is  brave 
an'  a  cow'rd  because  he  is  a  cow'rd.  All  men  will  fight 
an'  all  men  will  run.  Some  will  fight  befure  they'll 
run,  but  they'll  run ;  some  men  will  run  befure  they'll 
fight,  but  they'll  fight.  Tiiey'se  a  pretty  good  fight 
an'  a  pretty  fast  run  in  ivry  man  I  know..  Th'  debate 
in  th'  Sinit  don't  prove  annything  about  th'  merits  iv 
ayether  pug.  In  some  other  circumstances,  Biv'ridge 
might  have  hunted  Bailey  up  a  three.  It  happened 
to  be  Bailey's  day. 

"  As  I  get  on  in  years,  I  believe  less  in  fightin'.  'Tis 
a  turr'ble  thing  to  see  th'  aged  an'  infirm  swingin'  away 
at  each  other.  'Tis  so  unscientific.  I  hate  to  think 
[152] 


The  Fighting  Word 

IV  a  man  with  one  leg  in  th'  grave  usin'  th'  other  to 
thrip  th'  free  foot  iv  a  fellow  aged.  I'm  glad  Bailey 
an'  Biv'ridge  ar-re  young  men.  What  a  scandal  if 
Sinitor  Cullom  an'  Sinitor  Morgan  shud  mix  it  up! 
Wan  iv  th'  things  a  man  larns  as  he  grows  old  is  to  dis- 
like fightin'.  He  dislikes  annything  he  can't  do  as 
well  as  he  cud.  I'm  that  way.  But  I  wasn't  always 
so.  No,  sir.  They  was  a  time  whin  I'd  fight  at  th' 
dhrop  iv  a  hat,  f'r  money  or  marbles  or  pool  checks, 
f 'r  th'  good  name  iv  women  or  th'  revarse,  f'r  political 
principles  or  unprincipled  politics,  f'r  th'  gate  re- 
ceipts, Tr  me  relligion,  f'r  th'  look  iv  th'  thing,  becaii^' 
th'  barkeeper  heard  what  he  said,  because  he  whispered 
to  her,  f'r  th'  sacred  theery  that  th'  buildin's  is  higher 
in  Chicago  thin  in  New  York,  f'r  th'  fun  h/th'  thing, 
an'  f'r  th'  Fight.  That  last's  th'  best  ifall.  A  man 
that  won't  fight  f'r  th'  fight  itsilf  is  no  rale  fighter.  I 
don't  know  what  wud  make  me  fight  nowadays.  I 
know  lots  iv  things  that  wud  make  me  want  to  fight, 
but  I've  larned  to  repress  me  desires.  Me  heart  is  full 
iv  song  but  I've  lost  me  voice.  In  me  dhreams  I'm  al- 
ways punchin'  somebody's  head.  I  shall  niver  f'rget 
th'  night  whin  I  put  Jeffries  out  iv  th'  business  with 
wan  well-directed  punch  an'  me  in  me  bare  feet,  too. 
I  can  niver  f'rget  it  f'r  I  fell  out  iv  bed  and  bumped 
me  head  again'  th'  rocker  iv  a  chair.  But  in  me  wakin' 
hours,  I'm  a  man  iv  vi'lent  impulses  an'  peaceful  ray- 
suits.  In  a  fight  I'd  be  like  a  deef-mute  in  a  debatin' 
s'ciety.  But  as  I  said,  Hinnissy,  they  was  a  day  whin 
th'  lightest  wurrud  was  an  insult.  Nowadays  I  say 
to  mesilf :  '  Considher  th'  soorce.  How  can  such  a 
[  153  ] 


Ohsej'vations  by  Mr,  Dooley 

low  blaggard  as  that  insult  me~?  Jus'  because  some 
dhrunken  wretch  chooses  to  apply  a  foul  epitaph  to 
me,  am  I  goin'  to  dignify  him  be  knockin'  him  down 
in  th'  public  sthreet  an'  p'raps  not,  an'  gettin'  th'  head 
beat  off  me?  No,  sir.  I  will  raymimber  me  position 
in  th'  community.  I  will  pass  on  with  a  smile  iv  bitter 
contempt.     Maybe  I'd  betther  run  a  little.' 

"  Th'  las'  throuble  I  got  into  I  begun  to  think  iv 
th'  new  suit  I  had  on  an'  I  knew  me  warryor  days  was 
over.  Whin  a  man  raymimbers  his  clothes  or  his  ap- 
pearance in  battle,  'tis  high  time  f'r  him  to  retire 
fr'm  th'  ring.  Th'  ca'm,  almost  deathlike  smile  that 
rests  upon  a  man's  face  whin  another  man  is  cloutin' 
him  about  is  on'y  th'  outward  exprission  iv  something 
about  two  numbers  up  th'  chest  fr'm  sea  sickness. 
That's  all  I've  got  to  say  about  fightin'.  Ye  can't  lay 
down  anny  rules  about  it." 

"  Ye  niver  will  go  to  th'  Sinit  with  thim  views," 
said  Mr.  Hennessy. 

"  I  don't  want  to,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "  Some  day 
th'  Sinit  will  be  pulled." 


[  154  J 


Home  Life  of  Geniuses 


HOME    LIFE    OF    GENIUSES 

"     A       WOMAN  ought  to  be  careful  who  she  mar- 
A%      ries,"  said  Mr.  Dooley. 
J^    \.      "So  ought  a  man,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy, 
with  feeling. 

"  It  don't  make  so  much  difPrence  about  him,"  said 
Mr.  Dooley.  "  Whin  a  man's  marrid,  he's  a  marrid 
man.  That's  all  ye  can  say  about  him.  Iv  coorse,  he 
thinks  maiTedge  is  goin'  to  change  th'  whole  current  iv 
his  bein',  as  Hogan  says.  But  it  doesn't.  Afther 
he's  been  hooked  up  f 'r  a  few  months,  he  finds  he  was 
marrid  befure,  even  if  he  wasn't,  which  is  often  th' 
case,  d'ye  mind.  Th'  first  bride  iv  his  bosom  was  th* 
Day's  Wurruk,  an'  it  can't  be  put  off.  They'se  no 
groun's  f'r  dissolvin'  that  marredge,  Hinnissy.  Ye 
can't  say  to  th'  Day's  Wurruk :  '  Here,  take  this 
bunch  iv  alimony  an*  go  on  th'  stage.'  It  turns  up  at 
breakfast  about  th'  fourth  month  afther  th'  weddin' 
an'  creates  a  scandal.  Th'  unforchnit  man  thries  to 
shoo  it  off  but  it  fixes  him  with  its  eye  an'  hauls  him 
away  fr'm  the  bacon  an'  eggs,  while  the  lady  opposite 
weeps  and  wondhers  what  he  can  see  in  annything  so 
old  an'  homely.  It  says,  '  Come  with  me,  aroon,'  an' 
he  goes.  An'  afther  that  he  spinds  most  iv  his  time 
an'  often  a  good  deal  iv  his  money  with  th'  enchantress. 
I  tell  ye  what,  Hinnissy,  th'  Day's  Wurruk  has  broke 
up  more  happy  homes  thin  comic  opry.  If  th'  coorts 
[157] 


Observations  by  Mr,  Dooley 

wud  allow  it,  manny  a  woman  cud  get  a  divorce  on  th' 
groun's  that  her  husband  cared  more  Pr  his  Day's 
Wurruk  thin  he  did  f 'r  her.  '  Hinnissy  varsus  Hin- 
nissy;  corryspondint,  th'  Day's  Wurruk.'  They'd 
be  ividince  that  th'  defindant  was  seen  ridin'  in  a  cab 
with  th'  corryspondint,  that  he  took  it  to  a  picnic,  that 
he  wint  to  th'  theaytre  with  it,  that  he  talked  about  it 
in  his  sleep,  an'  that,  lost  to  all  sinse  iv  shame,  he  even 
escoorted  it  home  with  him  an'  inthrajooced  it  to  his 
varchoos  wife  an'  innocint  childher.  So  it  don't  make 
much  diff'rence  who  a  man  marries.  If  he  has  a  job, 
he's  safe. 

"  But  with  a  woman  'tis  diff'rent.  Th'  man  puts 
down  on'y  part  iv  th'  bet.  Whin  he's  had  enough  iv 
th'  convarsation  that  in  Union  Park  undher  th'  threes 
med  him  think  he  was  talkin'  with  an  intellechool 
joyntess,  all  he  has  to  do  is  to  put  on  his  coat,  grab  up 
his  dinner  pail  an'  go  down  to  th'  shops,  to  be  happy 
though  marrid.  But  a  woman,  I  tell  ye,  bets  all  she 
has.  A  man  don't  have  to  marry  but  a  woman  does. 
01'  maids  an'  clargymen  do  th'  most  good  in  th' 
wurruld  an'  we  love  thim  f'r  th'  good  they  do.  But 
people,  especially  women,  don't  want  to  be  loved  that 
way.  They  want  to  be  loved  because  people  can't 
help  lovin'  thim  no  matther  how  bad  they  are.  Th' 
story  books  that  ye  give  ye'er  daughter  Honoria  all 
tell  her  'tis  just  as  good  not  to  be  marrid.  She  reads 
about  how  kind  Dorothy  was  to  Lulu's  childher  an'  she 
knows  Dorothy  was  th'  betther  woman,  but  she  wants 
to  be  Lulu.  Her  heart,  an'  a  cold  look  in  th'  eye  iv 
th'  wurruld  an'  her  Ma  tell  her  to  hurry  up.  Arly  in 
[158] 


Home  Life  of  Geniuses 

life  she  looks  f 'r  th'  man  iv  her  choice  in  th'  tennis  rec- 
ords ;  later  she  reads  th'  news  f r'm  th'  militia  encamp- 
mint;  thin  she  studies  th'  socyal  raygisther;  further 
on  she  makes  hersilf  family ar  with  Bradsthreets'  ray- 
ports,  an'  fin'lly  she  watches  th'  place  where  life  pre- 
sarvers  are  hangin'. 

"  Now,  what  kind  iv  a  man  ought  a  woman  to 
marry  ?  She  oughtn't  to  marry  a  young  man  because 
she'll  grow  old  quicker  thin  he  will;  she  oughtn't  to 
marry  an  old  man  because  he'll  be  much  older  befure 
he's  younger;  she  oughtn't  to  marry  a  poor  man  be- 
cause he  may  become  rich  an'  lose  her ;  she  oughtn't  to 
marry  a  rich  man  because  if  he  becomes  poor,  she  can't 
lose  him;  she  oughtn't  to  marry  a  man  that  knows 
more  thin  she  does,  because  he'll  niver  fail  to  show  it, 
an'  she  oughtn't  to  marry  a  man  that  knows  less  be- 
cause he  may  niver  catch  up.  But  above  all  things 
she  mustn't  marry  a  janius.  A  flure-walker,  per- 
haps ;  a  janius  niver. 

"  I  tell  ye  this  because  I've  been  r-readin'  a  book 
Hogan  give  me,  about  th'  divvle's  own  time  a  janius 
had  with  his  fam'ly.  A  cap  iv  industhry  may  have 
throuble  in  his  fam'ly  till  there  isn't  a  whole  piece  iv 
chiny  in  th'  cupboard,  an'  no  wan  will  be  the  wiser  f'r 
it  but  th'  hired  girl  an'  th'  doctor  that  paints  th'  black 
eye.  But  ivrybody  knows  what  happens  in  a  janius' 
house.  Th'  janius  always  tells  th'  bartinder.  Be- 
sides he  has  other  janiuses  callin'  on  him,  an'  'tis  th' 
business  iv  a  janius  to  write  about  th'  domestic 
throubles  iv  other  janiuses  so  posterity '11  know  what  a 
hard  thing  it  is  to  be  a  janius.  I've  been  readin'  this 
[159] 


Observations  by  Mr.  Dooley 

book  iv  Hogan's  an'  as  I  tell  ye,  'tis  about  th'  misery 
a  wretched  woman  inflicted  on  a  pote's  life. 

"  '  Our  hayro,'  says  th'  author, '  at  this  peeryod  con- 
thracted  an  unforchnit  alliance  that  was  destined  to 
cast  a  deep  gloom  over  his  career.  At  th'  age  iv  fifty, 
afther  a  life  devoted  to  th'  pursoot  iv  such  gayety  as 
janiuses  have  always  found  niciss'ry  to  solace  their 
avenin's,  he  marrid  a  young  an'  beautiful  girl  some 
thirty-two  years  his  junior.  This  wretched  crather 
had  no  appreciation  iv  lithrachoor  or  lithry  men. 
She  was  frivolous  an'  light-minded  an'  ividintly  con- 
sidhered  that  nawthin'  was  rally  lithrachoor  that  cud- 
den't  be  thranslated  into  groceries.  Niver  shall  I  f 'r- 
get  th'  expression  iv  despair  on  th'  face  iv  this  godlike 
man  as  he  came  into  Casey's  saloon  wan  starry  July 
avenin'  an'  staggered  into  his  familyar  seat,  holdin' 
in  his  hand  a  bit  iv  soiled  paper  which  he  tore  into 
fragmints  an'  hurled  into  th'  coal  scuttle.  On  that 
crumpled  parchmint  findin'  a  sombre  grave  among  th' 
disinterred  relics  iv  an  age  long  past,  to  wit,  th'  cari- 
boniferious  or  coal  age,  was  written  th'  iver-mim'rable 
pome:  "Ode  to  Gin."  Our  frind  had  scribbled  it 
hastily  at  th'  dinner  iv  th'  Betther-thin-Shakespere 
Club,  an'  had  attimpted  to  read  it  to  his  wife  through 
th'  keyhole  iv  her  bedroom  dure  an'  met  no  response 
fr'm  th'  fillystein  but  a  pitcher  iv  wather  through  th' 
thransom.  Forchnitly  he  had  presarved  a  copy  on 
his  cuff  an'  th'  gem  was  not  lost  to  posterity.  But 
such  was  th'  home  life  iv  wan  iv  th'  gr-reatest  iv  lithry 
masters,  a  man  indowed  be  nachure  with  all  that  shud 
make  a  woman  adore  him  as  is  proved  be  his  tindher 
[160] 


Hcyme  Life  of  Geniuses 

varses:  *  To  Carrie,'  '  To  Maude,'  '  To  Flossie,'  '  To 
Angebel,'  '  To  Queenie,'  an'  so  foorth.  De  Boni- 
poort  in  his  cilljbrated  '  Mimores,'  in  which  he  tells 
ivrything  unpleasant  he  see  or  heerd  in  his  frinds' 
houses,  gives  a  sthrikin'  pitcher  iv  a  scene  that  hap« 
pened  befure  his  eyes.  '  Afther  a  few  basins  iv  ab- 
sceenthe  in  th'  reev  gosh,'  says  he,  '  Parnassy  invited 
us  home  to  dinner.  Sivral  iv  th'  bum  vivonts  was 
hard  to  wake  up,  but  fin'lly  we  arrived  at  th'  hand- 
some cellar  where  our  gr-reat  f rind  had  installed  his 
unworthy  fam'ly.  Ivrything  pinted  to  th'  admirable 
taste  iv  th'  thrue  artist.  Th'  tub,  th'  washboard,  th' 
biler  singin'  on  th'  fire,  th'  neighbor's  washin'  dancin' 
on  the  clothes  rack,  were  all  in  keepin'  with  th'  best 
ideels  iv  what  a  pote's  home  shud  be.  Th'  wife,  a 
faded  but  still  pretty  woman,  welcomed  us  more  or 
less,  an'  with  th'  assistance  iv  sivral  bottles  iv  paint  we 
had  brought  with  us,  we  was  soon  launched  on  a  feast 
iv  raison  an'  a  flow  iv  soul.  Unhappily  befure  th' 
raypast  was  con-eluded  a  mis'rable  scene  took  place. 
Amid  cries  iv  approval,  Parnassy  read  his  mim'rable 
pome  intitled :  *  I  wisht  I  nivir  got  marrid.'  Afther 
finishin'  in  a  perfect  roar  of  applause,  he  happened  to 
look  up  an'  see  his  wife  callously  rockin'  th'  baby. 
With  th'  impetchosity  so  charackteristic  iv  th'  man,  he 
broke  a  soup  plate  over  her  head  an'  burst  into  tears 
on  th'  flure,  where  gentle  sleep  soon  soothed  th'  pangs 
iv  a  weary  heart.  We  left  as  quitely  as  we  cud,  con- 
sidherin'  th'  way  th'  chairs  was  placed,  an'  wanst  un- 
dher  th'  stars  comminted  on  th'  ir'ny  iv  fate  that  con- 
dimned  so  great  a  man  to  so  milancholy  a  distiny." 
[161] 


Observations  by  Mr,  Dooley 

"  *  This,'  says  our  author,  '  was  th'  daily  life  iv  th' 
hayro  f'r  tin  years.  In  what  purgatory  will  that  in- 
famous woman  suffer  if  Hiven  thinks  as  much  iv  jan- 
iuses  as  we  think  iv  oursilves.  Forchnitly  th'  pote 
was  soon  to  be  marcifully  relieved.  He  left  her  an' 
she  marrid  a  boorjawce  with  whom  she  led  a  life  iv 
coarse  happiness.  It  is  sad  to  relate  that  some  years 
aftherward  th'  great  pote,  havin'  called  to  make  a  short 
touch  on  th'  woman  f'r  whom  he  had  sacryficed  so 
much,  was  unfeelingly  kicked  out  iv  th'  boorjawce's 
plumbin'  shop.' 

"  So,  ye  see,  Hinnissy,  why  a  woman  oughtn't  to 
marry  a  janius.  She  can't  be  cross  or  peevish  or  an- 
gry or  jealous  or  frivolous  or  anny thing  else  a  woman 
ought  to  be  at  times  f'r  fear  it  will  get  into  th'  ditch- 
n'ry  iv  bio-graphy,  an'  she'll  go  down  to  histhry  as  a 
termygant.  A  termygant,  Hinnissy,  is  a  woman  who's 
heerd  talkin'  to  her  husband  after  they've  been  marrid 
a  year.  Hogan  says  all  j  aniuses  was  unhappily  mar- 
rid. I  guess  that's  thrue  iv  their  wives,  too.  He 
says  if  ye  hear  iv  a  pote  who  got  on  with  his  fam'ly, 
scratch  him  fr'm  ye'er  public  lib'ry  list.  An'  there 
ye  ar-re." 

"  Ye  know  a  lot  about  marredge,"  said  Mr.  Hen- 
nessy. 

"  I  do,"  said  Mr.  Dooley. 

''  Ye  was  niver  marrid  ?  " 

"  No,"  said  Mr.  Dooley.  "  No,  I  say,  givin'  three 
cheers.  I  know  about  marredge  th'  way  an  asthrono- 
mer  knows  about  th'  stars.  I'm  studyin'  it  through 
me  glass  all  th'  time." 

[162] 


Home  Life  of  Geniuses 

"  Ye're  an  asthronomer,"  said  Mr.  Hennessj ; 
"  but,"  he  added,  tapping  himself  Hghtly  on  the  chest, 
"  I'm  a  star." 

'*  Go  home,"  said  Mr.  Dooley  crossly,  "  befure  th* 
momin'  comes  to  put  ye  out." 


[163] 


Reform  Administration 


REFORM    ADMINISTRATION 

"  X  ^  THY  is  it,"  asked  Mr.  Hennessy,  "  that  a 
\/\/  rayform  administhration  always  goes  to 
▼     ▼      th'bad?" 

"  I'll  tell  ye,"  said  Mr.  Dooley.  "  I  tell  ye  ivry- 
thing  an'  I'll  tell  ye  this.  In  th'  first  place  'tis  a 
gr-reat  mistake  to  think  that  annywan  ra-aly  wants 
to  rayform.  Ye  niver  heerd  iv  a  man  rayformin'  him- 
silf.  He'll  rayform  other  people  gladly.  He  likes  to 
do  it.  But  a  healthy  man'll  niver  rayform  while  he 
has  th'  strenth.  A  man  doesn't  rayform  till  his  will 
has  been  impaired  so  he  hasn't  power  to  resist  what  th' 
pa-apers  calls  th'  blandishments  iv  th'  timpter.  An' 
that's  thruer  in  politics  thin  annywhere  else. 

"  But  a  rayformer  don't  see  it.  A  rayformer  thinks 
he  was  ilicted  because  he  was  a  rayformer,  whin  th' 
thruth  iv  th'  matther  is  he  was  ilicted  because  no  wan 
knew  him.  Ye  can  always  ilict  a  man  in  this  counthry 
on  that  platform.  If  I  was  runnin'  Tr  office,  I'd 
change  me  name,  an'  have  printed  on  me  cards :  '  Give 
him  a  chanst ;  he  can't  be  worse.'  He's  ilicted  because 
th'  people  don't  know  him  an'  do  know  th'  other  la-ad ; 
because  Mrs.  Casey's  oldest  boy  was  clubbed  be  a  polis- 
man,  because  we  cudden't  get  wather  above  th'  third 
story  wan  day,  because  th'  sthreet  car  didn't  stop  fr  us, 
because  th'  Flannigans  bought  a  pianny,  because  we 
was  near  run  over  be  a  mail  wagon,  because  th'  saloons 

1 167  ] 


Observations  by  Mr,  Dooley 

are  open  Sundah  night,  because  they're  not  open  all 
day,  an'  because  we're  tired  seein'  th'  same  face  at  th' 
window  whin  we  go  down  to  pay  th'  wather  taxes.  Th' 
rayformer  don't  know  this.  He  thinks  you  an'  me, 
Hinnissy,  has  been  watchin'  his  spotless  career  f'r 
twinty  years,  that  we've  read  all  he  had  to  say  on  th' 
evils  iv  pop'lar  suff erage  befure  th'  Society  Pr  the  Be- 
wildermint  iv  th'  Poor,  an'  that  we're  achin'  in  ivry 
j  oint  to  have  him  dhrag  us  be  th'  hair  iv  th'  head  f r'm 
th'  flowin'  bowl  an'  th'  short  card  game,  make  good 
citizens  iv  us  an'  sind  us  to  th'  pinitinchry.  So  th' 
minyit  he  gets  into  th'  job  he  begins  a  furyous  at- 
timpt  to  convart  us  into  what  we've  been  thryin'  not 
to  be  iver.  since  we  come  into  th'  wurruld. 

"  In  th'  coorse  iv  th'  twinty  years  that  he  spint  at- 
timptin'  to  get  office,  he  managed  to  poke  a  few 
warrum  laws  conthrollin'  th'  pleasures  iv  th'  poor  into 
th'  stachoo  book,  because  no  wan  cared  about  thim  or 
because  they  made  business  betther  f'r  th'  pohs,  an' 
whin  he's  in  office,  he  calls  up  th'  Cap'n  iv  the  polis  an' 
says  he :  'If  these  laws  ar-re  bad  laws  th'  way  to  end 
thim  is  to  enfoorce  thim.'  Somebody  told  him  that, 
Hinnissy.  It  isn't  thrue,  d'ye  mind.  I  don't  care 
who  said  it,  not  if  'twas  Willum  Shakespere.  It  isn't 
thrue.  Laws  ar-re  made  to  throuble  people  an'  th' 
more  throuble  they  make  th'  longer  they  stay  on  th' 
stachoo  book.  But  th'  polis  don't  ast  anny  questions. 
Says  they:  '  They'll  be  less  money  in  th'  job  but  we 
need  some  recreation,'  an'  that  night  a  big  copper 
comes  down  th'  sthreet,  sees  me  settin'  out  on  th'  front 
stoop  with  me  countenance  dhraped  with  a  tin  pail, 
[168] 


Reform  Administration 

fans  me  with  his  club  an'  runs  me  in.  Th'  woman  nex* 
dure  is  locked  up  f'r  sthringin'  a  clothes  line  on  th' 
roof,  Hannigan's  boy  Tim  gets  tin  days  f'r  keepin'  a 
goat,  th'  polis  resarves  are  called  out  to  protict  th' 
vested  rights  iv  property  against  th'  haynyous  push- 
cart man,  th'  stations  is  crowded  with  felons  charged 
with  maintainin'  a  hose  conthrary  to  th'  stachoos  made 
an'  provided,  an'  th'  tindherline  is  all  over  town.  A 
rayformer  don't  think  annything  has  been  accom- 
plished if  they'se  a  vacant  bedroom  in  th'  pinitinchry. 
His  motto  is  '  Arrest  that  man.' 

"  Whin  a  rayformer  is  ilicted  he  promises  ye  a  busi- 
ness administhration.  Some  people  want  that  but  I 
don't.  Th'  American  business  man  is  too  fly.  He's  all 
right,  d'ye  mind.  I  don't  say  annything  again'  him. 
He  is  what  Hogan  calls  th'  boolwarks  iv  pro-gress,  an' 
we  cudden't  get  on  without  him  even  if  his  scales  are  a 
little  too  quick  on  th'  dhrop.  But  he  ought  to  be  left 
to  dale  with  his  akels.  'Tis  a  shame  to  give  him  a 
place  where  he  can  put  th'  comether  on  millions  iv  peo- 
ple that  has  had  no  business  thrainin'  beyond  occa- 
sionally handin'  a  piece  iv  debased  money  to  a  car 
conductor  on  a  cold  day.  A  reg'lar  poUytician  can't 
give  away  an  alley  without  blushin',  but  a  business 
man  who  is  in  pollytics  jus'  to  see  that  th'  civil  sarvice 
law  gets  thurly  enfoorced,  will  give  Lincoln  Park  an' 
th'  public  libr'y  to  th'  beef  thrust,  charge  an  admission 
price  to  th'  lake  front  an'  make  it  a  felony  f'r  annywan 
to  buy  stove  polish  outside  iv  his  store,  an'  have  it  all 
put  down  to  public  improvemints  with  a  pitcher  iv  him 
in  th'  comer  stone. 

[  169  ] 


Observations  by  Mr,  Dooley 

"  Fortchnitly,  Hinnlssy,  a  rayformer  is  seldom  a 
business  man.  He  thinks  he  is,  but  business  men  know 
difF'rent.  They  know  what  he  is.  He  thinks  business 
an'  honesty  is  th'  same  thing.  He  does,  indeed.  He's 
got  thim  mixed  because  they  dhress  alike.  His  idee  is 
that  all  he  has  to  do  to  make  a  business  administhration 
is  to  have  honest  men  ar-round  him.  Wrong.  I'm  not 
sayin',  mind  ye,  that  a  man  can't  do  good  work  an'  be 
honest  at  th'  same  time.  But  whin  I'm  hirin'  a  la-ad  I 
find  out  first  whether  he  is  onto  his  job,  an'  afther  a  few 
years  I  begin  to  suspect  that  he  is  honest,  too. 
Manny  a  dishonest  man  can  lay  brick  sthraight  an' 
manny  a  man  that  wudden't  steal  ye'er  spoons  will 
break  ye'er  furniture.  I  don't  want  Father  Kelly  to 
hear  me,  but  I'd  rather  have  a  competint  man  who  wud 
steal  if  I  give  him  a  chanst,  but  I  won't,  do  me  plumbin' 
thin  a  person  that  wud  scorn  to  help  himsilf  but  didn't 
know  how  to  wipe  a  joint.  Ivry  man  ought  to  be  hon- 
est to  start  with,  but  to  give  a  man  an  office  jus'  be- 
cause he's  honest  is  like  ilictin'  him  to  Congress  because 
he's  a  pathrite,  because  he  don't  bate  his  wife  or  be- 
cause he  always  wears  a  right  boot  on  th'  right  foot. 
A  man  ought  to  be  honest  to  start  with  an'  afther  that 
he  ought  to  be  crafty.  A  pollytician  who's  on'y  hon- 
est is  jus'  th'  same  as  bein'  out  in  a  winther  storm  with- 
out anny  clothes  on. 

"  Another  thing  about  rayform  administhrations  is 
they  always  think  th'  on'y  man  that  ought  to  hold  a 
job  is  a  lawyer.  Th'  raison  is  that  in  th'  coorse  iv  his 
thrainin'  a  lawyer  lams  enough  about  ivry  thing  to 
make  a  good  front  on  anny  subject  to  annybody  who 
[170] 


Reform  Administration 

doesn't  know  about  it.  So  whin  th'  ray  form  adminis- 
thration  comes  in  th'  mayor  says :  '  Who'll  we  make 
chief  iv  polis  in  place  iv  th'  mis^ided  ruffyan  who 
has  held  th'  job  f'r  twinty  years?  '  '  Th'  man  f'r  th' 
place,'  says  th'  mayor's  adviser,  '  is  Arthur  Lightout,' 
he  says.  '  He's  an  ixcillent  lawyer,  Yale,  '95,  an' 
is  well  up  on  polis  matthers.  Las'  year  he  read  a 
paper  on  "  The  fine  polis  foorce  iv  London  "  befure 
th'  annyal  meetin'  iv  th'  S'ciety  f'r  Ladin'  th' 
Mulligan  Fam'ly  to  a  Betther  an'  Harder  Life. 
Besides,'  he  says,  '  he's  been  in  th'  milishy  an'  th' 
foorce  needs  a  man  who'll  be  afraid  not  to, shoot  in 
case  iv  public  disturbance.'  So  Arthur  takes  hold 
iv  th'  constabulary  an'  in  a  year  th'  polis  can  all 
read  Emerson  an'  th'  burglars  begin  puttin'  up 
laddhers  an'  block  an'  tackles  befure  eight  a.m.  An' 
so  it  is  on  ivry  side.  A  lawyer  has  charge  iv  the 
city  horse-shoein',  another  wan  is  clanin'  th'  sthreets, 
th'  author  iv  '  Gasamagoo  on  torts '  is  thryin'  to  dis- 
pose iv  th'  ashes  be  throwin'  thim  in  th'  air  on  a 
windy  day,  an'  th'  bright  boy  that  took  th'  silver  ware 
f'r  th'  essay  on  ne  exeats  an'  their  relation  to  life  is 
plannin'  a  uniform  that  will  be  sarviceable  an'  con- 
stitchoochinal  f'r  th'  brave  men  that  wurruks  on  th' 
city  dumps.  An'  wan  day  th'  main  rayformer  goes 
out  expictin'  to  rayceive  th'  thanks  iv  th'  community 
an'  th'  public  that  has  jus'  got  out  iv  jail  f'r  lettin'  th' 
wather  run  too  long  in  th'  bath  tub  rises  up  an'  cries : 
*  Back  to  th'  Univarsity  Settlemint.'  Th'  man  with 
th'  di'mon'  in  his  shirt  front  comes  home  an'  pushes  th' 
honest  lawyers  down  th'  steps,  an'  a  dishonest  horse 
[171] 


Ohsei'vations  by  Mr,  Dooley 

shoer  shoes  th'  city's  horses  well,  an'  a  crooked  plumber 
does  th'  city's  plumbin'  securely,  an'  a  rascally  polis- 
man  that  may  not  be  avarse  to  pickin'  up  a  bet  but 
will  always  find  out  whin  Pathrolman  Scanlan  slept 
on  his  beat,  takes  hold  iv  th'  polis  foorce,  an'  we  ray- 
sume  our  nachral  condition  iv  illagal  merrimint.  An' 
th'  ray  former  spinds  th'  rest  iv  his  life  tellin'  us  where 
we  are  wrong.  He's  good  at  that.  On'y  he  don't 
undherstand  that  people  wud  rather  be  wrong  an' 
comfortable  thin  right  in  jail." 

"  I  don't  like  a  rayformer,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy. 

"  Or  anny  other  raypublican,"  said  Mr.  Dooley. 


[172] 


Work  and  Sport 


WORK    AND    SPORT 


«      1^        HARD  time  th'  rich  have  injyin'  hfe,"  said 

/-\       Mr.  Dooley. 
XX."  I'd  thrade  with  thim,"  said  Mr.  Hen- 
nessy. 

"  I  wud  not,"  said  Mr.  Dooley.  "  'Tis  too  much 
like  hard  wurruk.  If  I  iver  got  hold  iv  a  little  mound 
iv  th'  money,  divvle  th'  bit  iv  hardship  wud  I  inflict 
on  mesilf.  I'd  set  on  a  large  Turkish  sofa  an'  have 
dancin'  girls  dancin'  an'  a  mandolin  orchesthree  play- 
in'  to  me.  I  wudden't  move  a  step  without  bein'  car- 
rid.  I'd  go  to  bed  with  th'  lark  an'  get  up  with  th' 
night  watchman.  If  annywan  suggested  physical 
exercise  to  me,  I'd  give  him  forty  dollars  to  go  away. 
I'd  hire  a  prize  fighter  to  do  me  fightin'  f 'r  me,  a  pe- 
desthreen  to  do  me  walkin',  a  jockey  to  do  me  ridin', 
an'  a  colledge  pro-fissor  to  do  me  thinkin'.  Here  I'd 
set  with  a  naygur  fannin'  me  with  osterich  feathers, 
lookin'  ca'mly  out  through  me  stained  glass  windies 
on  th'  roUin'  mills,  smokin'  me  good  five  cint  seegar 
an'  rejicin'  to  know  how  bad  ye  mus'  be  feelin'  ivry 
time  ye  think  iv  me  hoorded  wealth. 

"  But  that  ain't  th'  way  it  comes  out,  Hinnissy. 
Higgins,  the  millyionaire,  had  th'  same  idee  as  me 
whin  he  was  beginnin'  to  breed  money  with  a  dollar  he 
ownded  an'  a  dollar  he  took  fr'm  some  wan  that  wasn't 
there  at  th'  time.  While  he  was  hammerin'  hoops  on 
[175] 


Observations  hy  Mr,  Dooley 

a  bar'l  or  dhrivin'  pegs  into  a  shoe,  he'd  stop  wanst 
in  a  while  to  wipe  th'  sweat  off  his  brow  whin  th'  boss 
wasn't  lookin'  an'  he'd  say  to  himsilf :  '  If  I  iver  get 
it,  I'll  have  a  man  wheel  me  around  on  a  chair.'  But 
as  his  stable  grows  an'  he  herds  large  dhroves  down 
to  th'  bank  ivry  week,  he  changes  his  mind,  an'  whin 
he's  got  enough  to  injye  life,  as  they  say,  he  finds  he's 
up  against  it.  His  throubles  has  just  begun.  I  know 
in  his  heart  Higgins'  ideel  iv  luxury  is  enough  buck- 
wheat cakes  an'  a  cozy  comer  in  a  Turkish  bath,  but 
he  can't  injye  it.  He  mus'  be  up  an'  doin'.  An'  th' 
on'y  things  annywan  around  him  is  up  an'  doin'  is 
th'  things  he  used  to  get  paid  f 'r  doin'  whin  he  was  a 
young  man. 

"  Arly  in  th'  momin'  Higgins  has  got  to  be  out  ex- 
ercisin'  a  horse  to  keep  th'  horse  in  good  health.  Hig- 
gins has  no  business  on  a  horse  an'  he  knows  it.  He 
was  built  an'  idycated  fr  a  cooper  an'  th'  horse  don't 
fit  him.  Th'  nachral  way  Pr  Higgins  to  ride  a  horse 
is  to  set  well  aft  an'  hang  onto  th'  ears.  But  he's  toP 
that's  wrong  an'  he's  made  to  set  up  sthraight  an'  be 
a  good  fellow  an'  meet  th'  horse  half  way.  An'  if  th' 
horse  don't  run  away  with  Higgins  an'  kill  him,  he's 
tol'  it's  not  a  good  horse  an'  he  ought  to  sell  it.  An' 
mind  ye,  he  pays  f'r  that  though  he  can't  help  ray- 
mimberin'  th'  man  nex'  dure  fr'm  him  used  to  get  tin 
dollars  a  week  Tr  th'  same  job. 

"  Whin  he  was  a  young  man,  Higgins  knowed  a 

fellow  that  dhruv  four  horses  f'r  a  brewery.     They 

paid  him  well,  but  he  hated  his  job.     He  used  to  come 

in  at  night  an'  wish  his  parents   had  made  him  a 

[176] 


Wo7^k  and  Sport 

cooper,  an'  Higgins  pitied  him,  knowin'  he  cuddcn'l 
get  out  a  life  insurance  policy  an'  his  wife  was  scared 
to  death  all  th'  time.  Now  that  Higgins  has  got  th' 
money,  he's  took  th'  brewery  man's  job  with  worse 
horses  an'  him  barred  fr'm  dhrivin'  with  more  thin 
wan  hand.  An'  does  he  get  annything  f'r  it?  On 
th'  conth'ry,  Hinnissy,  it  sets  him  back  a  large  for- 
chune.  An'  he  says  he's  havin'  a  good  time  an'  if  th' 
brewery  man  come  along  an'  felt  sorry  f'r  him,  Hig- 
gins wudden't  exactly  know  why. 

"  Higgins  has  to  sail  a  yacht  ra3Tiiimberin'  how  he 
despised  th'  Swede  sailors  that  used  to  loaf  in  th'  sa- 
loon near  his  house  durin'  th'  winter ;  he  has  to  run  an 
autymobill,  which  is  th'  same  thing  as  dhrivin'  a  throl- 
ley  car  on  a  windy  day  without  pay ;  he  has  to  play 
golf,  which  is  th'  same  thing  as  bein'  a  letther-carryer 
without  a  dacint  uniform ;  he  has  to  play  tennis,  which 
is  another  wurrud  Tr  batin'  a  carpet;  he  has  to  race 
horses,  which  is  the  same  thing  as  bein'  a  bookmaker 
with  th'  chances  again'  ye;  he  has  to  go  abroad, 
which  is  th'  same  thing  as  bein'  an  immigrant ;  he  has 
to  set  up  late,  which  is  th'  same  thing  as  bein'  a  dhrug 
clerk ;  an'  he  has  to  play  cards  with  a  man  that  knows 
how,  which  is  th'  same  thing  as  bein'  a  sucker. 

"  He  takes  his  good  times  hard,  Hinnissy.  A  rich 
man  at  spoort  is  a  kind  iv  non-union  laborer.  He 
don't  get  wages  Tr  it  an'  he  don't  dhrive  as  well  as  a 
milkman,  ride  as  well  as  a  stable-boy,  shoot  as  well 
as  a  polisman,  or  autymobill  as  well  as  th'  man  that 
runs  th'  steam-roller.  It's  a  tough  life.  They'se  no 
rest  f'r  th'  rich  an'  weary.  We'll  be  readin'  in  th' 
[177] 


Observations  by  Mr,  Dooley 

pa-apers  wan  iv  these  days :  *  Alonzo  Higgins,  th' 
runner  up  in  las'  year's  champeenship,  showed  gr-reat 
improvement  in  this  year's  brick  layin'  tournymint  at 
Newport,  an'  won  handily  with  about  tin  square  feet 
to  spare.  He  was  nobly  assisted  be  Regynald  Van 
Stinyvant,  who  acted  as  his  hod  carryer  an'  displayed 
all  th'  agility  which  won  him  so  much  applause  arlier 
in  th'  year. 

"  «  Th'  Pickaways  carrid  off  all  th'  honors  in  th' 
sewer-diggin'  contest  yesterdah,  defatin'  th'  Spade- 
wells  be  five  holes  to  wan.  Th'  shovel  wurruk  iv  Cas- 
sidy  th'  banker  was  spicially  noticeable.  Th'  colors 
iv  th'  Pickaways  was  red  flannel  undhershirts  an'  dark 
brown  trousers. 

"  '  Ray  creations  iv  rich  men :  Jawn  W.  Grates  an' 
J.  Pierpont  Morgan  ar-re  to  have  a  five  days'  shing- 
lin'  contest  at  Narragansett  Pier.  George  Gold  is 
thrainin'  f'r  th'  autumn  plumbin'  jimkanny.  Mitch- 
igan  avnoo  is  tore  up  fr'm  Van  Buren  sthreet  to  th' 
belt  line  in  priparation  f'r  th'  contest  in  sthreet  layin' 
between  mimbers  iv  th'  Assocyation  iv  More-Thin- 
Rich  Spoorts.  Th'  sledge  teams  is  completed  but  a 
few  good  tampers  an'  wather  men  is  needed.' 

"  An'  why  not,  Hinnissy  ?  If  'tis  fun  to  wurruk 
why  not  do  some  rale  wurruk?  If  'tis  spoort  to  run 
an  autymobill,  why  not  run  a  locymotive.?  If  dhriv- 
in'  a  horse  in  a  cart  is  a  game,  why  not  dhrive  a  de- 
livery wagon  an'  carry  things  around.''  Sure,  I 
s'pose  th'  raison  a  rich  man  can't  undherstand  why 
wages  shud  go  higher  is  because  th'  rich  can't  see  why 
annybody  shud  be  paid  f'r  annything  so  amusin'  as 
[178] 


Work  and  Sport 

wumik.  I  bet  ye  Higgins  is  wondherin'  at  this  mo- 
ment why  he  was  paid  so  much  f'r  puttin'  rings 
around  a  bar'l. 

"  No,  sir,  what's  a  rich  man's  raycreation  is  a  poor 
man's  wurruk.  Th'  poor  ar-re  th'  on'y  people  that 
know  how  to  injye  wealth.  Me  idee  iv  settin'  things 
sthraight  is  to  have  th'  rich  who  wurruk  because  they 
hke  it,  do  th'  wurruk  f'r  th'  poor  who  wud  rather  rest. 
I'll  be  happy  th'  day  I  see  wan  iv  th'  Hankerbilts 
pushin'  ye'er  little  go-cart  up  th'  platform  while  ye 
set  in  th'  shade  iv  a  three  an'  cheer  him  on  his  way. 
I'm  sure  he'd  do  it  if  ye  called  it  a  spoort  an'  tol  him 
th'  first  man  to  th'  dump  wud  be  entitled  to  do  it  over 
again  against  sthronger  men  nex'  week.  Wud  ye 
give  him  a  tin  cup  that  he  cud  put  his  name  on.'' 
Wud  ye,  Hinnissy.?     I'm  sure  ye  wud." 

"  Why  do  they  do  \t?  "  asked  Mr.  Hennessy. 

"  I  dinnaw,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "  onless  it  is  that  th' 
wan  great  object  iv  ivry  man's  life  is  to  get  tired 
enough  to  sleep.  Ivrything  seems  to  be  some  kind  iv 
wurruk.  Wurruk  is  wurruk  if  ye're  paid  to  do  it  an' 
it's  pleasure  if  ye  pay  to  be  allowed  to  do  it." 


[179] 


The  News  of  a  Week 


THE    NEWS    OF    A    WEEK 


"  X '^  THAT'S   goin'   on  this   week   in   th'   pa- 
\/\/    apers ?  "  asked  Mr.  Hennessy. 
▼     ▼  u  Ivrything,"  said  Mr.  Dooley.     "  It's 

been  a  turbylint  week.  I  can  hardly  sleep  iv  nights 
thinkin'  iv  th'  doin's  iv  people.  Th'  campinily  at 
Venice  has  fallen  down.  'Twas  built  in  1604  be  th' 
Beezantiums  an'  ray  stored  in  1402  be  th'  Dogs,  It 
fell  down  because  th'  foundations  was  weak,  because 
th'  wind  blew,  because  th'  beautiful  figure  iv  th' 
goolden  angel  on  top  iv  it  was  fifteen  feet  high.  It 
will  be  rebuilt  or  maybe  not.  Th'  king  iv  Italy  has- 
given  thirty-three  billion  liars  to  put  it  up  again, 
an'  siv'ral  ladin'  American  archytects  have  offered  to 
do  th'  j.ob,  makin'  an  office  buildin'  iv  it.  Th'  cam- 
pinily was  wan  iv  th'  proudest  mony mints  iv  Italy  an' 
was  used  as  a  bell-tower  at  times,  an'  at  other  times  as 
a  gazabo  where  anny  American  cud  take  a  peek  at  th' 
gran'  canal  an'  compare  it  with  th'  Erie,  th'  Panny- 
ma  an'  th'  dhrainage  iv  the  same  name. 

"  Th'  king  iv  England  is  betther.  He's  off  in  his 
yacht.  So  ar-re  Laking,  Treves,  Smith,  Barlow, 
Jones,  Casey,  Lister,  thank  Hiven !  A  hard  life  is 
science.  Th'  Hon'rable  Joseph  Choate  is  raycov- 
erin'  more  slowly.  He  still  sobs  occas'nally  in  his 
sleep  an'  has  ordhered  all  th'  undher  sicreties  to 
have  their  vermyform  appindixes  raymoved  as  a 
[18S] 


Observations  by  Mr,  Dooley 

token  iv  rayspict  f'r  th'  sthricken  nation.  Th' 
Hon'rable  Whitelaw  Reid  is  havin'  a  cast  iv  his  knee 
breeches  made,  which  will  be  exhibited  in  New  York 
durin'  th'  comin'  winter. 

"  Me  frind,  J.  Pierpont  Morgan,  has  been  takin' 
dinner  with  th'  Impror  Willum.  It  is  undherstud  he 
will  presint  him  to  th'  Methropolytan  Museem  iv  Art. 
There  are  said  to  be  worse  things  there. 

"  Lord  Salisberry  has  thrun  up  his  job.  Lord 
Salisberry  was  wan  iv  th'  grandest  an'  mos'  succissful 
statesmen  iv  modhren  times.  He  niver  did  anny- 
thing.  He  is  succeeded  be  his  newew,  Misther  Bal- 
four, if  I  get  th'  name  right,  who  has  done  less.  It 
is  expicted  that  Misther  Balfour  will  have  a  good 
time.  On  rayceivin'  th'  congrathylations  iv  his  col- 
league, Misther  Chamberlain,  he  bought  himsilf  a 
rayvolver  an'  took  out  a  policy  on  his  life. 

"  A  lady  down  east  woke  her  husband  up  to  tell 
him  there  was  a  burglar  in  th'  house.  Th'  foolish 
woman.  They'se  always  burglars  in  th'  house. 
That's  what  burglars  are  f'r,  an'  houses.  Instead  iv 
argyin'  th'  pint  in  a  loud  voice,  coughin'  an'  givin' 
th'  burglar  a  chance  to  lave  with  dignity,  this  man 
got  up  an'  was  kilt.  Now  th'  pa-apers  with  th'  as- 
sistance iv  th'  officers  iv  th'  law  has  discovered  that  th' 
lady  took  a  boat  ride  with  a  gintleman  frind  in  th' 
summer  iv  sixty-two,  that  she  wanst  quarreled  with 
her  husband  about  th'  price  iv  a  hat,  that  wan  iv  her 
lower  teeth  is  plugged,  that  she  wears  a  switch  an' 
that  she  weeps  whin  she  sees  her  childher.  They'se  a 
moral  in  this.  It's  ay  ether  don't  wake  a  man  up  out 
[  184  ] 


The  News  of  a  Week 

iv  a  sound  sleep,  or  don't  get  out  iv  bed  till  ye  have  to, 
or  don't  bother  a  burglar  whin  ye  see  he's  busy,  or  kill 
th'  iditor.     I  don't  know  which  it  is. 

"  Willum  Jennings  Bryan  is  readin'  me  frind 
Grover  Cleveland  out  iv  th'  party.  He's  usin'  the 
Commoner  to  read  him  out.     That's  a  sure  way. 

"  Mary  McLane  has  been  in  town.  I  didn't  see 
her,  me  place  not  bein'  a  ray  sort  f'r  th'  young  an' 
yearnin',  an'  especially  me  duckin'  all  lithry  ladies  iv 
whativer  sex.  Mary  McLane  is  th'  author  iv  a  book 
called :  '  Whin  I  am  older  I'll  know  betther.'  Ye 
ought  to  read  it,  Hinnissy. 

"  Th'  Newport  season  is  opened  with  gr-reat  gay- 
ety  an'  th'  aim  iv  rayturnin'  husbands  is  much  more 
sure. 

"  Gin'ral  Bragg  fr'm  up  in  Wisconsin  has  been 
gettin'  into  throuble  with  our  haughty  allies,  th'  Cu- 
bians,  he  writin'  home  to  his  wife  that  ye  might  as 
well  thry  to  make  a  whistle  out  iv  a  pig's  tail  as  a  da- 
cint  man  out  iv  a  Cubian.  Gin'ral  Bragg  will  be 
bounced  an'  he  ought  to  be.  He  don't  belong  in 
pollytics.     His  place  is  iditor  iv  a  losin'  newspaper. 

"  Gov'nor  Taf t  has  been  in  Rome  showin'  th'  # 
wurruld  how  succissful,  sthraight forward,  downright, 
outspoken,  manly,  frank,  fourteen  ounces  to  th'  pound 
American  business  dalings  can  be  again'  th'  worn-out 
di-plomacy  iv  th'  papal  coort.  Whin  last  heerd  fr'm 
this  astoot  an'  able  man,  backed  up  be  th'  advice  iv 
Elihoo  Root  iv  York  state,  was  makin'  his  way 
tow'rd  Manila  on  foot,  an'  siv'ral  mimbers  iv  th* 
colledge  iv  cardinals  was  heerd  to  regret  that  Amen- 
''  [  185  ] 


Observations  by  Mr.  Dooley 

can  statesmen  were  so  thin  they  cudden't  find  any- 
thing to  fit  thim  in  his  thrunk. 

"  Cholera  is  ragin'  in  th'  Ph'lippeens  vice  Gin'ral 
Jake  Smith,  raymoved. 

"  Th'  stock  market  is  boomin'  an'  business  has  be- 
come so  dull  elsewhere  that  some  iv  th'  best  known 
outside  operators  ar-re  obliged  to  increase  th'  depth 
iv  th'  goold  coatin'  on  th'  brick  to  nearly  an  inch. 

"  Th'  capital  iv  th'  nation  has  raymoved  to  Eyes- 
ther  Bay,  a  city  on  th'  north  shore  iv  Long  Island, 
with  a  popylation  iv  three  millyion  clams,  an'  a  num- 
ber iv  mosquitos  with  pianola  attachments  an'  steel 
rams.  There  day  be  day  th'  head  iv  th'  nation  thran- 
sacts  th'  nation's  business  as  follows:  four  a.m.,  a 
plunge  into  th'  salt,  salt  sea  an'  a  swim  iv  twenty 
miles;  five  a.m.,  horse-back  ride,  th'  prisidint  in- 
sthructin'  his  two  sons,  aged  two  and  four  rayspic- 
tively,  to  jump  th'  first  Methodist  church  without 
knockin'  off  th-  shingles;  six  a.m.,  wrestles  with  a 
thrained  grizzly  bear;  sivin  a.m.,  breakfast;  eight 
a.m.,  Indyan  clubs;  nine  a.m.,  boxes  with  Sharkey; 
tin  A.M.,  bates  th'  tinnis  champeen;  iliven  a.m.,  ray- 
ceives  a  band  iv  rough  riders  an'  person'lly  super- 
vises th'  sindin'  iv  th'  ambylance  to  look  afther  th'  in- 
jured in  th'  village;  noon,  dinner  with  Sharkey, 
Oscar  Featherstone,  th'  champeen  roller-skater  iv 
Harvard,  '98,  Pro-fissor  McGlue,  th'  archyologist, 
Lord  Dum  de  Dum,  Mike  Kehoe,  Immanuel  Kant 
Gumbo,  th'  naygro  pote.  Horrible  Hank,  t'  bad  lands 
scout,  Sinitor  Lodge,  Lucy  Emerson  Tick,  th'  writer 
on  female  sufferage,  Mud-in-the-Eye,  th'  chief  iv  th' 
[186] 


The  News  of  a  Week 

Ogallas,  Gin'ral  Powell  Clayton,  th'  Mexican  mine 
expert,  four  rough  riders  with  their  spurs  on,  th'  Am- 
bassadure  iv  France  an'  th'  Cinquovasti  fam'ly,  jug- 
glers. Th'  conversation,  we  larn  fr'm  wan  iv  th' 
guests  who's  our  spoortin'  iditor,  was  jined  in  be  th' 
prisidint  an'  dealt  with  art,  boxin',  lithrachoor,  horse- 
breakin',  science,  shootin',  pollytics,  how  to  kill  a 
mountain  line,  di-plomacy,  lobbing,  pothry,  th'  pivot 
blow,  rayform,  an'  th'  campaign  in  Cubia.  Whin 
our  rayporther  was  dhriven  off  th'  premises  be  wan  iv 
th'  rough  riders,  th'  head  iv  th'  nation  was  tachin' 
Lord  Dum  de  Dum  an'  Sicrety  Hay  how  to  do  a  hand- 
spring, an'  th'  other  guests  was  scattered  about  th' 
lawn,  boxin',  rasslin',  swingin'  on  th'  thrapeze,  ridin' 
th'  buckin'  bronco  an'  shootin'  at  th'  naygro  pote  f 'r  th' 
dhrinks — in  short  enjyin'  an  ideel  day  in  th'  counthry. 

"  An'  that's  all  th'  news,"  said  Mr.  Dooley.  "  There 
ye  ar-re  jus'  as  if  ye  cud  read.  That's  all  that's  hap- 
pened. Ain't  I  a  good  newspaper  .^  Not  a  dull  line 
in  me.     Sind  in  ye'er  small  ads." 

"  Sure,  all  that's  no  news,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy,  dis- 
contentedly. "  Hasn't  there  anny thing  happened.'* 
Hasn't  anny  wan  been — been  kilt  ^  " 

"  There  ye  ar-re,"  said  Mr.  Dooley.  "  Be  news  ye 
mane  misfortune.  I  suppose  near  ivry  wan  does. 
What's  wan  man's  news  is  another  man's  throubles. 
In  these  hot  days,  I'd  like  to  see  a  pa-aper  with  naw- 
thin'  in  it  but  affectionate  wives  an'  loyal  husbands  an' 
prosp'rous,  smilin'  people  an'  money  in  th'  bank  an' 
three  a  day.  That's  what  I'm  lookin'  f'r  in  th'  hot 
weather." 

ri87] 


Observations  by  Mr.  Dooley 

"  Th'  newspapers  have  got  to  print  what  happens," 
said  Mr.  Hennessy. 

"  No,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "  they've  got  to  print 
what's  diff'rent.  Whiniver  they  begin  to  put  head- 
lines on  happiness,  contint,  varchoo,  an'  charity,  I'll 
know  things  is  goin'  as  wrong  with  this  counthry  as  I 
think  they  ar-re  ivry  naytional  campaign." 


[188] 


The  End  of  the  War 


THE    END    OF    THE    WAR 

"  ^^  T  HY  did  th'  Boers  quit  fightin'?  "  asked 
\/^/    Mr.  Hennessy. 
T     T  a  rp-j^,  supply  iv  British  gin'rals  give 

out,"  said  Mr.  Dooley.     "  They  were  fin'lly  crushed 
be  th'  surrindher  iv  Gin'ral  Lord  Mechoon. 

"  Up  to  that  time  th'  British  had  niver  gained  anny 
impcrtant  advantage.  They'd  surrindhered  ninety  or 
a  hundherd  thousan'  private  sojery,  thirty  or  forty 
colonels,  near  all  th'  officers  iv  th'  guards,  th'  North- 
umberland Fusileers  over  an'  over  again,  an'  Winston 
Churchill;  they'd  hurled  gr-reat  masses  iv  th'  Im- 
peeryal  Yeomanry  into  th'  prison  camps  iv  th'  Boers ; 
they'd  surrindhered  rifles,  an'  ammunition  an'  pom- 
pons an'  mules,  but  nary  a  British  gin'ral  among 
thim.  Although  a  smaller  foorce,  Hinnissy,  th' 
Boers  had  th'  advantage  iv  knowin'  ivry  foot  iv  th' 
ground  they  were  fightin'  on.  Manny  iv  thim  had 
just  gone  there,  while  th'  British  had  been  on  th' 
ground  f'r  three  years  with  an  opporchunity  to  f 'rget 
something  ivry  hour.  Th'  crafty  Dutch,  marchin' 
almost  as  well  be  bright  moonlight  as  in  th'  day 
time,  proceedin'  without  rest  f'r  hours  at  a  time,  al- 
ways placin'  th'  catridge  in  th'  gun  befure  firin', 
hardy,  vigorous  an'  accustomed  to  th'  veldt,  had 
eluded  all  attempts  to  hand  thim  th'  roast  beef  iv 
Merry  England  in  th'  shape  iv  a  gin'ral. 

[  191  ] 


Observations  by  Mr.  Dooley 

"  But  whin  Gin'ral,  me  Lord  Kitchener,  th'  Great 
Coon  Conqueror,  wint  to  South  Africa,  like  th'  stem 
an'  remorseless  warryor  that  he  is,  he  detarmined  to 
niver  rest  till  he  had  desthroyed  th'  inimy.  In  less 
thin  two  years,  he  had  evolved  his  sthrategy.  I  will 
tell  ye  what  it  was,  because  ye're  inthrested  in  mili- 
tary plans.  He  spread  his  magnificent  army  iv  gal- 
lant Britons  out  in  a  long  line  that  sthretched  clane 
acrost  th'  counthry,  wan  yeoman  deep.  Thin,  ac- 
companied be  his  sub-gin'rals,  he  moved  out  in  th' 
followin'  ordher.  I'll  dhraw  it  f'r  ye,  as  I  see  it  in 
th'  pa-aper.    Here  ye  ar-re : 

"  The  band, 

"  Gin'ral  Lord  Kitchener,  K.C.B.,  K.N.,  K.L.K. 
G.K.R.  (with  medals), 

"  The  other  gin'rals, 

"  Pianos,  Pianolas,  Cottage  Organs,  Ping  Pong 
Sets,  Tennis  Bats,  Bridge  Scores,  Cricket  Stumps, 
War  Corryspondints, 

"  Th'  Avingin'  Line, 

"  Their  horses, 

"  Their  ammunition, 

"  Their  Food,  and 

"  Their  Rifles. 

"  As  th'  dhread  formation  moved  off  in  th'  bright 
sunlight  iv  that  fair  day  in  March,  with  th'  band 
playin'  a  quick  shtep  an'  th'  colors  flyin'  in  th'  air, 
it  was  a  sight  to  make  ivry  Englishman  proud  iv  th' 
fact  that  he  had  to  be  an  Englishman.  Detarmina- 
tion  was  written  in  ivry  face — th'  detarmination  to 
go  on  at  anny  risk  till  tea  time.  No  flinchin',  no 
[192] 


The  End  of  the  War 

hisltation,  ivry  man  with  his  head  erect  an'  th'  feelln' 
in  his  heart  that  on  him  rested  th'  security  iv  th' 
impire  if  so.  On,  an'  iver  on  they  marched,  fr'm 
Spimfontein,  past  th'  gleamin'  spires  iv  Wa-aber- 
neck,  till  they  saw  in  th'  distance  th'  long,  low  line 
iv  purple  light  that  marked  th'  walls  iv  Boobenas- 
tofein.  It  was  thin  four  o'clock  p.m.,  an'  th'  column 
halted  while  th'  bugles  blew  th'  cheery  call  to  tea. 
Eager  hands  unshipped  th'  marmalade  an'  opened 
th'  caddies,  bread  was  toasted  on  th'  small  stoves 
carrid  be  ivry  officer's  valet,  th'  pickets  an'  scouts 
wxre  dispatched  f'r  plum  cake  an'  f'rgettin'  f'r  a 
moment  th'  thriles  iv  th'  campaign,  th'  rough  war- 
ryors  indulged  in  that  repast  that  has  done  so  much 
to  make  Englishmen  what  they  are.  At  siven,  havin' 
taken  all  precautions,  havin'  placed  th'  powdher  in 
a  cool  runnin'  brook  an'  tethered  th'  mules  to  th' 
rifles,  th'  vast  army  slept.  It  was  breakfast  time 
whin  th'  God  iv  Slumber  was  dhriven  off  be  th'  other 
British  God  iv  Appetite.  Such,  Hinnissy,  is  th' 
brief  story  iv  Gin'ral  Kitchener's  cillybrated  dhrive, 
as  I  read  it  in  th'  pa-apers. 

"  To  some  extint  it  was  succissful  an'  to  some  other 
extints  not.  Th'  bands  were  good.  Th'  tea  was  fine, 
though  some  prefer  Oolong.  Rifles,  pompons,  mules, 
fusileers,  etcethry  had  been  lost.  But  not  wan  British 
gin'ral  had  been  captured.  Not  wan.  They  were  all 
at  breakfast  an'  th'  great  heart  iv  th'  British  nation 
was  sad.  Th'  great  heart  begun  to  grumble,  which 
is  a  way  th'  great  heart  iv  a  nation  has.  It  ast  what 
was  th'  use  iv  this  costly  manoover — if  they  was  as 
[193] 


Obsei'vations  by  Mr.  Dooley 

manny  gin'rals  left  afther  it  as  befure.  While  in 
this  mood,  it  was  ilicthryfied  be  a  piece  iv  startlin' 
intilligince.  Th'  whisper  ran  round,  grew  to  be  a 
murmur,  increased  to  a  roar,  mounted  to  a  shriek  that 
Mechoon  was  captured. 

"  It  seemed  too  good  to  be  thrue.  No  wan  cud 
believe  it  at  first.  But  fin'lly  it  was  officially  an- 
nounced in  Parlymint  be  that  hot  headed  ol'  pathrite. 
Lord  Salsberry  himsilf.  In  a  voice  choked  be  emotion 
he  arose  an'  give  three  cheers.  Afther  which  he  read 
Gin'ral  Kitchener's  dispatch :  *  I  have  th'  pleasure 
to  rayport  that  yisterdah  at  nine  o'clock  Lord 
Mechoon  be  a  superb  sthrategy  had  himsilf  sur- 
rounded be  an  infeeryor  foorce  iv  Boers  undher  Gin- 
'ral Delaney  or  some  such  name.  Our  cust'mary 
precaution  iv  dhrawin'  in  th'  pickets  afther  night- 
fall an'  buryin'  our  rifles,  which  had  repeatedly  failed 
in  th'  past  owin'  to  th'  caution  iv  th'  Boers,  wurruked 
admirably.  Gin'ral  Delaney  was  completely  taken 
be  surprise  an'  befure  he  cud  recover.  Lord  Mechoon 
had  thrown  himsilf  around  his  neck  an'  given  him 
his  cigreet  case  in  token  iv  submission.  Th'  com- 
mand behaved  with  gr-reat  gallantry.  In  wan  case, 
a  whole  comp'ny  surrindhered  to  wan  Boer.  I  am 
sindin'  ricommindations  f'r  th'  Victorya  cross  be 
freight.  Unforchunitly  our  casulties  were  very  heavy. 
Mesilf  an'  nearly  all  th'  other  gin'rals  escaped  capt- 
ure. But  betther  luck  nex'  time.  Gin'ral  Dewet 
is  about  a  mile  fr'm  here,  if  in  Africa  at  all,  or  in- 
deed, livin'.  Gin'ral  Botha  is  said  to  be  in  loway, 
though  ye  can't  believe  ivrything  ye  see  in  tb' 
[194] 


The  End  of  the  War 

pa-apers.  Wan  or  th'  other  may  be  enthrapped  into 
kidnapin'  me.  In  th'  manetime  I  am  plannin'  right 
along.  I  sleep  constantly  in  clothes  becomin'  me 
station,  an'  th'  impire  may  rely  on  me  not  makin'  a 
show  iv  mesilf  whin  I  am  took.  Ye'ers  hopefully, 
Kitchener.' 

"  Th'  Boers  niver  raycovered  fr'm  th'  tur'ble  blow. 
Their  spirits  was  crushed.  Their  hopes  had  fled.  Th' 
kindergartens  had  opened  an'  manny  iv  their  bravest 
w^arryors  had  been  carried  off  be  their  mothers. 
Anny  moment  they  might  be  surrounded  an'  surrin- 
dhered  to.  So  wan  mornin'  th'  entire  mighty  army, 
th'  whole  thirty-two  iv  them,  histed  th'  white  flag  an' 
presinted  their  bill." 

"  An'  so  th'  war  is  over.?  "  asked  Mr.  Hennessy. 

"  On'y  part  iv  it,"  said  Mr.  Dooley.  "  Th'  part 
that  ye  see  in  th'  pitcher  pa-apers  is  over,  but  th'  tax 
collector  will  continyoo  his  part  iv  th'  war  with  re- 
lentless fury.  Cav'lry  charges  are  not  th'  on'y  wars 
in  a  rale  war." 


1 195  ] 


Newport 


NEWPORT 


A 


BOUT 

this 

time 

ivry 

year," 

said 

Mr. 

Dooley, 

"I 

go 

to 

Newport 

f'r 

th' 

summer. 

?5 

"  Ye  go  where  ?  "  asked  Mr.  Hennessy. 

"  I  go  to  Newport,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  calmly,  "  in 
th'  pa-apers.  Newport's  always  there.  I  may  not 
find  annything  about  th'  fire  at  th'  yards  or  th'  war 
in  th'  Ph'lippeens,  but  if  Mrs.  Rasther  opens  a  can 
iv  salmon  or  pounds  th'  top  off  an  egg,  it's  down  in 
black  an'  white  be  th'  fearless  hands  iv  th'  iditor. 
'Tis  a  gr-reat  joy  bein'  lithry  an'  knowin'  how  to 
read.  Th'  air  is  hot  in  Ar-rchey  Road;  ye  can  see 
it.  It  looks  an'  feels  like  hot  soup  with  people  float- 
in'  around  in  it  like  viggytables.  Th'  smoke  poors 
fr'm  th'  chimbly  iv  th'  rollin'  mills  an'  comes  right 
down  on  th'  sthreet  an'  jines  us.  People  ar-re  lyin' 
out  iv  doors  with  their  mouths  open.  They'se  a 
gr-reat  dale  iv  cholery  infantum  an'  a  few  deleeryam 
thremens.  If  I  cudden't  read  I'd  be  hot  about  th' 
weather  an'  things.  But  whin  th'  day  is  darkest  an' 
I  don't  want  to  see  me  best  cukkin'  frind,  I  takes  me 
yacht  at  th'  top  iv  page  eig:ht  an'  «:ocs  sailin'  off  to 
Newport  in  me  shirt  sleeves  with  twelve  inches  iv  malt 
in  th'  hook  iv  me  thumb,  an'  there  I  stay  till  I  wani- 
to  come  back  an'  rest. 

,     "  '  Th'    autymobill    season   has    opened    in    deadly 

earnest.     Manny  new  machines  is  seen  daily  an'  wan 

[  199  ] 


Obse7'vatio7is  by  Mr.  Dooley 

iv  th'  delights  iv  th'  summer  colony  is  to  go  out  Iv 
an  avenin'  an'  see  th'  farmers  iv  th'  neighborhood 
pluckin'  their  horses  fr'm  th'  top  branches  iv  threes. 
Th'  younger  Hankerbilt  has  atthracted  much  at- 
tintion  be  his  acc'rate  ridin'.  Th'  other  day  he  made 
a  scoor  iv  eight  fr'm  a  runnin'  start  in  tin  minyits 
an'  this  in  spite  iv  th'  fact  that  he  was  obliged  to 
come  back  to  th'  last  wan,  a  Swede  named  Olson,  an' 
bump  him  over  again. 

"  '  Misther  Graball,  th'  Muskegon  millionaire  who 
got  into  s'ciety  las'  year  be  dyin'  his  hair  green  an' 
givin'  a  dinner  at  which  all  th'  guests  rayceived  a 
lumber  mill  as  sooveneers,  has  returned  suddenly  fr'm 
th'  West  an'  his  house  party  is  over. 

"  '  Little  Aigrette  Vandy cooker  has  a  tooth,  her 
elder  sister  a  markess,  an'  her  mother  a  siparation. 

"  '  Misther  an'  Mrs.  Roger  Smitherson  an'  frind 
ar-re  spindin'  th'  summer  at  frind's  house.' 

"  Gin'rally  we  lade  a  life  iv  quite  an'  iligant  lux- 
ury. Wud  ye  like  a  line  on  me"  daily  routine  ?  Well, 
in  th'  mornin'  a  little  spin  in  me  fifty-horse  power 
'  Suffer-little-childher,'  in  th'  afthernoon  a  whirl 
over  th'  green  wathers  iv  th'  bay  in  me  goold- 
an'-ivory  yacht,  in  th'  avenin'  dinner  with  a  monkey 
or  something  akelly  as  good,  at  night  a  few  leads 
out  iv  th'  wrong  hand,  some  hasty  wurruds  an'  so 
to  bed.  Such  is  th'  spoortin'  life  in  Rhode  Island, 
th'  home  iv  Roger  Williams  an'  others  not  so 
much.  It  grows  tiresome  afther  awhile.  I  confess 
to  ye,  Algernon  Hinnissy,  that  befure  th'  monkey 
was  inthrajooced,  I  was  sufFerin'  fr'm  what  Hogan 
[200] 


Newport 

calls  onwee,  which  is  th'  same  thing  as  ingrowin* 
money.  I  had  got  tired  iv  putt  in'  new  storeys 
on  me  cottage  an'  ridin'  up  in  th'  ilivator  fr'm  th' 
settin'  room  on  th'  eighth  flure  to  th'  dinin'  room  on 
th'  twinty-ninth,  I  didn't  care  about  ay  ether  thrap- 
shootin'  or  autymobilHn',  I  felt  like  givin'  a  cawma- 
tion  dinner  to  th'  poor  iv  th'  village  an'  feedin'  thim 
me  polo  ponies,  I  didn't  care  whether  th'  champagne 
bar'ls  was  kept  iced,  whether  th'  yacht  was  as  long 
as  th'  wan  ownded  be  th'  Ginger  Snap  king  nex'  dure, 
whether  I  had  three  or  tin  millyon  dollars  in  me 
pants  pocket  in  th'  momin'  or  whether  th'  Poles  in 
th'  coal  mine  was  sthrikin'  f'r  wan  dollar  an'  forty- 
siven  or  wan  dollar  an'  forty-eight  cints  a  day.  I 
was  tired  iv  ivrything.  Life  had  me  be  th'  throat, 
th'  black  dog  was  on  me  back.  I  felt  like  suicide  or 
wurruk.  Thin  come  th'  bright  idee  iv  me  young 
frind  an'  th'  monkey  saved  me.  He  give  me  some- 
thing to  live  f'r.  Perhaps  we  too  may  be  monkeys 
some  day  an'  be  amusin'.  We  don't  talk  half  as  loud 
or  look  half  as  foolish  or  get  dhrunk  half  as  quick, 
but  give  us  a  chanst.  We're  a  young  people  an' 
th'  monkeys  is  an  old,  old  race.  They've  been  New- 
portin'  f'r  cinchries.  Sure  that  ol'  la-ad  who  said 
man  was  descinded  fr'm  monkeys  knew  what  he  was 
talkin'  about.     Descinded,  but  how  far.? 

"  Now,  don't  go  gettin'  cross  about  th'  rich,  Hin- 
nissy.  Put  up  that  dinnymite.  Don't  excite  ye'ersilf 
about  us  folks  in  Newport.  It's  always  been  th'  same 
way,  Father  Kelly  tells  me.  Says  he :  '  If  a  man  is 
wise,  he  gets  rich  an'  if  he  gets  rich,  he  gets  foolish, 
'^  [  201  ] 


Observations  by  Mr,  Dooley 

or  his  wife  does.  That's  what  keeps  th'  money  movin' 
around.  What  comes  in  at  th'  ticker  goes  out  at  th' 
wine  agent.  F'river  an'  iver  people  have  been  growin' 
rich,  goin'  down  to  some  kind  iv  a  Newport,  makin' 
monkeys  iv  thimsilves  an'  goin'  back  to  th'  jungle. 
'Tis  a  steady  pro-cission.  Aisy  come,  lazy  go.  In 
ivry  little  hamlet  in  this  broad  land,  there's  some  man 
with  a  broad  jaw  an'  th'  encouragement  iv  a  good 
woman,  makin'  ready  to  shove  some  other  man  off 
his  steam  yacht.  At  this  very  minyit  whin  I  speak, 
me  frind  Jawn  Grates  has  his  eye  on  Hankerbilk's 
house.  He  wud  swing  a  hammock  in  th'  woodshed 
this  year,  but  nex'  he  may  have  his  feet  up  on  th' 
bannister  iv  th'  front  stoop.  Whin  a  captain  iv 
industhry  stops  dhrinkin'  at  th'  bar,  he's  near  his 
finish.  If  he  ain't  caught  in  his  own  person,  th'  con- 
stable will  get  to  his  fam'ly.  Ye  read  about  th'  union 
iv  two  gr-reat  fortunes.  A  dollar  meets  another  dol- 
lar, they  are  conganial,  have  sim'lar  tastes,  an' 
manny  mutual  f rinds.  They  are  marrid  an'  bring  up 
a  fam'ly  iv  pennies,  dimes,  thirty-cintses  an'  counther- 
feits.  An'  afther  awhile,  th'  fam'ly  passes  out  iv  cir- 
cylation.  That's  th'  histhry  iv  it,'  says  Father  Kelly. 
•  An','  says  he, '  I'm  glad  there  is  a  Newport,'  he  says, 
't's  th'  exhaust  pipe,'  he  says.  '  Without  it  we 
light  blow  up,'  he  says.  '  It's  th'  hole  in  th'  top  iv 
h'  kettle,'  he  says.  '  I  wish  it  was  bigger,'  he  says." 
"  Oh,  well,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy,  "  we  are  as  th' 
Lord  made  us." 

"  No,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "  lave  us  be  fair.     Lave  us 
take  some  iv  th'  blame  oursilves." 
{  ^02  ] 


Arctic  Exploration 


ARCTIC    EXPLORATION 

] 

**  A  ■  AHIS  here  business  iv  Artie  exploration's  th' 
I  gran'  pursoot,"  said  Mr.  Dooley.  "  A 
-^  gran',  comfortable,  fightin',  quarrelin' 
business." 

"What's  it  all  about?"  asked  Mr.  Hennessy. 
"  Why  shud  anny wan  want  to  go  to  th'  North  Pole  ? 
Ain't  it  cold  enough  here.''  " 

"  I  niver  cud  quite  make  it  out,"  said  Mr.  Dooley. 
"  I've  heerd  tell  that  years  ago,  befure  th'  fire  or  th' 
war,  some  wan  had  an  idee  in  his  foolish  head  that 
they  was  a  gran'  sea  up  there  with  blue  wather 
dimplin'  in  th'  moonlight  an'  cocynut  threes  growin' 
on  th'  shore  an'  if  a  man  cud  on'y  get  in  with  his 
boat,  he  cud  sail  around  th'  wurruld  an'  fetch  up 
in  Chiny.  That  idee  blew  up  an'  thin  some  wan  said 
'twud  be  a  fine  thing  Fr  science  if  a  white  man  cud 
get  to  th'  North  Pole.  What  he'd  do  if  he  got  there 
no  wan  has  anny  thought.  Accordin'  to  what  I  hear, 
th'  North  Pole  ain't  like  a  tillygraft  pole,  a  barber 
pole,  a  fishin'  pole,  a  clothes  pole,  a  poll-tax,  a 
Maypole,  a  Russhyan  Pole,  or  annything  that  ye 
can  see,  smell  or  ate.  Whin  ye  get  to  it,  it  is  no 
difF'rent  fr'm  bein'  annywhere  on  th'  ice.  Th'  on'y 
way  ye  know  ye're  there  is  be  consultin'  a  pocket 
arithmetic,  a  watch  an'  a  compass.  Don't  get  it  into 
ye'er  head  that  if  me  frind  Baldwin  or  Peary  iver 
[205] 


Observations  by  M?\  Dootey 

wint  north  iv  Milwaukee  an'  come  acrost  th'  North 
Pole  they'd  carve  their  names  on  it  or  hist  a  flag  over 
it  or  bring  it  home  with  thim  on  a  thruck  an'  set  it 
up  on  th'  lake  front.  Th'  north  pole  is  a  gigantic 
column  iv  cold  air,  some  says  hot,  an'  an  enthusyastic 
explorer  that  wasn't  lookin'  where  he  wint  might  pass 
right  through  it  without  knowin'. 

"  In  th'  arly  days  whin  an  explorer  wint  off  to  find 
th'  Pole,  he  bought  himsilf  a  sheepskin  coat,  a  couple 
iv  dogs,  a  pair  iv  skates,  an'  a  bottle  iv  pickled  onions 
an'  set  out  bravely,  an'  th'  people  watched  th'  fam'ly 
to  see  what  other  form  th'  lunacy  wud  take.  Afther 
awhile  he  ayether  come  back  or  he  didn't.  Sometimes 
th'  Esqueemo  lad}^  didn't  care  to  lave  her  pleasant 
home  in  th'  land  iv  perpetchool  blubber  an'  in  that 
case  th'  hardy  mariner  remained  in  th'  frozen  north. 
I  niver  cud  see  th'  advantages  iv  life  in  th'  Artie 
regions.  'Tis  thrue  th'  nights  is  six  months  long  an' 
sleep  is  wan  iv  th'  spoorts  that  age  hasn't  deprived 
me  iv.  It  mus'  be  a  gr-reat  counthry  fr  burglars. 
But  f'r  a  plain  wurrukin'  man  it's  very  thryin'. 
Think  iv  a  six  months'  wurrukin'  day.  Ye  get  ye'er 
breakfast  at  sun-up  in  ]\Iarch  an'  ye  don't  set  down 
to  dinner  till  th'  first  iv  June.  Thin  comes  a  long 
afthernoon  an'  I  tell  ye  whin  th'  whistle  blows  at  six 
o'clock  October,  it's  a  welcome  sound  it  sinds  to  ye'er 
ears.  Ye  go  home  an'  all  th'  childher  has  growed 
up  an'  th'  news  in  th'  mornin'  pa-per  is  six  months' 
old.  Ye  lie  around  readin'  an'  play  in'  cards  f'r  a 
month  or  two  an'  thin  ye  ya\^Ti  an'  set  th'  alarm 
clock  Tr  March  an'  says :  '  Mah,  it's  th'  fifteenth  iv 
[206] 


Arctic  Eocploration 

Novimber  an'  time  th'  childher  was  abed,'  an'  go  to 
sleep.  About  Christmas  th'  good  woman  wakes  ye 
up  to  look  f'r  th'  burglar  an'  afther  ye've  paddled 
around  in^th'  Ice  floe  f'r  a  week,  ye  climb  back  into 
bed  grumblin'  an'  go  to  sleep  again.  Afther  awhile 
ye  snore  an'  th'  wife  iv  ye'er  bosom  punches  ye. 
'  What  time  is  it?  '  says  ye.  '  It's  a  quarther  past  th' 
fifteenth  iv  Janooary,'  says  she,  '  an'  that  siren  iv 
ye'ers  has  been  goin'  since  New  Year's  day.'  At 
March  ye  ar-re  aroused  be  th'  alarm  clock  an'  ye  go 
out  to  feed  th'  seals  an'  I  tell  ye,  ye  need  a  shave.  It 
mus'  be  a  quare  smsation  to  wake  up  in  th'  mornin' 
an'  find  that  th'  kid  ye  tucked  into  bed  th'  night  be- 
fure  has  grown  side-whiskers  in  his  sleep  an'  his  feet 
has  pushed  out  th'  foot  iv  th'  cradle.  Not  f'r  my 
money,  Hinnissy.  Th'  Artie  regions  f'r  thim  that 
likes  thim  but  give  me  a  land  where  ye  don't  tell  th' 
time  iv  day  be  th'  almynac. 

"  But  other  people  is  diff'rent.  Th'  boldest  Artie 
explorer  is  a  man  that's  made  his  money  out  iv  sellin' 
base-burnin'  stoves  an'  has  chillblains  in  July.  Such 
a  man  is  niver  continted  till  he's  started  somebody  off 
f'r  th'  northest  north.  An'  he  has  no  throuble  to 
find  a  man.  Nex'  to  bein'  invited  on  a  private  yacht 
to  sail  in  th'  Middyteranyan,  th'  nicest  thing  a 
millyonaire  can  do  f'r  ye  is  to  make  an  Artie  explorer 
iv  ye.  Th'  prelim'naries  is  great  spoort.  F'r  two 
years  ye  go  round  th'  counthry  letchrin'  on  '  What 
I  will  see  in  th'  Artie  regions  whin  I  get  there  if  at 
all.'  Fin'lly  ye  set  off  with  th'  fleet,  consistin'  iv  a 
ship  f'r  ye'ersilf,  three  fr  th'  provisions,  two  f'r  th' 
[  207  ] 


Obsei^vations  by  Mr,  Dooley 

clothes  an'  wan  Tr  th'  diaries.  They'se  also  a  con- 
voy. Th'  business  iv  th'  convoy  is  to  dhrop  in  at 
-Thromsoe  in  Norway  an'  ast  f'r  news  iv  ye.  Throm- 
soe  is  wan  iv  th'  farthest  north  places  that  anny  ex- 
plorer has  been.  But  it  well  repays  a  visit,  bein'  a 
thrivin',  bustlin'  Swede  city  with  a  good  club.  Afther 
th'  long  sthruggle  with  th'  pitiliss  ice  machine  it  is 
very  pleasant  to  dhrop  in  on  this  hospital  community 
an'  come  back  that  night  be  thrain.  Well,  as  I  was 
sayin',  wan  explorer  starts  off  in  a  fur  suit  an'  has 
th'  time  iv  his  life  an'  th'  other  explorer  stays  at 
home  an'  suffers  th'  crool  hardships  an'  bitther  dis- 
app'intments  iv  life  in  Brooklyn.  Lashed  to  his 
rockin'  chair,  he  shivers  ivry  time  th'  wind  blows  an' 
he  thinks  iv  his  hardy  partner  facin'  th'  purls  iv  that 
far-off  region  iv  ice  an'  snow  an'  funny  little  Es- 
queemo  women  in  union  garments  iv  fur.  *  He's  in 
Greenland  now;  he's  battlin'  with  th'  deadly  ice  floe; 
now  he's  rasslin'  with  a  Polar  bear ;  he's  up ;  he's 
away;  he's  reached  th'  Pole;  he's  pullin'  it  up  be  th' 
roots;  bravo  Baldy!'  An'  so  he  goes  till  his  hands 
is  all  chapped  fr'm  thinkin'  iv  th'  cold  an'  his  leg 
is  lame  fr'm  th'  encounther  with  a  Polar  bear  an'  his 
rockin'  chair  is  in  danger  iv  bein'  dashed  to  pieces 
again'  th'  threacherous  pianny.  An'  wan  day  a 
message  comes  fr'm  th'  other  explorer :  '  Rio  Janeiro. 
We  have  rayturned,  baffled  but  not  defeated.  Th' 
pickled  walnuts  give  out  befure  we  reached  th'  West 
Indies.  As  far  as  we've  gone  we'A^e  had  excellent 
raysults.  Th'  cap'n,  th'  mate,  th'  cook,  th'  stewart 
an'  eighty  per  cint  iv  th'  crew  is  in  ir'ns  an'  as  soon 
[  S08  ] 


Arctic  Eocploration 

as  I've  got  this  tillygram  off  I'm  goln'  In  to  punch 
th'  surgeon.  I  congratylate  ye.  Ye'er  name  will 
stand  high  among  th'  binnyfactors  iv  science.  We 
have  demonsthrated  beyond  fear  iv  conthrydiction 
that  th'  gulf  sthream  is  jus'  where  it  was  an'  that 
volcanoes  ain't  what  they  are  cracked  up  to  be.  Our 
motto  is :  "  Niver  give  up  th'  ship.  It's  too  com- 
fortable." Who's  ye'er  banker  here.?'  Whin  th' 
millyionaire  dies  iv  exposure,  a  victim  to  science,  th' 
mariner  ray  turns  an'  letchers  on  th'  subject:  '  Quar- 
rels I  have  had  in  th'  frozen  north.'  Talk  about  th' 
terrors  iv  Artie  exploration,  Hinnissy!  There's 
where  ye  get  thim.  Did  ye  iver  go  to  an  Artie  ex- 
ploration letcher.?  I  did  wanst.  They  was  wan 
down  at  th'  brothers'  school  las'  winther.  I've  been 
lame  iver  since. 

"  None  iv  it  in  mine,  if  ye  plaze.  It's  too  hot 
wurruk  in  thim  clothes.  An'  aven  if  ye  get  up  near 
th'  pole,  what's  it  good  f'r.?  Th'  climate  is  disagree- 
able, an'  th'  s'ciety  is  monotonous.  Ivrybody  dhresses 
alike.  Th'  wan  tailor  makes  th'  clothes  f 'r  pah,  mah, 
Lucille  an'  th'  Polar  bear  out  iv  th'  same  patthem. 
If  ye  go  to  coort  a  girl,  ye  don't  know  befure  she 
speaks  whether  'tis  hersilf  or  her  Uncle  Mike.  I 
heerd  iv  an  Artie  explorer  wanst  that  held  hands  with 
a  Swede  sicond  mate  f 'r  over  an  hour  befure  he  ralized 
his  mistake. 

"  No,  sir,  no  Artie  explorations   f'r   me,   ayether 

pers'nally  or  be  check.     But  if  I  did  go  into  it,  I 

know  who  I'd  sind.     I'd  not  fool  around  with  people 

who  begin  to  cough  within  sight  iv  th'  car  bams.     I'd 

[209] 


Observations  by  Mr.  Dooley 

utilize  th'  folks  in  th'  neighborhood.  I'd  pathronize 
home  industhries.  Th'  Pole  f'r  th'  polars,  says  I. 
They  mus'  be  hundherds  iv  la-ads  up  in  that  part  iv 
th'  wurruld  that'd  be  willin'  to  earn  an  honest  dollar 
be  discoverin'  th'  pole.  With  thim  'twud  be  like  ye 
goin'  down  to  explore  th'  stock  yards.  I  bet  raanny 
iv  thim  knows  th'  pole  as  well  as  I  know  Haley's 
slough.  Ye'd  prob'ly  find  they've  hung  their  washin' 
on  it  f'r  years  an'  manny  iv  th'  kids  has  shinned  up 
it." 

"  Who'd  ye  sind.^^  "  asked  Mr.  Hennessj. 

"  Esqueemos,"  said  Mr.  Dooley. 


[210] 


Machinery 


MACHINERY 


MR.  DOOLEY  was  reading  from  a  paper. 
"  '  We  live,'  he  says,  '  in  an  age  iv  won- 
dhers.     Niver  befure  in  th'  histhry  iv  th' 
wurruld  has  such  pro- gr ess  been  made.' 

"  Thrue  wurruds  an'  often  spoken.  Even  in  me 
time  things  has  changed.  Whin  I  was  a  la-ad  Long 
Jawn  Wintworth  cud  lean  his  elbows  on  th'  highest 
buildin'  in  this  town.  It  took  two  months  to  come 
here  fr'm  Pittsburg  on  a  limited  raft  an'  a  stage 
coach  that  run  fr'm  La  Salle  to  Mrs.  Murphy's  hotel. 
They  wasn't  anny  tillygraft  that  I  can  raymimber 
an'  th'  sthreet  car  was  pulled  be  a  mule  an'  dhruv  be 
an  engineer  be  th'  name  iv  Mulligan.  We  thought 
we  was  a  pro-grissive  people.  Ye  bet  we  did.  But 
look  at  us  today.  I  go  be  Casey's  house  tonight  an' 
there  it  is  a  fine  storey-an'-a-half  frame  house  with 
Casey  sett  in'  on  th'  dure  shtep  dhrinkin'  out  iv  a  pail. 
I  go  be  Casey's  house  to-morrah  an'  it's  a  hole  in  th' 
groun'.  I  rayturn  to  Casey's  house  on  Thursdah 
an'  it's  a  fifty-eight  storey  buildin'  with  a  morgedge 
onto  it  an'  they're  thinkin'  iv  takin'  it  down  an'  re- 
placin'  it  with  a  modhren  sthructure.  Th'  shoes  that 
Corrigan  th'  cobbler  wanst  wurruked  on  f'r  a  week, 
hammerin'  away  like  a  woodpecker,  is  now  tossed  out 
be  th'  dozens  fr'm  th'  mouth  iv  a  masheen.  A  cow 
goes  lowin'  softly  in  to  Armours  an'  comes  out  glue, 
[213] 


Observations  by  Mr,  JDooley 

beef,  gelatine,  fertylizer,  celooloid,  joolry,  sofy 
cushions,  hair  restorer,  washin'  sody,  soap,  lithra- 
choor  an'  bed  springs  so  quick  that  while  aft  she's 
still  cow,  for'ard  she  may  be  annything  fr'm  buttons 
to  Pannyma  hats.  I  can  go  fr'm  Chicago  to  New 
York  in  twinty  hours,  but  I  don't  have  to,  thank  th' 
Lord.  Thirty  years  ago  we  thought  'twas  marvelous 
to  be  able  to  tillygraft  a  man  in  Saint  Joe  an'  get 
an  answer  that  night.  Now,  be  wireless  tillygraft 
ye  can  get  an  answer  befure  ye  sind  th'  tillygram  if 
they  ain't  careful.  Me  friend  Macroni  has  done  that. 
Be  manes  iv  his  wondher  iv  science  a  man  on  a  ship 
in  mid-ocean  can  sind  a  tillygram  to  a  man  on  shore, 
if  he  has  a  confid'rate  on  board.  That's  all  he  needs. 
Be  mechanical  science  an'  thrust  in  th'  op'rator  anny- 
wan  can  set  on  th'  shore  iv  Noofoundland  an'  chat 
with  a  frind  in  th'  County  Kerry. 

"  Yes,  sir,  mechanical  science  has  made  gr~reat 
sthrides.  Whin  I  was  a  young  man  we  used  to  think 
Hor'ce  Greeley  was  th'  gr-reatest  livin'  American. 
He  was  a  gran'  man,  a  gran'  man  with  feathers  be- 
neath his  chin  an'  specs  on  his  nose  like  th'  windows 
in  a  diver's  hemlet.  His  pollyticks  an'  mine  cudden't 
live  in  th'  same  neighborhood  but  he  was  a  gran'  man 
all  th'  same.  We  used  to  take  th'  Cleveland  Plain 
Daler  in  thim  days  f'r  raycreation  an'  th'  New  York 
Thrybune  f  r  exercise.  'Twas  considhered  a  test  iv 
a  good  natured  dimmycrat  if  he  cud  read  an  article 
in  th'  Thrybune  without  havin'  to  do  th'  stations  iv 
th'  cross  aftherward  f'r  what  he  said.  I  almost  did 
wanst  but  they  was  a  line  at  th'  end  about  a  frind  iv 
[214] 


Machinery 

mine  be  th'  name  iv  Andhrew  Jackson  an'  I  wint  out 
an'  broke  up  a  Methodist  prayer  meetin'.  He  was  th' 
boy  that  cud  put  it  to  ye  so  that  if  ye  voted  th' 
dimmycrat  tickit  it  was  jus'  th'  same  as  demandin' 
a  place  in  purgytory.  Th'  farmers  wud  plant  anny- 
thing  fr'm  a  ruty  baga  to  a  congressman  on  his  ad- 
vice. He  niver  had  money  enough  to  buy  a  hat  but 
he  cud  go  to  th'  sicrety  iv  th'  threasury  an'  tell  him 
who's  pitcher  to  put  on  th'  useful  valentines  we  thrade 
f'r  groceries. 

"  But  if  Hor'ce  Greeley  was  alive  today  where'd  he 
be.'*  Settin'  on  three  inches  iv  th'  edge  iv  a  chair  in 
th'  outside  office  iv  me  frind  Pierpont  Morgan  waitin' 
f'r  his  turn.  In  th'  line  is  th'  Imp'ror  iv  Germany, 
th'  new  cook,  th'  prisidint  iv  a  railroad,  th'  cap'n  iv 
th'  yacht,  Rimbrandt  th'  painther,  Jawn  W.  Grates, 
an'  Hor'ce.  Afther  awhile  th'  boy  at  th'  dure  says: 
'  Ye're  next,  ol'  party.  Shtep  lively  f'r  th'  boss  has 
had  a  Weehawken  Peerooginy  sawed  off  on  him  this 
momin'  an'  he  mustn't  be  kep'  waitin'.'  An'  th' 
iditor  goes  in.  'Who  ar-re  ye?'  says  th'  gr-reat 
man,  givin'  him  wan  iv  thim  piercin'  looks  that  whin 
a  man  gets  it  he  has  to  be  sewed  up  at  wanst.  '  I'm 
ye'er  iditor,'  says  Hor'ce.  '  Which  wan  ?  '  says  Pier- 
pont. *  Number  two  hundhred  an'  eight.'  '  What's 
ye'er  spishilty .?  '  '  TahrifF  an'  th'  improvemint  iv 
th'  wnrruld,'  says  Hor'ce.  '  See  Perkins,'  says  Pier- 
pont, an'  th'  intherview  is  over.  Now  what's  made 
th'  change?  Mechanical  Science,  Hinnissy.  Some 
wan  made  a  masheen  that  puts  steel  billets  within 
th'  reach  iv  all.  Hince  Charlie  Schwab. 
[S15] 


Observations  by  Mr,  Dooley 

"  What's  it  done  f 'r  th'  wurruld  ?  says  ye.  It's 
done  ivrything.  It's  give  us  fast  ships  an'  an  auty- 
matic  hist  f'r  th'  hod,  an'  small  flats  an'  a  taste  iv 
solder  in  th'  peaches.  If  annybody  says  th'  wurruld 
ain't  betther  off  thin  it  was,  tell  him  that  a  masheen 
has  been  invinted  that  makes  honey  out  iv  pethrolyum. 
If  he  asts  ye  why  they  ain't  anny  Shakesperes  today, 
say :  '  No,  but  we  no  longer  make  sausages  be  hand.' 

"  'Tis  pro-gress.  We  live  in  a  cinchry  iv  pro-gress 
an'  I  thank  th'  Lord  I've  seen  most  iv  it.  Man  an' 
boy  I've  lived  pretty  near  through  this  wondherful 
age.  If  I  was  proud  I  cud  say  I  seen  more  thin 
Julyus  Caesar  iver  see  or  cared  to.  An'  here  I  am, 
I'll  not  say  how  old,  still  pushin'  th'  malt  acrost  th' 
counther  at  me  thirsty  counthrymen.  All  around  me 
is  th'  refinemints  iv  mechanical  janius.  Instead  iv 
broachin'  th'  beer  kag  with  a  club  an'  dhrawin'  th' 
beer  through  a  f assit  as  me  Puritan  forefathers  done, 
I  have  that  wondher  iv  invintive  science  th'  beer  pump. 
I  cheat  mesilf  with  a  cash  raygisther.  I  cut  off  th' 
end  iv  me  good  cigar  with  an  injanyous  device  an' 
pull  th'  cork  out  iv  a  bottle  with  a  conthrivance  that 
wud've  made  that  frind  that  Hogan  boasts  about, 
that  ol'  boy  Archy  Meeds,  think  they  was  witchcraft 
in  th'  house.  Science  has  been  a  gr-reat  blessin'  to 
me.  But  amidst  all  these  granjoors  here  am  I  th' 
same  ol'  antiquated  combination  iv  bellows  an'  pump 
I  always  was.  Not  so  good.  Time  has  worn  me 
out.  Th'  years  like  little  boj^s  with  jackknives  has 
carved  their  names  in  me  top.  Ivry  day  I  have  to 
write  off  something  Tr  deprecyation.  'Tis  about 
[216] 


Machinery 

time  Tr  whoiver  owns  me  to  wumik  me  off  on  a  thrust. 
Mechanical  science  has  done  ivrjthing  f 'r  me  but  help 
me.  I  suppose  I  ought  to  feel  supeerjor  to  me 
father.  He  niver  see  a  high  buildin'  but  he  didn't 
want  to.  He  cudden't  come  here  in  five  days  but  he 
was  a  wise  man  an'  if  he  cud've  come  in  three  he'd 
have  stayed  in  th'  County  Roscommon. 

"  Th'  pa-apers  tells  me  that  midical  science  has 
kept  pace  with  th'  hop-skip-an'-a-jump  iv  mechanical 
inginooty.  Th'  doctors  has  found  th'  mickrobe  iv 
ivrything  fr'm  lumbago  to  love  an'  fr'm  jandice  to 
jealousy,  but  if  a  brick  bounces  on  me  head  I'm  crated 
up  th'  same  as  iv  yore  an'  put  away.  Rockyfellar 
can  make  a  pianny  out  iv  a  bar'l  iv  crude  ile,  but  no 
wan  has  been  able  to  make  a  blade  iv  hair  grow  on 
Rockyfellar.  They  was  a  doctor  over  in  France  that 
discovered  a  kind  iv  a  thing  that  if  'twas  pumped  into 
ye  wud  make  ye  live  till  people  got  so  tired  iv  seein' 
ye  around  they  cud  scream.  He  died  th'  nex'  year 
iv  premachure  ol'  age.  They  was  another  doctor  cud 
insure  whether  th'  nex'  wan  wud  be  a  boy  or  a  girl. 
All  ye  had  to  do  was  to  decide  wud  it  be  Arthur  or 
Ethel  an'  lave  him  know.  He  left  a  fam'ly  iv  un- 
marredgeable  daughters. 

"  I  sometimes  wondher  whether  pro-gress  is  anny 
more  thin  a  kind  iv  a  shift.  It's  like  a  merry-go- 
round.  We  get  up  on  a  speckled  wooden  horse  an' 
th'  mechanical  pianny  plays  a  chune  an'  away  we  go, 
hollerin'.  We  think  we're  thravellin'  like  th'  diwle 
but  th'  man  that  doesn't  care  about  merry-go-rounds 
knows  that  we  will  come  back  where  we  were.  We 
''  [  217  ] 


Observations  by  Mr.  Dooley 

get  out  dizzy  an'  sick  an'  lay  on  th'  grass  an'  gasp: 
'  Where  am  I  ?  Is  this  th'  meelin-yum  ?  '  An'  he 
says :  '  No,  'tis  Ar-rchey  Road.'  Father  Kelly  says 
th'  Agyptians  done  things  we  cudden't  do  an'  th' 
Romans  put  up  sky-scrapers  an'  aven  th'  Chinks  had 
tillyphones  an'  phony-grafts. 

"  I've  been  up  to  th'  top  iv  th'  very  highest  buildin' 
in  town,  Hinnissy,  an'  I  wasn't  anny  nearer  Hivin 
thin  if  I  was  in  th'  sthreet.  Th'  stars  was  as  far 
away  as  iver.  An'  down  beneath  is  a  lot  iv  us  run- 
nin'  an'  lapin'  an'  jumpin'  about,  pushin'  each  other 
over,  haulin'  little  sthrips  iv  ir'n  to  pile  up  in  little 
buildin's  that  ar-re  called  sky-scrapers  but  not  be  th' 
sky ;  wurrukin'  night  an'  day  to  make  a  masheen 
that'll  carry  us  fr'm  wan  jack-rabbit  colony  to  an- 
other an'  yellin',  *  Pro-gress ! '  Pro-gress,  oho !  I 
can  see  th'  stars  winkin'  at  each  other  an'  sayin': 
'  Ain't  they  funny !  Don't  they  think  they're  play- 
in'  hell!' 

"  No,  sir,  masheens  ain't  done  much  f'r  man.  I 
can't  get  up  anny  kind  iv  fam'ly  inthrest  Tr  a  steam 
dredge  or  a  hydhraulic  hist.  I  want  to  see  sky-scrap- 
in'  men.  But  I  won't.  We're  about  th'  same  hight 
as  we  always  was,  th'  same  hight  an'  build,  composed 
iv  th'  same  inflammable  an'  perishyable  mateeryal,  an 
exthra  hazardous  risk,  unimproved  an'  li'ble  to  col- 
lapse. We  do  make  pro-gress  but  it's  th'  same  kind 
Julyus  Caesar  made  an'  ivry  wan  has  made  befure  or 
since  an'  in  this  age  iv  masheenery  we're  still  burrid 
be  hand." 

"What  d'ye  think  iv  th'  man  down  in  Pinnsylvanya 
[218] 


Machinery 

who  says  th'  Lord  an'  him  is  partners  in  a  coal 
mine  ?  "  asked  Mr.  Hennessy ,  who  wanted  to  change 
the  subject. 

"  Has  he  divided  th'  profits.?  "  asked  Mr.  Dooley. 


[219] 


Swearing 


SWEARING 


«  'J     ^  ID  ye  see  what  th'   prisidint  said  to  th' 

I        1  tlirolley   man   that   bumped   him  ?  "    asked 

-■— -^  Mr.  Dooley. 

"  I  did  not,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy.  "  What  was 
it?  " 

"  I  can't  tell  ye  till  I  get  mad,"  said  Mr.  Dooley. 
"  Lave  us  go  into  ixicutive  sission.  Whisper.  That 
was  it.  Ha,  ha.  He  give  it  to  him  sthraight.  A 
good,  honest,  American  blankety-blank.  Rale  lan- 
guage like  father  used  to  make  whin  he  hit  his  thumb 
with  th'  hammer.  No  *  With  ye'er  lave '  or  '  By 
ye'er  lave,'  but  a  dacint  '  Damn  ye,  sir,'  an'  a  little 
more  f'r  th'  sake  iv  imphasis. 

''  What  else  wud  ye  have  him  do  ?  'Twas  nayether 
th'  time  nor  th'  occasion,  as  th'  candy  date  said  whin 
they  ast  him  where  he  got  his  money,  'twas  nayether 
th'  time  nor  th'  occasion  f'r  wurruds  that  wud  be  well 
rayceived  at  Chatauqua.  A  throlley  car  had  pushed 
him  an'  diplomatic  relations  was  suspinded.  He  was 
up  on  top  iv  a  bus,  hurryin'  fr'm  speech  to  speech 
an'  thinkin'  what  to  say  next.  '  Th'  thrusts,'  says 
he  to  himsilf,  '  are  heejous  monsthers  built  up  be  th' 
inlightened  intherprise  iv  th'  men  that  have  done  so 
much  to  advance  pro-gress  in  our  beloved  counthry,' 
he  says.  '  On  wan  hand  I  wud  stamp  thim  undher 
fut;  on  th'  other  hand  not  so  fast.  What  I  want 
[223] 


Observations  by  Mr.  Dooley 

more  thin  th'  bustin'  iv  th'  thrusts  is  to  see  me  fel- 
low counthrymen  happy  an'  continted.  I  wudden't 
have  thim  hate  th'  thrusts.  Th'  haggard  face,  th' 
droopin'  eye,  th'  pallid  complexion  that  marks  th' 
inimy  iv  thrusts  is  not  to  me  taste.  Lave  us  be  merry 
about  it  an'  jovial  an'  affectionate.  Lave  us  laugh 
an'  sing  th'  octopus  out  iv  existence.  Betther  blue 
but  smihn'  lips  anny  time  thin  a  full  coal  scuttle  an' 
a  sour  heart.  As  Hogan  says,  a  happy  peasanthry 
is  th'  hope  iv  th'  state.  So  lave  us  warble  ti-lire-a- 
lay — '  Jus'  thin  Euclid  Aristophanes  Madden  on  th' 
quarther  deck  iv  th'  throlley  car  give  a  twisht  to  his 
brake  an'  th'  chief  ixicutive  iv  th'  nation  wint  up 
in  th'  air  with  th'  song  on  his  lips.  He  wint  up 
forty,  some  say,  fifty  feet.  Sicrety  Cortilloo  says 
three  hundherd  an'  fifty.  Annyhow  whin  he  come 
down  he  landed  nachrally  on  his  feet. 

"  Now,  Hinnissy,  no  matther  what  a  man  may've 
been  wan  minyit  befure  he  was  hit  be  a  throlley  car, 
a  minyit  afther  he's  on'y  a  man.  Th'  throlley  car 
plays  no  fav'rites.  It  bounces  th'  high  an'  th'  low 
alike.  It  tears  th'  exalted  fr'm  their  throne  an'  ili- 
vates  th'  lowly.  So  whin  th'  prisidint  got  back  to 
the  earth  he  wasn't  prisidint  anny  longer  but  Tiddy 
Rosenfelt,  180  pounds  iv  a  man.  An'  he  done  ac- 
cordin'ly.  If  it'd  been  Willum  Jennings  Bryan, 
he'd've  ast  th'  throlley  engineer  was  he  a  mimber  iv 
th'  Union.  If  he  cud  show  a  wurrukin'  card  he  was 
entitled  to  bump  anny  wan.  At  worst  Willum  Jen- 
nings Bryan  wud've  written  an  article  about  him  in 
th'   Commoner,  or  if  he  felt  unusuallj^  vindicative, 


Swearing 

maybe  he'd  sind  it  to  him  through  th'  mails.  Whin 
Sicretj  Cortilloo  come  to  fr'm  a  dhream  that  he'd 
jus'  ray  fused  a  favor  to  Sinitor  Tillman,  he  hauled 
out  a  little  note  book  an'  got  ready  to  take  down 
something  that  cud  be  put  on  th'  thransparencies  two 
years  fr'm  now — something  like — '  No  power  on  earth 
can  stop  American  business  entherprise.'  But  naw- 
thin'  that  will  iver  be  printed  in  th'  first  reader 
dhropped  fr'm  th'  lips  iv  th'  chief  exicutive.  With 
two  jumps  he  was  in  th'  throlley  man's  hair  an'  spoke 
as  follows —  No,  I  won't  say  it  again.  But  I'll  tell  ye 
this  much,  a  barn-boss  that  was  standin'  by  an'  heerd 
it,  said  he  niver  befure  regretted  his  father  hadn't 
sint  him  to  Harvard. 

"  We  know  what  Wash'nton  said  to  his  gin'rals  an' 
what  Grant  said  to  Lee  an'  what  Cleveland  said  to 
himsilf.  They're  in  th'  books.  But  engraved  in  th' 
hearts  iv  his  counthrymen  is  what  Rosenfelt  said  to 
th'  throlley  man.  'Twas  good  because  'twas  so 
nachral.  Most  iv  th'  sayin's  I've  read  in  books 
sounds  as  though  they  was  made  be  a  patent  inky- 
bator.  They  go  with  a  high  hat  an'  a  white  tie.  Ye 
can  hear  th'  noise  iv  th'  phonygraft.  But  this  here 
jim  of  emotion  an'  thought  come  sthraight  fr'm  th' 
heart  an'  wint  right  to  th'  heart.  That's  wan  rea- 
son I  think  a  lot  iv  us  likes  Tiddy  Rosenfelt  that 
wudden't  iver  be  suspicted  iv  votin'  f'r  him.  Whin 
he  does  anny  talkin' — which  he  sometimes  does — he 
talks  at  th'  man  in  front  iv  him.  Ye  don't  hear  him 
hollerin'  at  posterity.  Posterity  don't  begin  to  vote 
till   afther  th'   polls   close.     So   whin   he   wished   to 


Observations  by  Mr,  Dooley 

convey  to  th'  throlley  man  th'  sintimints  iv  his  bosom, 
he  done  it  in  wurruds  suited  to  th'  crisis,  as  Hogan 
wud  say.  They  do  say  his  remarks  singed  th'  hair 
off  th'  head  iv  th'  unforchnit  man. 

"  I  don't  believe  in  profanity,  Hinnissy — not  as  a 
reg'lar  thing.  But  it  has  its  uses  an'  its  place.  F'r 
instance,  it  is  issintial  to  some  thrades.  No  man  can 
be  a  printer  without  swearin'.  'Tis  impossible.  I 
mind  wanst  I  wint  to  a  printin'  office  where  a  frind 
iv  mine  be  th'  name  iv  Donovan  held  cases  an'  I  heerd 
th'  foreman  say :  '  What  gintleman  is  setting  A 
thirty  ?  '  he  says.  '  I  am,'  says  a  pale  aristocrat  with 
black  whiskers  who  was  atin'  tobacco  in  th'  rear  iv 
th'  room.  '  Thin,'  says  th'  foreman,  '  ye  blankety- 
blank  blacksmith,  get  a  move  on  ye.  D'ye  think 
this  is  a  annyooal  incyclopejee?  '  he  says.  Ivrybody 
swore  at  ivrybody  else.  Th'  little  boys  runnin' 
around  with  type  prattled  innocent  pro-fanity  an' 
afther  awhile  th'  iditor  come  in  an'  he  swore  more 
thin  annybody  else.  But  'twas  aisy  to  see  he'd  not 
lamed  th'  thrade  iv  printer.  He  swore  with  th'  en- 
thusyasm  an'  inacc'racy  iv  an  amachoor,  though  I 
mus'  say,  he  had  his  good  pints.  I  wisht  I  cud  ray- 
mimber  what  it  was  he  called  th'  Czar  iv  Rooshya  f'r 
dyin'  jus'  as  th'  pa-aper  was  goin'  to  press.  I  cud've 
often  used  it  since.     But  it's  slipped  me  mind. 

"  Swearin'  belongs  to  some  thrades, — like  printin', 
bricklayin'  an'  plumbin'.  It  is  no  help  at  all,  at  all 
to  tailors,  shoemakers,  hair-dressers,  dintists  or  au- 
thors. A  surgeon  needs  it  but  a  doctor  niver.  It  is 
a  great  help  in  unloadin'  a  ship  an'  sailor  men  always 
[226] 


Swearing 

swear — th'  cap'n  an'  mate  whin  wnrruk  Is  goin'  on 
an'  th'  men  befure  th'  mast  at  meals.  Sojers  mus' 
swear.  Thej^'se  no  way  out  iv  it.  It's  as  much 
th'  equipment  iv  a  sojer  as  catridges.  In  vigorous 
spoort  it  is  niciss'rj  but  niver  at  checkers  or  chess 
an'  sildom  at  dominoes.  Cowboys  are  compelled  to 
use  it.  No  wan  cud  rope  a  cow  or  cinch  a  pony  with- 
out swearin'.  A  sthrick  bringin'  up  is  th'  same  as 
bavin'  a  wooden  leg  on  th'  plains.  Profanity  shud 
be  used  sparingly  if  at  all  on  childher — especially 
girls — an'  sildom  on  women,  though  I've  knoAved  an 
occasional  domestic :  '  Damn  ye'er  eyes  '  to  wurruk 
wondhers  in  reg-latin'  a  fam'ly.  Women  can't  swear. 
They  have  th'  feelin'  but  not  th'  means.  Westhern 
men  swear  betther  thin  Eastern  men  though  I  mus'  say 
th'  mos'  lib'ral  swearers  I  iver  knew  come  fr'm  Boston. 
"  But  it  don't  do  to  use  pro-fanity  th'  way  ye  wud 
ordin'ry  wurruds.  »  No,  sir.  Ye've  got  to  save  it  up 
an'  invist  it  at  th'  right  time  or  get  nawthin'  fr'm  it. 
It's  betther  thin  a  doctor  f'r  a  stubbed  toe  but  it  niver 
cured  a  broken  leg.  It's  a  kind  iv  a  first  aid  to  th' 
injured.  It  seems  to  deaden  th'  pain.  Women  an' 
childher  cry  or  faint  whin  they're  hurt.  That's  be- 
cause they  haven't  th'  gift  iv  swearin'.  But  as  I  tell 
ye,  they'se  no  good  wastin'  it.  Th'  man  that  sAvears 
at  ivrything  has  nawthin'  to  say  when  rale  throubles 
come.  I  hate  to  hear  annywan  spillin'  out  th'  valy- 
able  wurruds  that  he  ought  to  save  to  be  used  whin 
th'  shtove-pipe  comes  down.  Not  that  it  shocks  me. 
I'm  a  dimmycrat.  But  I  know  th'  foolish  man  is 
hurtin'  himsilf .     Put  a  little  pro-fanity  by  f'r  rainy 


Observations  by  Mr,  Dooley 

days,  says  I.  Ye  won't  miss  it  an'  at  th'  end  iv  th' 
year  whin  ye  renew  ye'er  lease  ye'll  be  surprised  to 
find  out  how  much  ye  have  on  hand.  But  if  yt  hurl 
it  broadcast,  if  ivry  time  ye  open  ye'er  mouth  a  hot 
wan  lapes  out,  th'  time  will  come  whin  ye'll  want  to 
say  something  scorchin'  an'  ye'll  have  nawthin'  to  say 
that  ye  haven't  said  f'r  fun.  I'd  as  soon  think  iv 
swearin'  f'r  pleasure  as  iv  lindin'  money  f'r  pleasure. 
They  ain't  too  much  pro-fanity  in  th'  wurruld.  A 
good  dale  iv  it  has  been  used  up  since  th'  coal  sthrike 
begun.  Th'  govermint  ought  to  presarve  it  an'  pre- 
vint  annywan  fr'm  swearin'  more  thin  was  niciss'ry 
f'r  to  support  life. 

"  I  niver  knew  Father  Kelly  to  swear  but  wanst. 
'Twas  a  little  wan,  Hinnissy.  Dhropped  fr'm  th' 
lips  iv  a  polisman  it  wud've  sounded  like  a  '  thank  ye 
kindly.'  But,  be  Hivins,  whin  I  heerd  it  I  thought 
th'  roof  wud  fall  down  on  th'  head  iv  Scanlan  that 
he  was  thryin'  to  show  th'  evil  iv  his  ways.  Melia 
Murdher,  but  it  was  gran' !  They  was  more  varchue 
in  that  wan  damn  thin  in  a  fastin'  prayer.  Scanlan 
wint  to  wurruk  th'  nex'  day  an'  he  hasn't  tasted  a 
dhrop  since. 

"  But  th'  best  thing  about  a  little  j  udicy ous  swear- 
in' is  that  it  keeps  th'  temper.  'Twas  intinded  as  a 
compromise  between  runnin'  away  an'  fightin'.  Be- 
fure  it  was  invinted  they  was  on'y  th'  two  ways  out 
iv  an  argymint." 

"  But  I've  heerd  ye  say  a  man  was  swearin'  mad," 
said  Mr.  Hennessy. 

"  He  wasn't  fightin'  mad,  thin,"  said  Mr.  Dooley. 
[  228  ] 


The  War  Game 


THE    WAR    GAME 


**  "^  "yr  "T  HAT'S   this   here  war   game   I've  been 
%/%/    readin'  about?"  asked  Mr.  Hennessy. 
'     ^  "  It's  a  kind  iv  a  blind  man's  bufF," 

said  Mr.  Dooley.  "  It's  a  thrile  iv  cunnin'  an'  darin' 
between  th'  army  an'  th'  navy.  Be  manes  iv  it  we 
lam  whether  th'  inimy  cud  sneak  into  Boston  afther 
dark  without  annywan  seein'  thim  an'  anchor  in  Bos- 
ton common.  Ye  an'  I  know  difF'rent,  Hinnissy. 
We  know  how  manny  people  are  in  th'  sthreets  afther 
dark.  But  th'  navy  don't  know  an'  th'  army  don't 
know.  Their  idee  is  that  a  German  fleet  might  gum- 
shoe up  th'  harbor  in  th'  dark  iv  th'  moon  an'  whin 
people  turned  out  f'r  their  mornin'  dhram,  there  wud 
be  th'  Impror  Willum  atin'  his  breakfast  iv  Hun- 
gayrian  Goolash  an'  noodle  soup  on  th'  steps  iv  th' 
State  House  iv  Matsachoosetts.  But  it's  a  gran' 
game.  I'd  like  to  play  it  mesilf.  It's  as  noisy  as 
forty-fives  between  Connock  men  an'  as  harmless  as 
a  steeryopticon  letcher.  If  war  an'  th'  war  game  was 
th'  same  thing,  I'd  be  an  admiral,  at  laste,  be  this 
time  with  me  face  gashed  an'  seamed  be  raspberry 
jam  an'  me  clothes  stained  with  English  breakfast 
tea. 

"  Th'  navy  chose  to  be  th'  inimy  an'  'twas  th'  jooty 
iv  th'  navy  to  divastate  th'  New  England  coast.     On 
th'  other  hand,  th'  business  iv  th'  army  was  to  catch 
[  231  ] 


Observations  by  Mr,  Dooley 

th'  navy  at  its  neefarj^ous  wurruk  an'  tag  it  befure 
it  cud  get  its  fingers  crost.  To  play  th'  game  well, 
th'  navy  must  act  as  much  like  an  inimy  as  it  can  an' 
th'  army  must  pretind  to  be  jus'  as  cross  at  th'  navy 
as  it  is  whin  they  are  both  on  the  same  side.  Frind- 
ship  ceases  whin  they  set  in. 

"  It's  a  hard  game  to  follow  if  ye're  lookin'  on  an' 
puttin'  up  th'  money  as  I  am.  I've  been  readin' 
about  it  in  th'  pa-apers  an'  I  can't  make  out  now 
whether  th'  inimy  is  lootin'  th'  breweries  iv  Conneti- 
cut  or  whether  th'  definders  iv  our  hearths  has  blown 
thim  up  in  th'  harbor  iv  New  London.  '  I  have  th' 
honor  to  rayport,'  says  Admiral  Higginson,  '  that  I 
have  this  day  desthroyed  all  th'  forts  on  th'  New 
England  coast,  put  th'  definders  to  rout  with  gr-reat 
slaughter  an'  kilt  with  me  own  hands  Gin'ral  McAr- 
thur  th'  Commander  iv  th'  Ian'  foorces — a  brave  man 
but  no  match  f'r  ye'ers  thruly.  His  las'  wurruds  to 
me  was  "  Higginson,  ye  done  well !  "  I  rayturned 
him  his  soord  with  th'  wurruds :  "  Gin'ral,  between 
two  brave  men  there  can  be  no  hard  feelin's."  Th' 
battle  in  which  me  gallant  foe  met  his  fate  was  th' 
con-elusion  iv  wan  iv  th'  mos'  successful  socyal  an' 
naval  campaigns  in  th'  histhry  iv  our  counthry.  I 
have  th'  honor  to  inform  ye  that  promptly  on  th' 
declaration  iv  war,  I  give  an  afthernoon  tea  to  th' 
Duchess  iv  Marlborough.  Th'  forts  at  Newport  at- 
timpted  to  reply,  but  was  unable  to  scoor  more  thin 
three  or  four  westhren  millyonaires  an'  soon  suc- 
cumbed to  th'  inivitable.  I  thin  moved  up  th'  Sound 
an'  fell  upon  Gin'ral  McArthur  whin  he  wasn't 
[232] 


The  War  Game 

lookin'.  Befure  he  cud  load  his  guns,  we  poored  a 
perfect  blankety-blank  hell  iv  blank  catridges  on  him. 
He  made  a  spirited  reply  but  t'was  useless.  We  out- 
fought him  be  nearly  fifty  thousan'  dollars  worth  iv 
powdher.  In  th'  mist  iv  th'  flame  an'  smoke,  I  dis- 
cerned th'  caitiff  foe  standin'  on  top  iv  a  fort  direct- 
in'  his  wav'rin'  foorces.  "  Hi-spy,  Gin'ral  McAr- 
thur,"  says  I  in  clary  on  tones,  an'  th'  battle  was  over 
to  all  intints  an'  purposes.  I  have  to  ispicially  com- 
mind  Cap'n  McWhallop  who,  findin'  his  boat  caught 
between  th'  fires  an'  th'  inimy,  called  out :  "  Lay  me 
down,  boys,  an'  save  th'  ship.  I'm  full  iv  marmy- 
lade."  Th'  ladies  aboord  was  perfectly  delighted 
with  th'  valor  an'  hospitality  iv  our  men.  To-night 
we  completed  our  wurruk  be  givin'  a  dinner  an'  hop 
on  boord  th'  flagship.  Among  those  presint  was — ' 
an'  so  on. 

"  That's  what  th'  gallant  Higginson  says.  But 
listen  to  what  th'  akelly  gallant  IVIcArthur  says :  '  I 
have  th'  honor  to  rayport  that  mesilf  an'  me  gallant 
men,  but  largely  if  I  do  say  it  that  shudden't,  mesilf, 
crushed  an'  annihilated  th'  inimy's  fleet  at  high  noon 
to-day.  Las'  night  at  th'  first  round  iv  jacks,  or 
midnight,  as  civilyans  wud  say,  we  rayceived  a  rayport 
fr'm  our  vigylant  scouts  that  th'  inimy  were  not  at 
Bar  Harbor,  Pookypsie,  Keokuk,  Johannesboorg  or 
Council  Bluff^s.  But  where  were  they  ?  That  was  th' 
question.  An  idee  stinick  me.  War  is  as  much  a 
matther  iv  ingenooty  an'  thought  as  iv  fire  an'  slaugh- 
ter. I  sint  out  f'r  an  avenin'  paper  an'  as  I  suspict- 
ed,  it  announced  that  th'  craven  foe  was  about  two 
'6  [  233  ] 


Observations  by  Mr.  Dooley 

blocks  away.  At  that  very  moment,  th'  sthrams  iv 
th'  "  Bloo  Danoob  "  was  wafted  to  me  ears  an'  me 
suspicions  was  confirmed.  On  such  occasions  there  is 
no  sleep  f'r  th'  modhren  sojer.  Napolyon  wud've 
gone  to  bed  but  slumber  niver  crost  me  tired  eyelids. 
'Twas  six  o'clock  whin  we  cashed  in  an'  each  wint  to 
th'  mournful  jooties  iv  th'  day,  silently  but  with  a 
heart  full  iv  courage.  At  high  noon,  we  fell  upon 
th'  inimy  an'  poored  out  about  eighty-five  thousan' 
dollars  worth  iv  near-slaughter  on  him.  His  guns 
was  choked  with  cotillyon  favors  an'  he  did  not  reply 
at  wanst,  but  whin  he  did,  th'  scene  was  thruly  awful. 
Th'  sky  was  blackened  be  th'  smoke  iv  smokeless 
powdher  an'  th'  air  was  full  iv  cotton  waste  fr'm  th' 
fell  injines  iv  desthruction.  A  breeze  fr'm  shore  car- 
ried out  to  me  ears  th'  wails  iv  th'  wounded  tax  pay- 
ers. At  twelve  fifteen,  I  descried  th'  bloodthirsty 
Higginson — an'  a  good  fellow  Caleb  is  at  that — on 
th'  roof  iv  his  boat.  "  Hi-spy,"  says  he.  "  Hi-spy 
ye'er  gran'mother,"  says  I.  "  I've  had  me  eye  on 
ye  Fr  fifteen  minyits  an'  ye're  a  dead  man  as  I  can 
prove  be  witnesses,"  I  says.  An'  he  fell  off  th'  roof. 
I  was  sorry  to  take  his  life  but  war  knows  no  mercy. 
He  was  a  brave  man  but  foolhardy.  He  ought  niver 
to've  gone  again'  me.  He  might' ve  licked  Cervera 
but  he  cudden't  lick  me.  We  captured  all  th'  men-iv- 
war,  desthroyed  most  iv  th'  ciTiisers  an'  ar-re  now 
usin'  th'  flag-ship  f'r  a  run-about.  Th'  counthry  is 
safe,  thanks  to  a  vigylant  an'  sleepless  army.  I  will 
go  up  to  New  York  tomorrah  to  be  measured  f'r  th' 
prisintation  soord." 

[234] 


The  War  Game 

"  There  it  is,  Hinnissy .  Who  won  ?  I  don't  know. 
I  can't  tell  at  this  minyit  whether  I  ought  to  be  un- 
dher  th'  bed  larnin'  German  f'r  th'  time  whin  a 
Prooshyan  sojer'll  poke  me  out  with  his  saber,  or 
down  at  Finucane's  hall  callin'  a  meetin'  to  thank  th' 
definders  iv  th'  fireside.  Nobody  knows.  It's  a 
quare  game,  f'r  they  tell  me  afther  th'  battles  has 
been  fought  an'  th'  kilt  has  gone  back  to  holeystonin' 
th'  deck  an'  th'  smoke  fr'm  th'  chafin'  dish  has  cleared 
away,  th'  decision  is  up  to  a  good  figurer  at  Wash'n- 
ton.  It  depinds  on  him  whether  we  ar-re  a  free  peo- 
ple or  whether  we  wear  th'  yoke  iv  sarvichood  an' 
bad  German  hats  f'r  all  time.  He's  th'  officyal  scoorer 
an'  what  Higginson  thinks  was  a  base  hit,  he  calls  a 
foul  an'  what  McArthur  calls  an  accipted  chanst  is 
an  error.  Afther  th'  gallant  lads  in  blue  an'  gold 
has  got  through,  a  wathry-eyed  clerk  named  Perkins 
H.  Something-or-other,  sets  down  an'  figures  out  th' 
victhry.  Th'  man  behind  th'  fountain  pen  is  th'  boy. 
It's  up  to  him  whether  th'  stars  an'  sthripes  still  floats 
over  an  onconquered  people  or  whether  five  pfennigs 
is  th'  price  iv  a  dhrink  in  New  York.  He  sets  on  his 
high  stool  an'  says  he :  '  Five  times  eight  is  twinty- 
nine,  subthract  three  f'r  th'  duchess,  a  quarther  to 
one  o'clock  an'  eighty  miles  fr'm  Narragansett  pier  is 
two-an'-a-half,  plus  th'  load-wather-line  iv  th'  saloon 
companionway,  akel  to  two-fifths  iv  th'  difFerentyal 
tangent.  Huroo!  Misther  Sicrety,  ye  can  go  home 
an'  tell  ye'er  wife  th'  counthry's  safe.'  He  has  to  be 
a  smart  man.  A  good  book-keeper,  as  th'  pote  says, 
is  th'  counthry's  on'y  safety.  He  mus'  be  careful, 
[235] 


Observations  by  Mr,  Dooley 

too,  d'ye  mind.  Th'  honor  iv  th'  army  an'  the  navy 
is  at  stake.  Wan  or  th'  other  iv  thim  has  been  care- 
less." 

"  D'ye  think  a  foreign  fleet  cud  capture  this  coun- 
thry.?"  asked  Mr.  Hennessy. 

"  Not  onless  it  was  op'rated  be  a  throlley,"  said 
Mr.  Dooley.  "  Supposin'  ye  an'  I  had  throuble,  Hin- 
nissy,  an'  both  iv  us  was  armed  with  bricks  an'  ye 
was  on  roller  skates  an'  I  was  on  th'  top  iv  a  house, 
how  much  chanst  wud  ye  have  again'  me.?  Ships  is 
good  to  fight  other  ships.  That's  all.  I'd  sooner  be 
behind  a  bank  iv  mud  thin  in  th'  finest  ship  in  th' 
wurruld.  A  furrin  inimy  thryin'  to  get  up  to  New 
York  wud  be  like  a  blind  burglar  attimptin'  to  walk 
on  th'  top  iv  a  hot-house  with  all  th'  neighbors  an' 
th'  neighbors'  dogs  waitin'  f'r  him.  Th'  war  game 
is  all  right.  It  don't  do  anny  harm.  But  it's  like 
punchin'  th'  bag  an'  I'd  jus'  as  soon  thrain  a  man 
f'r  a  fight  be  larnin'  him  to  play  th'  mandolin,  as  be 
insthructin'  him  in  bag  punchin'.  It's  a  fine  game. 
I  don't  know  who  won,  but  I  know  who  lost." 
Who's  that?  "  asked  Mr.  Hennessy. 
'  Th'  threeasury,"  said  Mr.  Dooley. 


[236] 


Newspaper  Publicity 


NEWSPAPER    PUBLICITY 

''  'W  "^  T  AS  ye  iver  in  th'  pa-apers  ?  "  asked  Mr. 

\/\/    Dooley. 
^    ^  "  Wanst,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy.     "  But 

it  wasn't  me.     It  was  another  Hinnissy.     Was  you  .f^" 

"  Manny  times,"  said  Mr.  Dooley.  "  Whin  I  was 
prom'nent  socyally,  ye  cud  hardly  pick  up  a  pa-aper 
without  seein'  me  name  in  it  an'  th'  amount  iv  th' 
fine.  Ye  must  lade  a  very  simple  life.  Th'  news- 
paper is  watchin'  most  iv  us  fr'm  th'  cradle  to  th' 
grave,  an'  befure  an'  afther.  Whin  I  was  a  la-ad 
thrippin'  continted  over  th'  bogs  iv  Roscommon,  ne'er 
an  iditor  knew  iv  me  .existence,  nor  I  iv  his.  Whin 
annything  was  wrote  about  a  man  'twas  put  this  way : 
'  We  undhershtand  on  good  authority  that  M — 1 — chi 

H y,  Esquire,  is  on  thrile  before  Judge  G n 

on  an  accusation  iv  1 — c — ny.  But  we  don't  think 
it's  true.'  Nowadays  th'  larceny  is  discovered  be  a 
newspa-aper.  Th'  lead  pipe  is  dug  up  in  ye'er  back 
yard  be  a  rayporther  who  knew  it  was  there  because 
he  helped  ye  bury  it.  A  man  knocks  at  ye'er  dure 
arly  wan  mornin'  an'  ye  answer  in  ye'er  nighty.  '  In 
th'  name  iv  th'  law,  I  arrist  ye,'  says  th'  man  seizin' 
ye  be  th'  throat.  '  Who  ar-re  ye.^^  '  ye  cry.  '  I'm  a 
rayporther  f'r  th'  Daily  Slooth,'  says  he.  '  Photty- 
grafter,  do  ye'er  jooty!'  Ye're  hauled  off  in  th' 
circylation  wagon  to  th'  newspaper  office,  where  a 
[239] 


Observations  by  Mr,  Dooley 

con-fission  is  ready  f'r  ye  to  sign;  ye're  thried  be  a 
jury  iv  th'  staff,  sintinced  be  th'  iditor-in-chief  an' 
at  tin  o'clock  Friday  th'  fatal  thrap  is  sprung  be  th' 
fatal  thrapper  iv  th'  fam'ly  journal. 

"  Th'  newspaper  does  ivrything  f'r  us.  It  runs 
th'  polis  foorce  an'  th'  banks,  commands  th'  milishy, 
conthrols  th'  ligislachure,  baptizes  th'  young,  marries 
th'  foolish,  comforts  th'  afflicted,  afflicts  th'  comfort- 
able, buries  th'  dead  an'  roasts  thim  aftherward. 
They  ain't  annything  it  don't  turn  its  hand  to  fr'm 
explainin'  th'  docthrine  iv  thransubstantiation  to  com- 
posin'  saleratus  biskit.  Ye  can  get  anny  kind  iv 
information  ye  want  to  in  ye'er  fav'rite  newspaper 
about  ye'ersilf  or  annywan  else.  What  th'  Czar 
whispered  to  th'  Imp'ror  Willum  whin  they  were 
alone,  how  to  make  a  silk  hat  out  iv  a  wire  matthress, 
how  to  settle  th'  coal  sthrike,  who  to  marry,  how  to 
get  on  with  ye'er  wife  whin  ye're  married,  what  to 
feed  th'  babies,  what  doctor  to  call  whin  ye've  fed 
thim  as  directed, — all  iv  that  ye'll  find  in  th'  pa-apers. 

"  They  used  to  say  a  man's  life  was  a  closed  book. 
So  it  is  but  it's  an  open  newspaper.  Th'  eye  iv  th' 
press  is  on  ye  befure  ye  begin  to  take  notice.  Th' 
iditor  obsarves  th'  stork  hoverin'  over  th'  roof  iv 
2978JB  Ar-rchey  Road  an'  th'  article  he  writes  about 
it  has  a  wink  in  it.  '  Son  an'  heir  arrives  f'r  th' 
Hon'rable  Malachi  Hinnissy,'  says  th'  pa-aper  befure 
ye've  finished  th'  dhrink  with  th'  doctor.  An'  afther 
that  th'  histhry  iv  th'  offspring's  life  is  found  in  th' 
press : 

"  '  It  is  undhershtud  that  there  is  much  excitement 
[  MO  ] 


Newspaper  Publicity 

in  th'  Hinnissy  fam'ly  over  namin'  th'  lates'  sign. 
Misther  Hinnissy  wishes  it  called  Pathrick  McGlue 
afther  an  uncle  iv  his,  an'  Mrs.  Hinnissy  is  in  favor 
iv  namin'  it  Alfonsonita  afther  a  Pullman  car  she  seen 
wan  day.  Th'  Avenin  Fluff  offers  a  prize  iv  thirty 
dollars  f'r  th'  bes'  name  fr  this  projeny.  Maiden 
ladies  will  limit  their  letters  to  three  hundherd 
wurruds.' 

"  '  Above  is  a  snap  shot  iv  young  Alfonsonita  Mc- 
Glue Hinnissy,  taken  on  his  sicond  birthday  with  his 
nurse,  Miss  Angybel  Blim,  th'  well-known  specyal 
nurse  iv  th'  Avenin'  Fluff.  At  th'  time  th'  photty- 
graft  was  taken,  th'  infant  was  about  to  bite  Miss 
Blim  which  accounts  f'r  th'  agynized  exprission  on 
that  gifted  writer's  face.  Th'  Avenin  Fluff  offers  a 
prize  iv  four  dollars  to  th'  best  answer  to  th'  question : 
"  What  does  th'  baby  think  iv  Miss  Blim.?  "  ' 

"  '  Young  Alf  Hinnissy  was  siven  years  oP  yister- 
dah.  A  rayporther  iv  th'  Fluff  sought  him  out  an' 
indeavored  to  intherview  him  on  th'  Nicaragooan 
Canal,  th'  Roomanyan  Jews,  th'  tahriff  an'  th' 
thrusts.  Th'  comin'  statesman  rayfused  to  be  dhrawn 
on  these  questions,  his  answer  bein'  a  ready,  "  Go 
chase  ye'ersilf ,  ye  big  stiff !  "  Afther  a  daylightful 
convarsation  th'  rayporther  left,  bein'  followed  to  th' 
gate  be  his  janial  young  host  who  hit  him  smartly 
in  th'  back  with  a  brick.  He  is  a  chip  iv  th'  ol' 
block.' 

"  '  Groton,  Conn.,  April  8.  Ye'er  rayporther  was 
privileged  to  see  th'  oldest  son  iv  th'  Hon'rable  Mala- 
chi  Hinnissy  started  at  this  siminary  f'r  th' 
[2il] 


Observations  by  31r,  Dooley 

idjacatlon  iv  young  Englishmen  bor-rn  in  America. 
Th'  heir  iv  th'  Hinnissys  was  enthered  at  th'  ex- 
clusive school  thirty  years  befure  he  was  bor-m. 
Owin'  to  th'  uncertainty  iv  his  ancesthors  he  was  also 
enthered  at  Vassar.  Th'  young  fellow  took  a  lively 
intherest  in  th'  school.  Th'  above  photty graft  ripri- 
sints  him  mathriculatin'.  Th'  figures  at  th'  foot 
ar-re  Misther  an'  Mrs.  Hinnissy.  Those  at  th'  head 
ar-re  Profissor  Peabody  Plantagenet,  prisident  iv  th' 
instichoochion  an'  Officer  Michael  H.  RafFerty.  Young 
Hinnissy  will  remain  here  till  he  has  a  good  cukkin' 
idjacation.' 

"'Exthry  Red  Speshul  Midnight  Edition. 
Mumps!  Mumps!  Mumps!  Th'  heir  iv  th'  Hin- 
nissy's  stliricken  with  th'  turr'ble  scoorge.  Panic  on 
th'  stock  exchange.  Bereaved  father  starts  f'r  th' 
plague  spot  to  see  his  afflicted  son.  Phottygrafts 
iv  Young  Hinnissy  at  wan,  two,  three,  eight  an'  tin. 
Phottygrafts  iv  th'  house  where  his  father  was  born, 
his  mother,  his  aunt,  his  uncle,  Profissor  Plantagenet, 
Groton  School,  th'  gov'nor  iv  Connecticut,  Chansy 
Depoo,  statue  iv  Liberty,  Thomas  Jefferson,  Niagara 
Falls  be  moonlight.  Diagram  iv  jaw  an'  head  show- 
in'  th'  prob'ble  coorse  iv  the  Mumpococcus.  Inther- 
views  with  J.  Pierpont  Morgan,  Terry  McGovern, 
Mary  McLain,  Jawn  Mitchell,  Lyman  J.  Gage,  th' 
Prince  iv  Wales,  Sinitor  Bivridge,  th'  Earl  iv  Ros- 
lyn,  an'  Chief  Divry  on  Mumps.  We  offer  a  prize 
iv  thirty  million  dollars  in  advertisin'  space  f'r  a  cure 
Tr  th'  mumps  that  will  save  th'  nation's  pride. — 
Later,  it's  croup.' 


Newspaper  Publicity 

"  An'  so  it  goes.  We  march  through  hfe  an'  ^be- 
hind us  marches  th'  photty grafter  an'  th'  rayporther. 
There  are  no  such  things  as  private  citizens.  No 
matther  how  private  a  man  may  be,  no  matther  how 
secretly  he  steals,  some  day  his  pitcher  will  be  in  th' 
pa-aper  along  with  Mark  Hanna,  Stamboul  2:01^, 
Fitzsimmons'  fightin'  face,  an'  Douglas,  Douglas, 
Tin  dollar  shoe.  He  can't  get  away  fr'm  it.  An' 
I'll  say  this  f 'r  him,  he  don't  want  to.  He  wants  to 
see  what  bad  th'  neighbors  are  doin'  an'  he  wants  thim 
to  see  what  good  he's  doin'.  He  gets  fifty  per  cint 
iv  his  wish ;  niver  more.  A  man  keeps  his  front  win- 
dow shade  up  so  th'  pa-apers  can  come  along  an' 
make  a  pitcher  iv  him  settin'  in  his  iligant  furnished 
parlor  readin'  th'  life  iv  Dwight  L.  Moody  to  his 
fam'ly.  An'  th'  lad  with  th'  phottygraft  happens 
along  at  th'  moment  whin  he  is  batin'  his  wife.  If 
we  wasn't  so  anxious  to  see  our  names  among  those 
prisint  at  th'  ball,  we  wudden't  get  into  th'  pa-apers 
so  often  as  among  those  that  ought  to  be  prisint  in 
th'  dock.  A  man  takes  his  phottygraft  to  th'  iditor 
an'  says  he :  *  Me  attintion  has  been  called  to  th' 
fact  that  ye'd  like  to  print  this  mug  iv  a  prom'nent 
philanthropist ; '  an'  th'  iditor  don't  use  it  till  he's 
robbed  a  bank.  Ivrybody  is  inthrested  in  what  ivry- 
body  else  is  doin'  that's  wrong.  That's  what  makes 
th'  newspapers.  An'  as  this  is  a  dimmycratic  coun- 
thry  where  ivrybody  was  bor-rn  akel  to  ivrybody  else, 
aven  if  they  soon  outgrow  it,  an'  where  wan  man's 
as  good  as  another  an'  as  bad,  all  iv  us  has  a  good 
chanst  to  have  his  name  get  in  at  laste  wanst  a  year. 
[243] 


Observations  by  Mr.  Dooley 

Some  goes  in  at  Mrs.  Rasther's  dinner  an'  some  as 
victims  iv  a  throlley  car,  but  ivrybody  lands  at  last. 
They'll  get  ye  afther  awhile,  Hinnissy.  They'll 
print  ye'er  pitcher.  But  on'y  wanst.  A  newspaper 
is  to  intertain,  not  to  teach  a  moral  lesson." 

"  D'ye  think  people  likes  th'  newspapers  iv  th'  pris- 
int  time.?  "  asked  Mr.  Hennessy. 

"D'ye  think  they're  printed  f'r  fun.?"  said  Mr. 
Dooley. 


[244] 


Adventure 


ADVENTURE 


"  "W  IfT  T  HAT  a  life  iv  advinture  I  have  led,  to  be 
%/%/  sure.  I've  niver  been  still  a  minyit  since 
^  ^  I  cud  see  an'  hear — always  on  th'  go, 
performin'  heeroyc  actions  on  land  an'  sea.  Between 
th'  ages  iv  eight  an'  fifteen  I  bet  ye  I  caught  more 
runaway  teams  thin  all  th'  park  polismen  in  th' 
wurruld.  I  begun  with  stoppin'  th'  horses  iv  a  man 
called  Monahan  that  owned  a  canal  boat  an'  askin'  as 
a  reward  that  he  give  me  a  job  dhrivin'  th'  mule. 
But  I  rose  rapidly  in  th'  wurruld,  an'  befure  I  was 
fifteen  I  was  dashin'  out  nearly  ivry  hour  an'  nailin' 
a  team  iv  maddened  animals  in  th'  bullyvard  an'  savin' 
th'  life  iv  th'  pet  daughther  iv  a  millyonaire.  She 
usuUy  accepted  me  young  hand  in  marredge  in  th' 
dhrug  store.  But  sometimes  whin  I  needed  a  top  or 
a  kite  I  took  money.  I'm  ashamed  to  con-fiss  it,  but 
I  did.  Iv  coorse  I  rayfused  th'  first  offer  iv  th'  plu- 
thycrat.  Whin  he  thried  to  crowd  wan  millyon  dol- 
lars on  me,  I  give  him  a  look  iv  scorn  an'  moved 
away.  He  was  tur-rbly  ashamed  iv  his  onmanly  ac- 
tion an'  followed  me  up  an'  be  sharp  schamin'  man- 
aged to  get  two  millyons  to  me  in  a  way  that  I 
cuddn't  resint.  I  think  it  come  in  th'  shape  iv  an 
advance  payment  on  th'  dowry. 

"  At  fifteen  I  quit  stoppin'  runaway  horses  as  on'y 
suited  to  childher.     After  that  I  wint  in  almost  en- 
tirely f  r  knockin'  down  arnychists  as  they  was  about 
[247] 


Observations  by  Mr»  Dooley 

to  shoot.  I  saved  th'  life  iv  th'  Impror  iv  Rooshya, 
an'  he  was  anxious  f'r  to  have  me  stay  at  th'  coort, 
but  people  begun  to  talk  about  me  an'  wan  iv  th' 
rile  princesses  an'  I  left.  On  my  way  home  I  seized 
an  arnychist  jus'  as  he  had  raised  his  pistol  again  th' 
Prince  iv  Wales,  an'  as  a  reward  he  freed  Ireland  on 
th'  spot.  I  rayceived  an  ovation  f'r  this  in  Dublin  in 
1860  or  thereabouts,  but  I  disclaimed  anny  glory, 
was  always  willin'  to  do  annything  f'r  me  counthry, 
wisht  them  th'  best  iv  luck:  gintlemen,  I  can  on'y 
say,  I  thank  ye,  I  thank  ye,  I  thank  ye. 

"  Me  raycint  advintures  has  been  more  in  th' 
spoortin'  line.  I  had  to  give  up  futball  afther  win- 
nin'  victhry  f'r  me  almy  matther  f'r  four  successive 
years  be  a  suparb  run  aroun'  th'  end.  F'r  a  long  time 
I  sailed  th'  cup  dayfinder  ivry  year,  an'  always  won 
be  a  sthrategy  that  no  wan  but  mesilf  undherstands. 
I've  killed  iliphants  an'  tigers  be  th'  hundherd,  res- 
cooed  people  fr'm  dhrownin'  be  th'  thousan',  climbed 
up  th'  outside  iv  a  bumin'  buildin'  an'  come  down 
with  two  or  three  fine-lookin'  ladies  in  me  arms, 
captured  forts,  charged  armies,  knocked  out  th' 
wurruld's  greatest  pugilists  with  a  punch,  led  revo- 
lutions, suppressed  thim,  an'  done  it  all  modestly  an' 
quietly. 

"  Iv  coorse  I  won't  say  'twas  always  th'  spirit  iv  ad- 
vinture  led  me  into  these  gallant  acts.  If  I  must  tell 
ye  th'  thruth  I've  gin'rally  took  less  intherest  in  th' 
advinture  itself  thin  in  th'  reward.  I'm  always  a  lit- 
tle hazy  about  th'  details  iv  how  I  saved  th'  girl  fr'm 
th'  rapids  iv  Niagra  whin  I  can't  swim,  or  how  I  hap- 
[248] 


Adventure 

pened  to  hit  th'  tiger  in  th'  eye  whin  I'm  so  afraid  iv 
firearms,  or  how  I  stopped  th'  runaway  team  whin  I 
know  that  th'  other  day  whin  th'  milkman's  horse 
broke  loose  th'  best  I  cud  do  was  run  to  th'  edge  iv  th' 
sidewalk  an'  wring  me  hands  an'  yell :  "  Whoa !  "  But 
th'  grateful  millyonaire  is  always  distinct.  I  can  al- 
ways hear  th'  cheers  iv  th'  crowd  as  I  come  dhrippin' 
fr'm  th'  wather.  Though  th'  raison  I  happened  to 
be  ladin'  me  rig'mint  up  th'  hill  iv  San  Joon  is  not 
clear  to  me  now,  I  can  plainly  see  mesilf  returnin'  fr'm 
th'  war,  bronzed  and  weather-beaten,  settin'  erect  on 
me  horse  an'  respondin'  to  th'  frantic  cheers  iv  th' 
multichood  with  a  slight  bow.  I  always  used  to  lose 
an  arm  or  part  iv  an  arm,  but  I've  larned  that  isn't 
nicess'ry. 

"An'  where  have  all  these  advlntures  occurred,  d'ye 
say.''  Well,  some  iv  th'  most  feerocyous  iv  thim  hap- 
pened in  me  bedroom,  an'  some  on  th'  front  stoop  iv 
th'  house  on  warm  moonlight  nights,  but  most  iv  thim 
here  in  this  room  in  front  iv  th'  fire.  Be  rights  th' 
walls  ought  to  be  dic'rated  with  moose  antlers,  tigers' 
heads,  diplomas,  soords,  votes  iv  Congress,  medals  an' 
autygrafted  pitchers  iv  th'  crowned  heads  iv  Europe. 
Th'  best  advintures  anny  iv  us  has  is  at  home  in  a 
comf'rtable  room — th'  mos'  excitin'  an'  th'  asiest.  Ye 
can  make  ye'ersilf  as  brave  as  ye  want  an'  as  cool,  ye 
avide  mussin'  ye'er  clothes,  ye  flavor  with  danger  to 
suit  th'  taste,  an'  ye  get  a  good  dale  more  applause 
an'  get  it  quicker  thin  th'  other  kind  iv  hayro.  F'r 
manny  years  I've  shot  all  me  tigers  fr'm  this  rockin' 
chair." 

'7  [  249  ] 


Rights  and  Privileges  of 
Women 


RIGHTS    AND    PRIVILEGES    OF    WOMEN 


"X^jr  TOMAN'S  RIGHTS?  What  does  a 
\/ %/  woman  want  iv  rights  whin  she  has  priv'- 
•  ^  leges?  Rights  is  th'  last  thing  we  get  in 
this  wurruld.  They're  th'  nex'  things  to  wrongs. 
They're  wrongs  tur-ned  inside  out.  We  have  th' 
right  to  be  sued  f'r  debt  instead  iv  lettin'  the  bill  run, 
which  is  a  priv'lege.  We  have  th'  right  to  thrile  be 
a  jury  iv  our  peers,  a  right  to  pay  taxes  an'  a  right 
to  wurruk.  None  iv  these  things  is  anny  good  to  me. 
They'se  no  fun  in  thim.  All  th'  r-rights  I  injye  I 
don't  injye.  I  injye  th'  right  to  get  money,  but  I 
niver  have  had  anny  money  to  spind.  Th'  consti- 
chooshion  guarantees  me  th'  right  to  life,  but  I  die; 
to  liberty,  but  if  I  thry  bein'  too  free  I'm  locked  up ; 
an'  to  th'  pur  soot  iv  happiness,  but  happiness  has  th' 
right  to  run  whin  pursood,  an'  I've  niver  been  able  to 
three  her  yet.  Here  I  am  at  iver-so-manny  years  iv 
age  blown  an'  exhausted  be  th'  chase,  an'  happiness 
is  still  able  to  do  her  hundhred  yards  in  tin  minyits 
flat  whin  I  approach.  I'd  give  all  th'  rights  I  read 
about  for  wan  priv-lege.  If  I  cud  go  to  sleep  th'  min- 
yit  I  go  to  bed  I  wudden't  care  who  done  me  votin'. 

"  No,  sir,  a  woman  don't  need  rights.     Th'  pope, 

imprors,  kings  an'  women  have  priv-leges;  ordhin'ry 

men  has   rights.     Ye   niver  hear   iv   th'   Impror  of 

Rooshya  demandin'  rights.     He  don't  need  thim  in 

[253] 


Observations  by  Mi\  Dooley 

his  wurrukr.  He  gives  thim,  such  as  they  ar're,  to  th* 
moojiks,  or  whativer  it  is  ye  call  thim.  D'ye  think 
anny  waiL  wud  make  a  gr-reat  success  be  goin'  to  th' 
Czar  an'  sayin':  "  Czar  (or  sire,  as  th'  case  may  be), 
ye  must  be  unhappy  without  th'  sufFerage.  Ye  must 
be  achin'  all  over  to  go  down  to  th'  livry  stable  an'  cast 
ye'er  impeeral  ballot  f'r  Oscaroviski  K.  Hickinski  f'r 
school  thrustee?"  I  think  th'  Czar  wud  reply: 
'  Gintlemen,  ye  do  me  too  much  honor.  I  mus'  ray- 
fuse.  Th'  manly  art  iv  sufferage  is  wan  iv  th'  most 
potint  weepins  iv  th'  freeman,  but  I'm  not  used  to  it, 
an'  I  wudden't  know  what  to  do  with  it.  It  might  be 
loaded.  I  think  I'll  have  to  crawl  along  with  me 
modest  preerogatives  iv  collectin'  th'  taxes,  dalin'  life 
an'  death  to  me  subjicks,  atin'  free,  dhrinkin'  th'  best 
an'  livin'  aisy.  But  ye  shall  have  ye'er  rights.  Pos- 
ieotofski,  lade  th'  gintlemen  out  into  th'  coortyard  an' 
give  thim  their  rights  as  Rooshyan  citizens.  I  think 
about  twinty  f'r  each  iv  th'  comity  an'  about  a  dozen 
exthry  f'r  the  chairman.  F'r  wan  iv  th'  rights  guar- 
anteed to  his  subjicks,  be  me  sainted  father,  was  a 
good  latherin'  ivry  time  it  was  comin'  to  tliim.' 

"  An'  so  it  is  with  women.  They  haven't  th'  right 
to  vote,  but  they  have  th'  priv'lege  iv  conthrollin'  th' 
man  ye  ilict.  They  haven't  th'  right  to  make  laws, 
but  they  have  th'  priv'lege  iv  breakin'  thim,  which  is 
betther.  They  haven't  th'  right  iv  a  fair  thi^ile  be  a 
jury  iv  their  peers;  but  they  have  th'  priv'lege  iv  an 
unfair  thrile  be  a  jury  iv  their  admirin'  infeeryors. 
If  I  cud  fly  d'ye  think  I'd  want  to  walk.?  " 

[254] 


Avarice  and  Generosity 


AVARICE    AND    GENEROSITY 


*  *  "W"  NIVER  blame  a  man  f 'r  bein'  avaricy ous  in  his 
I    oP  age.    Whin  a  fellow  gits  so  he  has  nawthin' 

-*-  else  to  inj  je,  whin  ivrybody  calls  him  '  sir  '  or 
'  mister,'  an'  young  people  dodge  him  an'  he  sleeps 
afther  dinner,  an'  folks  say  he's  an  ol'  fool  if  he  wears 
a  buttonhole  bokay  an'  his  teeth  is  only  tinants  at  will 
an'  not  permanent  fixtures,  'tis  no  more  thin  nach'ral 
that  he  shud  begin  to  look  around  him  f'r  a  way  iv 
keepin'  a  grip  on  human  s'ciety.  It  don't  take  him 
long  to  see  that  th'  on'y  thing  that's  vin'rable  in  age 
is  money  an'  he  pro-ceeds  to  acquire  anything  that 
happens  to  be  in  sight,  takin'  it  where  he  can  find  it, 
not  where  he  wants  it,  which  is  th'  way  to  accumylate 
a  fortune.  Money  won't  prolong  life,  but  a  few 
millyons  judicyously  placed  in  good  banks  an'  occa- 
s'nally  worn  on  th'  person  will  rayjooce  age.  Poor 
ol'  men  are  always  older  thin  poor  rich  men.  In  th' 
almshouse  a  man  is  decrepit  an'  mournful-lookin'  at 
sixty,  but  a  millyonaire  at  sixty  is  jus'  in  th'  prime 
iv  life  to  a  frindly  eye,  an'  there  are  no  others. 

"  It's  aisier  to  th'  ol'  to  grow  rich  thin  it  is  to  th' 
young.  At  makin'  money  a  man  iv  sixty  is  miles 
ahead  iv  a  la-ad  iv  twinty-five.  Pollytics  and  bank- 
in'  is  th'  on'y  two  games  where  age  has  th'  best  iv  it. 
Youth  has  betther  things  to  attind  to,  an'  more  iv 
thim.  I  don't  blame  a  man  f'r  bein'  stingy  anny 
[257] 


Obseixmtions  by  Mr,  Dooley 

more  thin  I  blame  him  f 'r  havin'  a  bad  leg.  Ye  know 
th'  doctors  say  that  if  ye  don't  use  wan  iv  ye'er  limbs 
f'r  a  year  or  so  ye  can  niver  use  it  again.  So  it  is 
with  gin'rosity.  A  man  starts  arly  in  life  not  bein' 
gin'rous.  He  says  to  himsilf :  "  I  wurruked  f'r  this 
thing  an'  if  I  give  it  away  I  lose  it."  He  ties  up  his 
gin'rosity  in  bandages  so  that  th'  blood  can't  circylate 
in  it.  It  gets  to  be  a  superstition  with  him  that  he'll 
have  bad  luck  if  he  iver  does  annything  f'r  annybody. 
An'  so  he  rakes  in  an'  puts  his  private  mark  with  his 
teeth  on  all  th'  movable  money  in  th'  wurruld.  But 
th'  day  comes  whin  he  sees  people  around  him  gettin' 
a  good  dale  iv  injyemint  out  iv  gin'rosity  an'  somewan 
says :  '  Why  don't  ye,  too,  be  gin-rous  ?  Come,  ol' 
green  goods,  unbelt,  loosen  up,  be  gin-rous.'  '  Gin- 
'rous .f*'  says  he,  'what's  that?'  'It's  th'  best 
spoort  in  th'  wuri'uld.  It's  givin'  things  to  people.' 
'  But  I  can't,'  he  says.  '  I  haven't  ann^^thing  to  do 
it  with,'  he  says.  '  I  don't  know  th'  game.  I 
haven't  anny  gin'rosity,'  he  says.  '  But  ye  have,' 
says  they.  '  Ye  have  as  much  gin'rosity  as  ann^^wan 
if  ye'll  only  use  it,'  saj^s  the}^  '  Take  it  out  iv  th' 
plasther  cast  ye  put  it  in  an'  'twill  look  as  good  as 
new,'  says  they.  An'  he  does  it.  He  thries  to  use 
his  gin'rosity,  but  all  th'  life  is  out  iv  it.  It  gives 
way  undher  him  an'  he  falls  down.  He  can't  raise  it 
fr'ra  th'  groun'.  It's  ossyfied  an'  useless.  I've  seen 
manny  a  fellow  that  suffered  fr'm  ossyfied  gin'rosity. 
"  Whin  a  man  begins  makin'  money  in  his  youth  at 
annything  but  games  iv  chance,  he  niver  can  become 
gin'rous  late  in  life.  He  may  make  a  bluff  at  it. 
[  258  ] 


Avarice  and  Generosity 

Some  men  are  gin'rous  with  a  crutch.  Some  men  get 
the  use  of  their  gin'rosity  back  suddenly  whin  they 
ar-re  in  danger.  Whin  Clancy  the  miser  was  caught 
in  a  fire  in  th'  Halsted  Sthreet  Palace  hotel  he  howled 
f r'm  a  window :  '  I'll  give  twinty  dollars  to  anny- 
wan  that'll  take  me  down.'  Cap'n  Minehan  put  up 
a  laddher  an'  climbed  to  him  an'  carrid  him  to  the 
sthreet.  Half-way  down  th'  laddher  th'  brave  rays- 
cooer  was  seen  to  be  chokin'  his  helpless  burdhen. 
We  discovered  aftherwards  that  Clancy  had  thried  to 
begin  negotyations  to  rayjooce  th'  reward  to  five  dol- 
lars. His  gin'rosity  had  become  suddenly  par'lyzed 
again. 

"  So  if  ye'd  stay  gin'rous  to  th'  end  niver  lave  ye'er 
gin'rosity  idle  too  long.  Don't  run  it  ivry  hour  at 
th'  top  iv  its  speed,  but  fr'm  day  to  day  give  it  a  little 
gintle  exercise  to  keep  it  supple  an'  hearty  an'  in  due 
time  ye  may  injye  it." 


[259] 


The  End  of  Things 


THE  END  OF  THINGS 


**  ^  ■  ^HE  raison  no  wan  is  afraid  iv  Death,  Hin- 
I  nessy,  is  that  no  wan  ra-ally  undherstands 
JL  it.  If  anny  wan  iver  come  to  undherstand 
it  he'd  be  scared  to  death.  If  they  is  anny  such  thing 
as  a  cow'rd,  which  I  doubt,  he's  a  man  that  comes 
nearer  reahzin'  thin  other  men,  how  seeryous  a  mat- 
ther  it  is  to  die.  I  talk  about  it,  an'  sometimes  I  think 
about  it.  But  how  do  I  think  about  it.?  It's  me  lyin' 
there  in  a  fine  shoot  iv  clothes  an'  listenin'  to  all  th' 
nice  things  people  are  sayin'  about  me.  I'm  dead, 
mind  ye,  but  I  can  hear  a  whisper  in  the  furthest  cor- 
ner iv  th'  room.  Ivry  wan  is  askin'  ivry  wan  else  why 
did  I  die.  '  It's  a  gr-reat  loss  to  th'  counthry,'  says 
Hogan.  '  It  is,'  says  Donahue.  '  He  was  a  fine 
man,'  says  Clancy.  '  As  honest  a  man  is  iver  dhrew 
th'  breath  iv  life,'  says  Schwartzmeister.  '  I  hope 
he  forgives  us  all  th'  harm  we  attimpted  to  do  him,' 
says  Donahue.  '  I'd  give  anny  thing  to  have  him 
back,'  says  Clancy.  '  He  was  this  and  that,  th'  life 
iv  th'  party,  th'  sowl  iv  honor,  th'  frind  iv  th'  dis- 
thressed,  th'  boolwark  iv  th'  constichoochion,  a  pa- 
thrite,  a  gintleman,  a  Christyan  an'  a  scholard.' 
'  An'  such  a  roguish  way  with  him,'  says  th'  Widow 
O'Brien. 

"  That's  what  I  think,  but  if  I  judged  fr'm  ex- 
peeryence  I'd  know  it'd  be,  '  It's  a  nice  day  f  r  a 
dhrive  to  th'  cimitry.     Did  he  lave  much.'^ '     No  man 
is  a  hayro  to  his  undertaker." 
[263] 


Hypocrisy 


18 


HYPOCRISY 


**"W"  T  must  be  a  good  thing  to  be  good  or  ivrybody 
I  wudden't  be  pretendin'  he  was.  But  I  don't 
J^  think  they'se  anny  such  thing  as  hypocrisy  in 
th'  wurruld.  They  can't  be.  If  ye'd  turn  on  th'  gas 
in  th'  darkest  heart  ye'd  find  it  had  a  good  raison  for 
th'  worst  things  it  done,  a  good  varchous  raison,  Hke 
needin'  th'  money  or  punishin'  th'  wicked  or  tachin' 
people  a  lesson  to  be  more  careful,  or  protectin'  th' 
liberties  iv  mankind,  or  needin'  the  money." 


[267] 


History 


HISTORY 


* '  "W"  KNOW  histhry  isn't  thrue,  Hinnessy ,  because 
R  it  ain't  like  what  I  see  ivry  day  in  Halsted 
-*-Sthreet.  If  any  wan  comes  along  with  a  his- 
thry iv  Greece  or  Rome  that'll  show  me  th'  people 
fightin',  gettin'  dhrunk,  makin'  love,  gettin'  married, 
owin'  th'  grocery  man  an'  bein'  without  hard-coal,  I'll 
believe  they  was  a  Greece  or  Rome,  but  not  befure. 
Historyans  is  like  doctors.  They  are  always  lookin' 
f'r  symptoms.  Those  iv  them  that  writes  about  their 
own  times  examines  th'  tongue  an'  feels  th'  pulse  an' 
makes  a  wrong  dygnosis.  Th'  other  kind  iv  histhry 
is  a  post-mortem  examination.  It  tells  ye  what  a 
counthry  died  iv.  But  I'd  like  to  know  what  it 
lived  iv." 


[271] 


Enjoyment 


ENJOYMENT 


I 


DON'T  think  we  injye  other  people's  suf- 
ferin',  Hinnessy.  It  isn't  acshally  injyement. 
But  we  feel  betther  f'r  it." 


[275] 


Gratitude 


GRATITUDE 


WAN  raison  people  ar-re  not  grateful  is 
because  they're  proud  iv  thimsilves  an' 
they  niver  feel  they  get  half  what  they 
desarve.  Another  raison  is  they  know  ye've  had  all 
th'  fun  ye're  entitled  to  whin  ye  do  annything  f'r 
annybody.  A  man  who  expicts  gratichood  is  a 
usurer,  an'  if  he's  caught  at  it  he  loses  th'  loan  an' 
th'  intherest." 


[S79] 


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